The Coming Revolution In Writing For Television

How Agentic AI is going to change the business of writing for television in the next five years.

Introduction

2026 has been an interesting year for my spare time so far. I have been doing some writing on various projects, studying the impact of artificial intelligence on writing in general, and studying what its potential impacts on the writing of television might be.

The results are, to me, quite amazing. I’d like to share them with you, if you don’t mind. They are basically that there is a new wave of artificial intelligence coming along right as we speak, and it will change, well, everything, really, but it will make a huge, almost revolutionary impact on the business of writing, especially for writing for television.

If this sounds interesting to you, please continue reading. These are my thoughts regarding the coming revolution in writing for television.

Contents

Who Am I and What Am I Doing?

An Occasional Writing Hobby

An Amusing Introduction to AI

Writing Star Trek Fanfiction

Researching Writing for Television

A Striking Realization

The Virtual Writers’ Room

The Virtual Animation Studio

The Current State of AI Is Like The Early Days of Automobiles

What This Might Mean

How Do You Share This Information?

Conclusion

Who Am I and What Am I Doing?

I’m just an average guy who doesn’t write for a living. I have an average sort of job that pays the bills, and I write as a hobby, in my spare time. I have written all sorts of things over the years, but never tried to get them published. I am not in it to make money, it’s just a fun thing to do. Trying to publish it might turn it into work, and then it might not be so much fun any more. Or so I thought.

An Occasional Writing Hobby

Recently, since about the beginning of 2026, I have been playing around with the idea of writing fanfiction, something that I have never seriously considered before. Apparently, it can be a lot of work as well, but it sounds like fun.

The one thing I have learned about fanfiction is that there are basically no rules to the game. You can write anything you want, post it to The Internet, and share it with others if you like. How that turns out is a whole other ball of wax, one I am not writing about now, but I thought I might try it out. So I was thinking about what to write, and then this happened:

An Amusing Introduction to AI

I was idly piddling around on my Facebook page and ran across a meme from an artificial intelligence company, possibly ChatGPT, that said it could create a caricature of me based on information in my Facebook profile or just based on a few lines of text. This sounded like a harmless bit of fun, so I tried it out.

It created quite an interesting picture. Harmless fun. Then I began to think about it for a moment. Drawing a full-color picture of any person used to be quite a challenge. It took an artist, possibly a graphic artist trained on using digital tools, hours or even days to create a very complex image of a person. A simple sketch could take just minutes, but a colored image that looked really good was harder to make, used more materials, and took considerably more time.

Yet here comes artificial intelligence, and it can do the job in minutes, or seconds even. Even if the picture was personally unsatisfying, that mere act of creating it and so completely and so quickly is in actuality quite a shock when you compare it to the time, effort and skill needed for a human to do the job. Amazing.

While I thought this over, contemplating the potential meanings, I thought of something else to do to play with the technology while I was thinking. I had been, up to this time, trying to watch some of the new Star Trek television series, particularly Strange New Worlds. I was not satisfied with it much.

I am an old-school Star Trek fan, what I call a Grognard. The word grognard comes from the realm of historical war gaming, particularly the sort of gaming that history nerds like to do where they play or even create simulations of battles that actually happened in the past. They use paper maps, little chits of cardboard with very small text on them, and dice. It’s very complex, detail oriented, and a bit obtuse.

Those who love it can tend to be a bit obsessive and were nicknamed after the French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s Old Guard soldiers, who were famously allowed to complain about their lot in life. I think the type of Star Trek fan that prefers the older types of Star Trek and very vocally dislikes the newer stuff is much like a war gaming Grognard, and ought to be identified as such. I certainly don’t like the kinds of Star Trek made since 2009 or so, and I don’t mind saying so. So I’m a Star Trek Grognard. (Are you?)

So when I was playing with the AI tool that was making images of me as a caricature, I suddenly thought of having it draw me in a Star Trek uniform, like a cosplayer at a convention. It did so, very quickly. I was immensely amused.

I had it make several different versions of the image, in different Star Trek uniforms. Great fun. Then it struck me: Since I could not find good Star Trek to watch on television, I ought to write up my own Star Trek fanfiction, and satisfy my Trek itch that way. More great fun. Cool.

Writing Star Trek Fanfiction

As I thought about this new idea, to write Star Trek fanfiction, I continued to make more pictures of people in Star Trek uniforms. I made pictures of each of the members of my family and a picture of my daughter’s fiancee as well. It made me think of using them as the crew of a starship, with myself as Captain, of course. As I thought up ideas to write, the AI did something amusing. It gave the image of me a name.

I had been playing with the image making tool for a while now and I had never given the AI my actual name. So it invented a name for the image of me that it had made several pictures of: Fred Beard. I couldn’t help but laugh.

I have a long white beard, so it named me after my beard. Great fun. So I had the AI generate fictional names for my family members to portray as well, and it quickly did so. Then it offered to create character backgrounds for these persons, as well. Suddenly, I was getting an entire set of detailed backstories and more. This would be great fodder for writing up fanfiction, I thought.

I then thought up several ideas for stories to write. Before I knew it, I was creating full outlines for stories that would include a Pilot Episode for a Star Trek television series and enough stories for an entire season’s worth of episodes. Before I was done with the planning stages, I had the basic ideas for four separate series of stories, enough material to write for years. Very cool.

What made this possible was that I was using the AI to not only create images of people in Star Trek uniforms, but images of sets and props and spaceships as well. As I looked into all of this, I also found out how AI can help you organize your thoughts to get ready to write stories. Using AI to help you write really speeds up the entire process, and can help you to write more material faster than you could on your own.

Suddenly, my little writing project was becoming quite a big deal. Then I began to encounter another issue I had never thought about before. I wanted to write my fanfiction in the format of television scripts. I just thought this would be fun. It became a lot of work, because writing television scripts can be quite a challenge indeed.

Researching Writing for Television

At first I collected a few books about writing for television. Since I collect books on the side, I dug through my collection and found even more books about writing for television. Then I began to research the topic on The Internet. Then, since I was using AI anyways, I began to use the AI to further research writing for television. There was an amazing amount of information available, and it all led to a lot of work.

I began to set up an entire training project to learn how to write for television. This led to an entire lesson plan, with step-by-step lessons filled with how-to tips and more. I am currently using this information to write up my Star Trek fanfiction stories, which are quite a lot of work, and quite a lot of fun, too. It beats watching disappointing television shows by a long shot.

As I learned about how writers work when they write for television, I began to understand more about how they did their work, and how their work was organized into Writers’ Rooms. With a little research, I found out about the history of Writers’ Rooms in television production. While I was doing this, I began to learn more about how AI is being used to write for television. This led to a couple of amazing realizations.

The world of artificial intelligence use in business, including the entertainment business and writing for television, is evolving quickly. What has been understood as AI is changing rapidly into something completely different than what came before, and this is happening sometimes before many people who have not yet used the technology realize. The type of AI that is coming next, that is going to change the very way people work, that may upend jobs and careers and change industries forever, is called Agentic AI, and it allows AI to do tasks, not just answer questions.

The Virtual Writers’ Room

As I began to also study the AI I was exploring to write with, I began to understand that the next wave of AI was going to allow me to replicate the work of an entire Writers’ Room with Agentic AI. It will be possible soon, perhaps in the next three to five years, for anyone with a computer and the right software, to do the writing jobs of up to a dozen or more writers working together. This is because of what Agentic AI can do.

Agentic AI doesn’t just look up stuff on The Internet and answer your questions. Agentic AI will work by allowing you to ask it to do a specific task. You simply tell it what you want it to do, it researches how to do it, it opens the programs to do the tasks, moves the mouse cursor and clicks on the right buttons to do the tasks, saves the files, and sends them to where they need to go next. Agentic AI actually does the work, it doesn’t just share information, it goes through the steps of creating information for you.

You line up enough AI agents to do the different jobs that need to be done, give them AI managers who organize the finished work and present it to you, and then you analyze the results and organize them into finished products. If writers do this for writing television, this will revolutionize the creation of television.

Right now, the actual number of writers assigned to write for television programs in Writers’ Rooms is dictated by contracts between Studios and the Writers Unions. But before a show is greenlit for production, smaller groups of writers are set up to create television show concepts and pilots. These smaller groups are sometimes called Mini-Rooms, and have three to five writers in them, sometimes with limited support staffs. It is here that AI-driven changes would occur first.

With Agentic AI, one or two showrunners with a smaller support staff would be able to do the jobs of a complete Mini-Room or even a full-size Writers’ Room. In other industries, Agentic AI is being set up to run many hundreds or thousands of AI agents with dozens or hundreds of AI managers, reporting to fewer humans who manage the entire process. What a Mini-Room can do for 80-90% less than the cost of a full Writers’ Room, a Virtual Writers’ Room can do for 97-99% less.

More impressively, a Virtual Writers’ Room will automate the tedious and time-consuming researching, note-taking and file management processes that slow down Mini-Rooms and full Writers’ Rooms. Such Virtual Writers’ Rooms will get more work done faster then current rooms can do. The end result for Studios will be that there will be more production units producing more script ideas and Pilot Episodes, of better production quality, than ever before.

Writers and showrunners will be able to field more story ideas faster, and more frequently than ever before. Studios will be able to process more television concepts more quickly, and for much less expense. As television audiences fragment further and get smaller, as potential markets shrink and diversify more and more, there need to be more and more less expensive programs presented. Virtual Writers’ Rooms will make this happen.

The Virtual Animation Studio

Now, I had been coming up with ideas for my Star Trek television series using AI to speed up production and thinking about all this for a couple of months. As I worked on my stories, I decided to work on the look and feel of my stories as well. My Star Trek stories are set in a time period before The Original Series, even before Strange New Worlds. But I wanted to make them different yet again.

So I decided to give them the look of Star Trek: The Animated Series instead of the various live-action TV series. This led me next into studying the production of animated television series. This led to me to then thinking about how future animated series would be effected by Agentic AI as well. If the results of Agentic AI would be revolutionary for the Writers’ Room, it would be downright shocking for animation production companies.

Just running a comparison of what it takes to create conventional animated television fare to that of what could be done with Agentic AI is astounding. What it takes dozens or hundreds of artists of all sorts to create today could be, with Agentic AI, created with as few as a dozen or fewer artists in the next few years. The technology exists now to create 3D animated, or combined partially 2D and 3D animated television series as it is. You need only to look at such films as Flow and War Is Over to see what is possible.

In fact, using tools like Unreal Engine rendering in real time, you can replace entire animation rendering farms with just a couple of computers and time. In five years time, a half a dozen artists spending the equivalent of the price of a used car will be able to produce the same output as a full animation studio on a complex and expensive rendering farm for 98-99% less cost. Amazing.

The Current State of AI Is Like The Early Days of Automobiles

So what is happening now, and what is possible, that makes all of these assumptions true? As I studied, and continue to study, Agentic AI and how it will be used in the future I came to realize three things:

1. The technology to do all this exists not in the future, but in a primitive state RIGHT NOW. It is buggy, breaks often (and spectacularly), and it is not ready for actual production work yet, but it is out there in the real world, you can get your hands on it now, and it can do amazing things. Just not quite well yet.

2. The primitive state I mentioned is akin to the state of affairs that existed in the early days of the automobile industry. The engines that make things go exist right now, they are very powerful and can do great things, but the rest of the package is not complete. Some parts of it haven’t even been imagined yet. This is like the early days of automobiles, when brakes were an afterthought, steering was rudimentary at best, and all the controls that made cars work in today’s world simply did not exist. Driver’s licenses, proper roads, traffic signs and signals, rules and regulations hadn’t even been imagined yet. This is where we are with AI today, and the next, more incredibly powerful wave is not just coming up next, it is already here and running without guardrails or protections yet.

3. In less than three to five years, all of this technology is going to be in everything that we do, everywhere. For the television industry, Writers’ Rooms and Animation Production Companies are going to be so radically changed as to make them practically unrecognizable today. The only things that are in place to regulate them as of yet are such things as the contracts between the Studios and the Writers Guilds. This will inevitably change, and anyone not changing with the times will be left behind or left out.

What This Might Mean

Especially for writers, artists, musicians, and other creators in the entertainment industry, combine all of the above suggestions with the tumultuous changes already going through the industry that are costing jobs and changing career paths, altering incomes and opportunities to work, and changing what is being produced and how it is being made, and you have a shattering and remaking of the entire worldview of what it means to create and share entertainment at all.

All of this is going to happen in the next three to five years (this is written in April 2026). By 2030, the landscape will be forever changed, and all those who do not change with it will be left behind or left out.

It is said that the next generation of youths is abandoning technology en masse, refusing to work with AI, and refusing to accept the work made by AI. As the other generations age out, what will happen to the very act of enjoying entertainment? Will there even be people creating entertainment on a large scale any more if the next generations will not consume what is produced? Or will everyone be watching the smallest screens, feeding their time with TikTok and YouTube videos instead? Who knows?

What is certain is that it will soon be possible for massively fewer people with much less hardware and much more sophisticated software to create materials as good or better than the old Hollywood ever made, for pennies on the dollar. This is amazing, revolutionary, and shocking. I am overwhelmed by the thought of it.

How Do You Share This Information?

So, what do you do with all of this information? I don’t know. I’ve looked into writing several of these points up into articles and sending them to periodicals for review or publication, but I’m just beginning to do that and don’t really know what I am doing. How do you publish an article in today’s world? I just don’t know.

So I will write up the articles anyways and maybe post them to a blog somewhere. I have a blog, Mogreland https://mogrelandia.blogspot.com/, but I hardly ever write to it and nobody ever reads it. Maybe I’ll just post my articles there.

I have emailed several publications doing such things as asking for writer’s guidelines, but have not yet heard back from any of them yet. Maybe I never will. Who knows?

Maybe trying to get published can be another big project. But again, I’m not trying to do this to make money, or get attention for myself. I just think that the information is interesting, and I’ve never seen anything like it presented anywhere else yet.

If I do publish the articles they will follow The Current State of AI Is Like The Early Days of Automobiles section above, with separate articles for:

• The Virtual Writers’ Room

• The Virtual Animation Studio

• How the Current State of AI Is Like The Early Days of Automobiles

Who knows? Maybe someone would like to read them some day. It would be funny if they were only read after 2030, after it all came to pass anyways. I could always say, “I told you so”.

Conclusion

So, what does this all mean? If you are a creator, say a writer, or a visual artist, or a musician, or a filmmaker, the world is going to change incredibly in the next few years. It used to be that technological change meant a democratization of the availability and freedoms of the means to get things done. You could get computers and digital cameras and audio recorders and create your own video production company that fit into a briefcase, allowing you to create anything anywhere, and then go share it on The Internet for anyone to see and share further.

Now you are going to be able to manage a virtual team of people to do any kind of activity you want them to by assigning tasks to AI agents and letting them do the grunt work for you. You just do quality assurance to make sure the finished information is good, package the results together, and BAM! You’re done! The work is ready to be spread out there to the world.

You will be your own production company, your own studio. You just need to manage an outlet for your work, promote it and market it. And any part of that that is online can by automated, too. Amazing. Is your mind boggled? Mine is.

What do you think about that?

Christopher Nathan Carroll

chriscarroll.ogreoftheozarks@gmail.com

April 25, 2026

Springfield, Missouri, U.S.A.

 Here is a little more about The Muppets' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy screenplay:

Blurb

The Muppets present their version of Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Vintage Muppets mayhem meets Adams’ dry wit, satire and absurdism in a rollicking adventure across the cosmos in search of the question to the answer to life, the universe and everything (which is 42).

Logline

The Muppets bring their patented form of mayhem to Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when Kermit as Arthur Dent, Fozzie as Ford Prefect, Miss Piggy as Trillion and Gonzo as Zaphod Beeblebrox travel across the galaxy going from one adventure to another. They go from the total destruction of the planet Earth to a mythical planet that makes custom planets to The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, with The Muppets exploring Adams’ galaxy in search of the question to the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything (which is 42).

Tagline

Don’t Panic. In space, no one can hear you laugh.

Summary

Arthur Dent is saved from the destruction of the planet Earth by his friend Ford Prefect, who turns out to be an alien from outer space. They are rescued from asphyxiation in space by Trillian, another refuge from Earth, and Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox, who have just stolen an amazing spacecraft that can do improbable things. Together, with Marvin the Paranoid Android in tow, they explore the mysteries of the galaxy in search of something resembling the meaning of life.

Synopsis

Arthur Dent is saved from the destruction of the planet Earth by his friend Ford Prefect, who turns out to be an alien from outer space. They are rescued from asphyxiation in space by Trillian, another refuge from Earth, and Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox, who have just stolen an amazing spacecraft that can do improbable things. Together with Marvin the Paranoid Android in tow, they go to the mysterious remains of a planet that used to make custom planets.

There they are placed on a quest to discover the question to the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything (which is 42). After a stop at The Restaurant At the End of the Universe, they go to meet the man who runs the universe and discover both more and less than they were expecting. It all ends with a crash landing on a remote planet in the distant past, which explains a lot about how we got to where we are now.

 Okay, just trying this out.

Here is a link to the newly revised The Muppets' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy screenplay. It should be found on the following page. Cut and paste the link to see if it will take you there.

https://docs.google.com/document/u/0/

If it doesn't work, please let me know. Thanks!

 Wow. I am a very bad blogger. Very bad. I just found this blog again after almost a decade. A decade of no posts! For shame!

Well, I am going to make up for lost time.

First of all, I intend to find a way to repost my latest re-write of The Muppets' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy screenplay. Look for it coming soon!

Second, I will start to go over all the old posts and see where my mind was, where it is, and where it is going and I will get back to you on the results ASAP!

Thanks for reading this, whoever you are!

Peace! Out!

It has been brought to my attention that the links I provided for the movie-style script to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets, shared on Dropbox, don't work if you are not a member of the Dropbox community. Therefore, I have also created a folder named HHGTTG Scripts, containing the latest script revision, on Google Docs. Please go to the following URL and see if you can find and download a copy of the script there. If you have any problems, feel free to contact me and I will do everything that I can to rectify them.

Thanks,

CCarroll

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxfEXJzQniYaRlZUZ0pFOVQ2akE/view?usp=sharing

I've just rewritten the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie script, starring the Muppets, into its 3rd Revision. The new version is now available for download. Copy and paste the following URL into a new tab to get your copy of the script.

https://www.dropbox.com/home?preview=HHGTTG+Script%2C+Revision+3+PDF.pdf

Just F.Y.I.: The changes made were mostly to fix errors found in editing, plus changes made to make scenes make more sense and not contradict themselves or each other. I was going to change what happened to Trillian and to Zaphod, but I really think that the way they are dealt with works better as is. So, please enjoy this little script and please feel free to leave any comments that you like below.

I've decided to upload the script to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets to my Dropbox account. Cut and paste the following URL into a new tab to go to the PDF:

https://www.dropbox.com/home?preview=HHGTTG+Script%2C+Revision+2+PDF.pdf

Okay, I'm disappointed. The link I provided for the PDF version of the script to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy went away. And this danged website won't let me upload PDF's either. Bummed. I will find out how to put up a PDF or put up a permanent link to the PDF. I'll let you know ASAP.

Just for fun, and to practice script-writing, I have written a movie-style script for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets! I've been posting that script in parts on this blog, and now I've converted the entire thing into a PDF. This will be my first attempt to download the PDF to this page. Here we go: Try going to this link to find the PDF. If you can't click on the URL, cut and paste it into a new tab.

https://docupub.com/docs/f7b21164-5ea9-48c9-9056-520b42a3b0c9/HHGTTG%20Script,%20Revision%202.pdf

Here is the last part of the script to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down for the earlier parts. Please stay tuned and come back for a PDF version of the complete script.

57. INT. BRIDGE, GOLGAFRINCHAN SPACESHIP

The bridge is dotted with computer niches filled with officers toiling away at unknown and probably tedious tasks. In the middle of the bridge is a very large oval bathtub, filled with bubbles and the Captain of the ship, played by Dr. Teeth. The Number One officer, played by Floyd Pepper, walks up to his Captain.

NUMBER ONE: Captain ...

CAPTAIN: Yes, Number One?

NUMBER ONE: Just had a sort of report thingy from Number Two.

Number One passes a red piece of paper to his Captain. The Captain reads it, shaking his head.

CAPTAIN: Oh, dear. It looks like Number Two has captured some prisoners. Oh, well, perhaps that will keep him happy for a bit. He's always wanted some.

The door to the bridge opens. Ford and Arthur come in, followed by Number Two, who waves them in with his weapon.

NUMBER TWO: Prisoners, sir!

FORD and ARTHUR: Er ... hello?

CAPTAIN (Beaming): Oh, hello there. Excuse me for not getting up, just having a quick bath.

Number Two stands in front of the Captain, frustrated.

NUMBER TWO: Interrogate prisoners, sir?

The Captain looks on, bemused.

CAPTAIN: Why on Golgafrincham should I want to do that?

NUMBER TWO (Agitated): Interrogate! Interrogate!

FORD: We came to rescue you. Your ship is falling onto that planet. You put out a distress call, remember?

NUMBER TWO (Distressed): Interrogate?!

ARTHUR: You asked for help. We came to save you. What part of that don't you understand?

CAPTAIN: Steady on, Number Two. I put out that distress call, just as a matter of course. Regulations, don't you know. But we don't really need the help, do we? This actually is the planet we were headed for. I just sort of gathered that we were supposed to land on it, not crash on it. Crashes require distress calls, don't you know. Just following the rules. Sorry to have bothered you, and all that.

NUMBER TWO (Angry): Interrogate! Interrogate!

CAPTAIN: Oh all right, if you must. Ask them what they want to drink.

NUMBER TWO (Rounding on Ford and Arthur and making them jump): What drink?! What drink?!

FORD: Um, er ... root beer?

ARTHUR: Oh, er, yes, a root beer would be nice.

NUMBER TWO (Bellowing): Ice?

FORD: Oh, yes, please. And do you have any of those little biscuits? You know, the cheesy ones?

NUMBER TWO (Howling): Me ask questions!

CAPTAIN: Shove off and get the drinks, would you Number Two? There's a good chap. I'm trying to have a relaxing bath here.

Number Two stalks off. Number One approaches the Captain.

NUMBER ONE: Haven't you been in that bath for over three years?

The Captain squirms in his bath and gives Ford and Arthur a lame smile.

CAPTAIN: Well, you need to relax a lot in a job like mine.

Number Two returns with Ford and Arthur's drinks.

FORD (To the Captain): Um, I couldn't help but noticing, the bodies. In the hold.

CAPTAIN (Surprised): Bodies?

ARTHUR: Yes, all those dead hairdressers and account executives, you know, down in the hold.

The Captain stares at them for a moment, then throws his head back and laughs.

CAPTAIN: Oh, they're not dead. No, no, they're frozen. They're going to be revived, all of them. Tired TV producers, insurance salesmen, personnel officers, security guards, public relations executives, management consultants, you name it. We're going to colonize that planet, do you see?

ARTHUR: What, with that lot?

CAPTAIN: Now, don't misunderstand me. We're just one of the ships on the Ark Fleet. We're the 'B' Ark, you see.

FORD: What is a 'B' Ark?

CAPTAIN: This is, this ship. You see, our planet, the world from which we have come was, so to speak, doomed. Oh, I can't, I can't remember why, but it was decided that we pack the whole population into some giant spaceships and go and settle on another planet. Three ships were built, three Arks in space, do you see? The idea was that into the first ship, the 'A' ship, would go all the brilliant leaders, the scientists, the great artists, you know, all the achievers; and then into the third, or 'C' ship, would go all the people who did the actual work, who made things and did things; and then into the 'B' ship -- that's us -- would go everyone else, the middlemen, you see. And we were sent off first, to prepare things for everyone else, as it were.

FORD: And the other ships followed on after you, did they?

NUMBER ONE: Well, it's a funny thing you should say that because curiously enough we haven't seen them since we left some five years ago ... but they must be behind us somewhere.

FORD: Well, it seems like you've got a lot of things you're going to need to be doing, then, to prepare for your landing. If you could just show us to the nearest teleport booth, or escape shuttle, we'll be going.

NUMBER ONE: Actually, we don't have any of those things.

ARTHUR: What?

CAPTAIN: Oh yes, so many of those things that you'd expect to see on a starship, like communications arrays or escape pods or landing craft, we just don't seem to have any of them.

FORD: You mean we're stuck here on this ship?

CAPTAIN: Yes, yes in fact, because, I think, so much of the ship's planning, it's trajectory thingy and all that was preset before we left Golgafrincham. Perhaps because I'm not very good with figures ...

ARTHUR: So you mean that we're going to land on that wretched planet with you?

CAPTAIN: Well, not so much land as such, no ... er --

FORD (Sharply): What are you talking about?

CAPTAIN (Carefully): Well, I think as far as I can remember we were programmed to crash on it.

FORD and ARTHUR: Crash?

CAPTAIN: Er, yes, yes, it's all part of the plan, I think. There was a terribly good reason for it which I can't quite remember at the moment. It was something to do with ... er ...

FORD (Exploding): You're a load of useless bloody loonies!

CAPTAIN (Beaming): Yes, that was it, that was the reason.

58. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

Marvin watches the alien ship start to burn as it plunges through the atmosphere, to crash upon the planet below.

MARVIN: There they go, leaving me behind again. Don't worry about me, alone and abandoned on a forgotten spaceship in orbit around an insignificant little blue-green planet out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the galaxy. God, I'm so depressed. I think I'll turn myself off.

59. EXT. SWAMP, PLANETSIDE

NARRATOR: The Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark blazes as it falls to the planet surface. Pieces tear and peel off and dash to the surface like burning meteors. The red-hot ship tears through the sky and belly-flopps into a murky swamp. It sinks in the gray predawn light, taking most of its millions of frozen passengers with it. Thousands survive, however, and dredge themselves out of the muck and onto whatever dry land that they can find. On a nearby hillside, wet and bedraggled Ford and Arthur watch.

ARTHUR: Filthy dirty trick to pull.

FORD (Shrugging): An imaginitive solution to a problem, I'd have thought.

ARTHUR: Why can't people just learn to live together in peace and harmony?

Ford gives a loud, very hollow laugh.

FORD: Forty-two! No, doesn't work. Never mind.

Arthur looks at Ford as if he were a crazy bear.

ARTHUR: What do you think will happen to them all?

FORD: In an infinite Universe anything can happen, even survival. Strange but true.

Ford digs a Sens-O-Matic device from his satchel.

FORD: Broken. All of my tools have been destroyed in the crash, or lost in the swamp.

ARTHUR: What?

FORD: We're in trouble. Unless we can find some way to contact the Heart of Gold up in orbit, our chances of getting off this planet are zero.

Ford tosses everything back in his bag, and walks off.

FORD (Over his shoulder): Coming?

Arthur shrugs his shoulders and follows in Ford's wake.

60. EXT. SURFACE, PLANETSIDE

NARRATOR: Ford and Arthur spend years wandering the surface of the unknown planet, avoiding the Golgafrinchans, occasionally meeting primitive natives, traveling far and wide over landscapes ranging from mountains and valleys to deserts and seas, from forests and plains to icefields and glaciers. Ford occasionally works on his Sens-O-Matic, trying to repair it, to no end. One day, while traveling along the edge of a glacier, Arthur finds Ford crouching near a wall of ice. Ford is tense with excitement.

FORD: Look, look!

Arthur looks. He sees a solid wall of blue ice.

ARTHUR: Yes, it's a glacier. I've already seen it.

FORD: No, you've looked at it, you haven't seen it. Look again.

Arthur peers. He tilts his head from one side to another. He does a double-take. He peers again. His mouth flops open. Sounds come out of his mouth but don't make words. Shadows and lines in the ice seem to drift and overlap from the parallax caused by Arthur tilting his head back and forth. They slowly resolve themselves into enormous words in an alien language. Arthur had seen those words before, in an office on an alien planet far from his home world. Above the words is the outline of a face, a face that he was all too familiar with. It is the face of Slartibartfast.

FORD (Laughing hysterically): Norway!

61. EXT. WOODED GLEN, PLANETSIDE

The Golgafrinchans are gathering in a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is the bathtub from the bridge of the Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark. In the middle of the tub is the Captain. Several Golgafrinchans approach him.

NUMBER ONE: It's time for the afternoon committee meetings, sir.

CAPTAIN: Oh good, those are my favorites.

From a distance Ford and Arthur watch. Ford begins to walk briskly towards the gathering. Arthur follows.

CAPTAIN: All right, I'd like to call this meeting to some sort of order. Is that alright with everybody? When you're all ready.

Ford enters the clearing and approaches the bath.

FORD: I bring you news of a discovery that might interest you.

An officer, Number Three (Played by Zoot), approaches Ford.

NUMBER THREE: Is it on the agenda? Speaking as a management consultant of many years' standing, man, I must insist on the importance of observing the committee structure.

ARTHUR (Having joined Ford): What?

NUMBER TWO: Address the chair!

FORD: There isn't a chair, there's only a rock.

NUMBER ONE: We call it a chair.

A Marketing Girl (Played by Janice) approaches the rock.

MARKETING GIRL: Shut up, you guys! I want to table a motion, for sure, really.

ARTHUR: You mean boulder a motion.

FORD: This is rediculous. All you do is have meetings, and you haven't even discovered the wheel yet.

CAPTAIN: Oh, the wheel! In fact, we have a committee working on that project as we speak. It sounds like a terribly interesting project.

MARKETING GIRL: Ah, well, we're having a little difficulty there.

FORD: Difficulty? Difficulty? What do you mean, difficulty? It's the single machine in the entire universe!

MARKETING GIRL: All right, Mr. Wiseguy, if you're so clever, you tell us what color it should be.

FORD: Almighty Zarquont, have none of you done anything?

NUMBER THREE: Of course we have! I have the report on fiscal policy ...

FORD: Fiscal policy! How can you have money if none of you actually produces anything? It doesn't grow on trees you know.

NUMBER ONE: Since we decided to a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich. But we have also run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying one ship's peanut.

Arthur makes sheeshing noises.

CAPTAIN: So in order to obviate this problem and effectively revalue the leaf, we are about to embark on a massive defoliation campaign, and ... er, burn down all the forests. I think you'll all agree that's a sensible move under the circumstances.

FORD: This is crazy! Have you not achieved anything?

MARKETING GIRL: We've started making a fascinating documentary about the cavemen living in the area.

FORD: They're not cavemen.

MARKETING GIRL: They look like cavemen.

FORD: Do they live in caves?

NUMBER ONE: They live in huts.

ARTHUR: Have you noticed that, since you've arrived they've been dying out?

MARKETING GIRL: That's what the documentary is about. That gives it a poignant twist which is the hallmark of the really great documentary!

ARTHUR: Good grief!

MARKETING GIRL: Well, what have you two been doing all this time, then?

FORD: We've been on a journey. We went to try and find out something about this planet, and have we got news for you. We know this planet's future, and it doesn't matter a fetid pair of dingo's kidneys what you all do from now on. Burn down the forests, anything, it won't make a scrap of difference. Your future history has already happened. Two million years you've got and that's it. At the end of that time your race will be dead, gone and good riddance to you. Remember that, two million years!

Ford stalks off into the forest, with Arthur following behind him.

CAPTAIN (With a soothing smile): Well, still time for a few more baths. Could someone please pass me the sponge. I just dropped it over the side.

61. EXT. FOREST

Arthur and Ford walk up a slight incline, towards a group of the aboriginal natives of the planet. Arthur joins one native (Played by Sweetums), who is sitting on the ground tinkering with a board and some small pieces of stone.

ARTHUR: Look, Ford, they're still trying to play the game.

FORD: Play what game? What are you talking about?

ARTHUR: Well, I made a sort of word puzzle game and I've been trying to use it teach the natives how to speak. It hasn't been going all that well. The only word they know is grunt and they can't spell it.

FORD: What's that supposed to achieve?

ARTHUR: We've got to encourage them to evolve! To develop! Can you imagine what a world would be like descended from those, those ... cretins we arrived with?

FORD: Imagine? We don't have to imagine. We've seen it.

ARTHUR: Did you tell them what we'd discovered? Norway. Slartibartfast's signature in the glacier. Did you tell them?

FORD: They weren't interested. Face it, those zeebs over there are your ancestors, not these poor creatures here. Put the game away, Arthur, it won't save the human race because this lot aren't going to be the human race. The human race are currently sitting around a rock on the other side of this hill making documentaries about themselves.

Arthur winced.

ARTHUR: There must be something we can do.

The native, bored with the game, leaves. Arthur picks up a playing piece and holds it in his hand. He puts it down on the board. It is a 'W'.

ARTHUR: Ford, look, if that Question is printed in my brain wave patterns but I'm not consciously aware of it, it must be somewhere in my unconscious.

FORD: Yes, I suppose so.

ARTHUR: Mightn't there be a way of bringing that unconscious pattern forward?

FORD: Oh yes?

ARTHUR: Yes, by introducing some random element that can be shaped by that pattern.

FORD: Like how?

ARTHUR: Like by pulling word game letters out of a bag blindfolded.

Excited, Ford and Arthur sit next to the game board and begin to throw pieces into a bag made from Ford's towel.

FORD: Totally mad, utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense. Come on, come on. Right, close your eyes and pull out a letter.

Arthur closes his eyes and pulls out three letters. He hands them to Ford, who puts them onto the board with the letter Arthur had already left there.

FORD: W, H, A, T ... What! I think it's working!

Arthur pushed more letters towards Ford. Ford puts them onto the board.

FORD: D, O, Y ... Doy. Oh, perhaps it isn't working.

ARTHUR: Here's the next three.

FORD: O, U, G ... Doyoug ... It's not making much sense I'm afraid.

Arthur pulls another two letters from the bag. Ford puts them into place.

FORD: E, T, Doyouget ... Do you get! (Shouting): It is working! This is amazing, it really is working!

Arthur pulls out more letters. Ford quickly puts them into place.

FORD: I, F, Y, O, U ... M, U, L, T, I, P, L, Y ... What do you get if you multiply ... S, I, X ... six ... B, Y, by, six by, ... what do you get if you multiply six by ... N, I, N, E ... six by nine ... Come on, where's the next one?

ARTHUR: Er, that's the lot, that's all there were.

FORD: You mean that's it?

ARTHUR: That's it.

FORD: Six by nine. Forty two.

ARTHUR: That's it. That's all there is.

Ford and Arthur stand up and boggle at the game board.

ARTHUR (Sighing despondently): I always said there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe.

FORD: All for that.

ARTHUR: Yup. It's very sad, you know. Just at the moment it's a very beautiful planet.

Ford and Arthur wander off across the landscape.

FORD: It is, it is indeed. The rich primal greens, the river snaking off into the distance, the burning forests.

ARTHUR: And in only two millions years, bang, it gets destroyed by the Vogons. What a life for a young planet to look forward to. What a waste.

FORD: Well, better than some. I read of some planet up in the seventh dimension, got used as a ball in an intergalactic game of bar billiards. Got potted straight into a black hole, killed ten billion people.

ARTHUR: Madness, total madness!

FORD: Yeah, only scored thirty points, too.

ARTHUR: Where'd you read that?

FORD: Oh, a book.

ARTHUR: What book?

FORD: Oh, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

ARTHUR: Oh, that thing.

FORD: I wonder whatever happened to it.

ARTHUR: I threw it in the river. I don't think I'll be wanting it any more.

Ford and Arthur walk off into the distance.

Part Sixteen is the last part of the script to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. It introduces several new characters, performed by members of the Electric Mayhem band.

Part Fifteen of the script to the HHGTTG starring the Muppets introduces an alien creature, which I cannot decide who to have play, so I am for the moment leaving it unsaid.

Here, then, is Part Fifteen of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to see the earlier parts.

55. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

Zaphod, Ford, Trillian and Arthur are sitting on the seats on the bridge, watching the stars pass by on the wall viewer. Marvin putters around aimlessly in the background.

ARTHUR: What just happened?

FORD: I'll tell you about it after I've had a couple of very large drinks.

ZAPHOD (Laughing): I think the universe is in pretty good hands, yeah?

TRILLIAN: Very good. So what do we do now?

ZAPHOD: Anything we want. Hey, wait, look at that!

On the screen, a long silver spaceship drifts into view. It pulls up alongside the Heart of Gold.

TRILLIAN: We're being hailed.

ZAPHOD: Yeah? So put it on the screen.

Trillian operates some controls and the image of a tall, pale green alien with a flattened head appears on the wall viewer. It holds up a clipboard, consults it, then looks at the group on the bridge of the Heart of Gold.

ALIEN: Are you Arthur Dent?

Ford, Trillian and Zaphod look at Arthur in amazement.

ARTHUR: What? Er ... yes, why yes I am.

ALIEN: Arthur Philip Dent, of Earth?

ARTHUR: Yes?

ALIEN: You're a jerk, Dent. A real kneebiter.

ARTHUR: Er ...

The alien nods to itself, makes a particular alien check on its clipboard, and turns away.

ARTHUR: Er ... er ...

The alien turns back to face him and snaps:

ALIEN: Don't give me that!

The alien reaches for a control and the image disappears, shortly followed by the spaceship flitting away to vanish into the stars.

ARTHUR: What??

Ford, Zaphod and Trillian laugh happily as Arthur's head reels.

ARTHUR: This universe is crazy! It's run by a crazy old man in a shack, administered by crazy bureaucrats who are all fools, and populated by crazy aliens going around making insane insults for no reason! What's the point?!

MARVIN: Now you know how I feel.

TRILLIAN: Calm down, Arthur. It's not as bad as all that. What about this whole Question to the Ultimate Answer thing we're still stuck with? How are we going to figure out what it is?

ZAPHOD: Who cares? We're free to do whatever we want now, so let's go out and do it.

FORD: So what do you want to do?

Zaphod stopped. Several different looks of thought, confusion, and eventually dismay crossed first one face then the other.

ZAPHOD: I don't know! I've spent so much of my life trying to sort out what I've hidden from myself that now that I've done it, I don't know what to do next. Augh!

TRILLIAN: So let's figure out this whole Question to the Ultimate Answer thing. It's got to mean something, doesn't it?

ARTHUR: But how do we find out what it is?

ZAPHOD (Muttering): Excitement and adventure and really wild things ...

FORD: Hey, I've got a really crazy idea --

ARTHUR: Just what we need: more craziness.

FORD: No, listen, what if we program what we know about the Question to the Ultimate Answer into the Infinite Improbability Drive? It's designed to do as close to the impossible as we can get. Maybe it will give us some clues to work with.

MARVIN: It won't work.

TRILLIAN: Stop being so negative, Marvin. It couldn't hurt.

ZAPHOD (Holding his heads): My heads hurt. I need a drink.

While his other head says, 'Make that two drinks,' Zaphod goes to a niche in the back wall and makes a preposterous order.

ARTHUR: So what do we do?

FORD: We start programming.

Ford and Trillian start tinkering with the controls to the Infinite Improbability Drive, talking under their breathes about probabilities, computer logic, and other things that Arthur finds too arcane to follow. Dazed, he steps back. Behind him the niche that Zaphod is standing in begins to glow and to pulse, slowly at first and then more rapidly. Then, in a flash of light that only lasts for the blink of an eye, Zaphod disappears with an audible 'pop'. Arthur spins around at the sound, but sees nothing there. Turning back to Ford and Trillian, who appear to be finishing their task, he says:

ARTHUR: Where did Zaphod get to?

MARVIN: Who knows? Who cares? Nothing is worth getting involved in.

ARTHUR: You're as bad as he is.

TRILLIAN: Arthur, I think we've got it!

FORD: Now, to hit the button and activate the Infinite Improbability Drive!

FORD hits the button. The universe turns itself inside-out, elongates into an infinite whirlpool of light and sound rushing away into a wormhole, and disappears into itself. The universe rushes by at a frenetic pace; then it slows, then it stops. A rubber duck appears from nowhere, turns into one random object after another, and then finally turns into the Heart of Gold spaceship.

ARTHUR: Are we there?

FORD: Where? Where were we going?

ARTHUR: I don't know. You tell me.

TRILLIAN (Working the controls): Let's see what the sensors say. (The controls make electonic sounds.) The sensors say that we're exactly where we were. We didn't go anywhere!

FORD: That doesn't make sense. We had to have gone somewhere. Computer!

EDDIE: Hi, guys! Boy, it's great to see you again! I just know that I'll be happy to calculate --

FORD: Shut up! Just tell us where in Zarquont's name we just went.

EDDIE: You mean when you went, didn't you? Because you didn't travel anywhere in space, but you traveled approximately two million years back in time.

FORD, TRILLIAN and ARTHUR: What?!

MARVIN: Of course you did. You wouldn't want to miss out on all of the depressing things that happened in the past, now, would you?

EDDIE: That's right. The Infinite Improbability Drive has deposited you in the far past, according to the co-ordinates that you input into it. Gee whiz!

FORD: Wow! Zaphod, what do you think about that?

After a moment's silence, they all look around for Zaphod. He's not there.

TRILLIAN: Where'd he go?

ARTHUR: Don't you mean when did he go? Because just before Ford hit the Infinite Improbability Drive button, I was saying --

FORD: Computer! Where did Zaphod get off to?

EDDIE: Mr. Beeblebrox is no longer on the ship.

FORD and TRILLIAN: What?!

ARTHUR: As I was trying to say --

TRILLIAN: Computer, where did he go?

EDDIE: I really don't know. He programmed some really weird stuff into the teleport booth and it took him who-knows-where.

FORD (Shocked): Why would he do that?

TRILLIAN: We've got to find him!

ARTHUR (Retreating to a different niche in the wall): I think I'll just get myself a cup of tea.

An alarm klaxon starts blaring.

FORD: What now?

EDDIE: No worries! It's just that we've picked up a distress signal from a spaceship a long ways from here. They're trapped in a disintegrating orbit around a planet, and their engines have failed. Wow-ee!

TRILLIAN: Do you think it could be Zaphod?

FORD: Anything is possible. Do we check it out?

ARTHUR (Returning with his tea): Aren't we obligated to help when a ship is in distress?

FORD: It's just a suggestion.

TRILLIAN and ARTHUR: Ford!

FORD: Oh, all right! Computer, how far away is that ship?

EDDIE: Many days if we use the star drive. Minutes if we use the Infinite Improbability Drive.

ARTHUR: That sounds risky. Look what happened to us the last time we used it.

TRILLIAN: It's all right. So long as we have the right co-ordinates, we'll be fine. Computer, do it!

EDDIE: Here we go!

The Heart of Gold turns into a red rose, then into one random object after another, then vanishes. It  reappears at a different point in space, orbiting a small blue-green planet. Another ship, drifting away towards the planet, can just be seen below it.

FORD: Computer, hail that ship!

EDDIE: No response.

TRILLIAN: Are there any lifeforms on board it?

EDDIE: Several, I think. But the readings are kind of odd. It says that there are many thousands of life signs, but they are abnormally weak. They could be dying.

ARTHUR: Dying? Good grief!

MARVIN: Lucky.

FORD: Can you use the tractor beam to pull that ship into a more stable orbit?

EDDIE: Nope. It's far too much larger than we are for that to work.

FORD: Can we dock with it, or land on it?

EDDIE: I'm afraid not. It doesn't seem to be equipped for that. What an odd design! It's unlike any proper ship I've ever seen. No communications arrays, no sensors, no nothing! Weeeird!

FORD (Pushing his chair back): Well, it looks like they're done for!

ARTHUR: How can you say that?

FORD: Easy! There's nothing we can do, so who cares?

ARTHUR: Real humanitarian, you are.

FORD: Hey! There's no need to get all insulting about it!

TRILLIAN: We've still got to try to help. How about using the teleporter, like Zaphod did?

EDDIE: I wouldn't recommend it. It's programming is still a little bonkers from when Mr. Beeblebrox reprogrammed it.

TRILLIAN: So re-reprogram it. And be quick about it.

EDDIE: No promises.

FORD: Computer!

EDDIE (In a hurt tone): Okay, okay! It's ready. Just step into the booth and I'll try to teleport you over to the alien ship.

Ford, Trillian and Arthur step over to the teleport booth. Ford makes Arthur put down his tea. While Arthur protests ("I haven't finished that, yet!"), the teleport's lights blink. The cup of tea falls over, pouring into the teleport controls. Sparks fly, and there is a small explosion. With a loud popping sound, they vanish. Marvin looks at the destroyed teleport booth and shakes his head.

EDDIE: Oh, dear. That didn't quite go as expected, did it?

Here is Part Fourteen of the movie script to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to find the earlier parts.

52. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

TRILLIAN: I can't believe we're doing this. Giving the ship to this character. Traveling who knows where for who knows what reason.

ZARNIWOOP: The reason will be made clear to you shortly. I have programmed the computer with the Improbability Coordinates pertinent to our journey. We will arrive there very soon. Meanwhile, you should try to relax and prepare for your meeting.

FORD: Our meeting with whom?

ZARNIWOOP: We are going to meet the man who rules the Universe.

ZAPHOD: Hey, yeah? Now you've got my undivided attention. And we're meeting this man, why?

ZARNIWOOP: Because he has the answers. All of the answers. And we're going to get them from him one way or another. That was our plan; your plan. Who was behind it all? Who held ultimate power? If not the President of the Galaxy, then who? Why? All of the big questions, all of them answered. And to do that, we needed this ship because the man we want is hidden behind a vast field of Unprobability to which only a handful of men in this Galaxy have a key. But now we have our own key: this ship, the Heart of Gold. Only its Infinite Improbability Drive can penetrate the Unprobability field and take us to the hidden planet at its center.

TRILLIAN: And why you?

ZARNIWOOP: I was Yooden Vranx's partner in the scheme. It was originally his idea, but he was dying and he knew he couldn't complete it. So he had to find a successor. That was you, Beeblebrox. We planned for you to take Yooden's place, and you did. You were to steal the ship, I was to wait for you at Milliways with the coordinates. Then we would proceed to the location. That's all. And the plan has worked perfectly. You should be proud, Zaphod,

ZAPHOD (Savagely): And when all this is done, it's done, all right? I'm free to go and do what the heck I like and lie on beaches and stuff?

ZARNIWOOP: It depends what transpires from the meeting.

ARTHUR (Sarcastically): Will the adventure never end?

MARVIN: It will, but you won't like it.

Everyone answers: 'Oh, shut up!'

53. NARRATOR: One of the major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them. To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem. And so this is the situation we find: a succession of Galactic Presidents who so much enjoy the fun and palaver of being in power that they very rarely notice that they're not. And somewhere in the shadows behind them -- who? Who can possibly rule if no one who wants to do it can be allowed to?

54. A grey landscape. A small hut huddles next to a washed-out path near the edge of a sea. It is bucketing down rain, churning and slopping the land into a mudbath. The rain pounds on the corrugated iron roof of the hut. Inside the hut is a shambling figure of a muppet (or a human*), hunched over an old and weatherbeaten cat, waving a fish at it.

MAN (Played either by Cookie Monster or a Celebrity Special Guest Star*): Pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy want his fish? Nice fish.

The cat seems undecided. It paws at the fish suspiciously, then loses attention.

MAN: Pussy not eat his fish, pussy get thin and waste away, I think. I imagine this is what will happen, but how can I tell? Pussy think,eat fish or not eat fish. I think it is better if I don't get involved.

The man leaves the fish on the floor for the cat, and retires to his seat.

MAN: Fish come from far away, or so I'm told. Or so I imagine I'm told. When the men come, or when in my mind the men come in their six black shiny ships, do they come in your mind too? What do you see, pussy? And when I hear their questions, do you hear questions? What do their voices mean to you? Perhaps you just think they're singing songs to you.

The man pauses and thinks about this for a while.

MAN: Perhaps they are singing songs to you, and I just think they're asking me questions. Do you think they came today? I do. There's mud on the floor, cookies on the table, fish on a plate for you and a memory of them in my mind. Hardly conclusive evidence, I know, but then all evidence is circumstantial. I think I must be right in thinking they ask me questions. To come all that way and leave all these things just for the privilege of singing songs to you would be very strange behavior. Or so it seems to me. Who can tell, who can tell.

The man picks up a glass that was lying on the floor and looks at it.

MAN: I think I saw another ship in the sky today. A big white one. I've never seen a big white one, just the six black ones. And the six green ones. And the others who say they come from so far away. Never a big white one. Perhaps six small black ones can look like one big white one at certain times.

The man sets the glass down on the table.

MAN: Perhaps some other people are coming to see me.

After a short while there is the sound of a starship landing outside, nearby. There is a knocking at the door. The man looks at the door but does not move to open it. After a pause, the knocking returns. The man thinks for a while. The knocking returns again. The man gets up and opens the door.

Zaphod, Zarniwoop, Trillian, Ford and Arthur stand huddled in the doorway, soaking wet.

MAN: Hello?

ZARNIWOOP: Ah, excuse me, I have reason to believe --

ZAPHOD: Do you rule the universe?

MAN (Smiling): I try not to. Are you wet?

They look at him in astonishment.

FORD: Wet? Doesn't it look like we're wet?

MAN: That's how it looks to me, but how you feel about it might be an altogether different matter.If you find warmth makes you dry, you'd better come in.

They go in.

Everyone looks around the tiny one-room shack with distaste, interest, or delight, each as suits their natures.

ZAPHOD: Hey, er ... what's your name?

The man looks at them doubtfully.

MAN: I don't know. Why, do you think I should have one? It seems very odd to give a bundle of vague sensory perceptions a name.

ARTHUR (Looking at the Man's run-down chair): Is this really the seat of power?

ZARNIWOOP: Listen, I must ask you some questions.

MAN: All right. You can sing to my cat if you like.

TRILLIAN: Would he like that?

MAN: You'd better ask him.

TRILLIAN: Does he talk?

MAN: I have no memory of him talking, but I am very unreliable.

Zarniwoop pulls some notes out of a pocket.

ZARNIWOOP: Now, you do rule the universe, do you?

MAN: How can I tell?

Zarniwoop ticks off a note on the paper.

ZARNIWOOP: How long have you been doing this?

MAN: Ah, this is a question about the past, is it?

Everyone looks at the man in puzzlement. This isn't exactly what they were expecting.

ZARNIWOOP: Yes.

MAN: How can I tell that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?

Zarniwoop stares open-mouthed at him for a moment, then says:

ZARNIWOOP: So you answer all questions like this?

MAN (Quickly): I say what it occurs to me to say when I think I hear people say things. More I cannot say.

ARTHUR: What?

Zaphod laughs happily.

FORD: Wait a minute. People come to you, do they? In ships ...

MAN: I think so.

TRILLIAN: And they ask you to make decisions for them? About people's lives, about worlds, about economies, about wars, about everything going on out there in the Universe?

MAN: Out there? Out where?

ZARNIWOOP (Pointing at the door): Out there!

MAN (Politely): How can you tell there's anything out there? The door's closed.

ZARNIWOOP: But you know there's a whole universe out there! You can't dodge your responsibilities by saying they don't exist!

MAN: You're very sure of your facts. I couldn't trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe -- if there is one -- for granted.

Zarniwoop quivers. Zaphod whoops.

MAN: I only decide about my Universe. My universe is my eyes and my ears. Anything else is hearsay.

ARTHUR: But don't you believe in anything?

The man shrugs and picks up his cat.

MAN: I don't understand what you mean.

ZARNIWOOP: You don't understand that what you decide in this shack of yours affects the lives and fates of billions of people? This is all monstrously wrong!

MAN: I don't know. I've never met all these people you speak of. And neither, I suspect, have you. They only exist in words we hear. It is folly to say you know what is happening to other people. Only they know, if they exist. They have their own universes of their eyes and ears.

Trillian, smiling, drags a gape-mouthed Arthur towards the door.

TRILLIAN: I think we're just popping outside for a moment.

Trillian and Arthur leave through the door.

ZARNIWOOP: Do you believe other people exist?

MAN: I have no opinion. How can I say?

Zaphod grabs Ford by the arm and steers him, protesting, towards the door.

ZAPHOD: We'd better see what's up with Trillian and Arthur.

Zaphod and Ford also leave.

ZARNIWOOP: But don't you understand that people live or die on your word?

The man waits until he hears the starship's engines starting, and then he speaks to cover it.

MAN: It's nothing to do with me. I am not involved with people. I am not a cruel man. Please, I think I am tired.

Zarniwoop heaves a thoroughly dissatisfied sigh and looks about.

ZARNIWOOP: Where did the others go?

The man settles in his chair and begins to stroke his cat.

MAN: What others? I remember no one. The past is a fiction to account for ...

ZARNIWOOP: Stuff it!

Zarniwoop runs out into the rain. There is no ship. He hollers into the rain. He turns and runs back to the shack but finds it locked. He pounds on the door but there is no answer. The rain continues to churn the mud.

Part Fourteen of the movie script to the HHGTTG starring the Muppets features the Man who runs the Universe, played by either Cookie Monster or another Special Guest Star.

49. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

Ford, Zaphod, Trillian and Arthur dash onto the bridge of the starship Heart of Gold and throw themselves into chairs. Marvin the Paranoid Android, having watched them dash by without so much as a 'Hello' shrugs his shoulders, shakes his head, and trudges away down the hall. They begin to frantically operate the controls.

FORD: Let's get out of here, quick!

TRILLIAN: Right, where are we going?

ZAPHOD: I'm still starving! Let's go somewhere where we can get some food, yeah?

ARTHUR: What? What about this whole Ultimate Question thing?

ZAPHOD: Who cares? Everybody, hold tight! We'll take in a quick bite at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

Zaphod presses several buttons and pulls a lever. Then he hits the Infinite Improbability Drive button, and the universe turns itself inside-out. The Heart of Gold vanishes from the surface of Magrathea.

50. NARRATOR: There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened. There is yet another which states that, In the beginning the Universe was created, and that this has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Much later, a race of hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings built themselves a gigantic supercomputer called Deep Thought to calculate once and for all the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. After seven and a half million years of calculating, Deep Thought gave the answer as Forty-two. This was, of course, unacceptable therefore another, even bigger computer had to be built to find out what the actual question was. This computer, called the Earth, was so large that it was frequently mistaken for a planet -- especially by the strange apelike beings who roamed its surface, totally unaware that they were simply a part of a gigantic computer program. Sadly, however, just before the critial moment of readout, the Earth was unexpectedly demolished by the Vogons to make way for a new hyperspace bypass, and so all hope of discovering a meaning for life was lost forever. Or so it would seem. Two of those strange apelike creatures survived, and they are all that remain of the greatest experiment ever conducted -- to find the Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe and Everything. At the moment, they are both arguing with a man with two heads, one very hungry stomache, and absolutely no idea where he was was or what he was doing there.

49 Cont. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

ZAPHOD: Hey, it's not my fault we're locked in the ship! I put in the right coordinates, we just seem to be in some sort of holding pattern.

ARTHUR: What do you mean, a holding pattern?

ZAPHOD: The ship is making us wait to disembark. I don't know why.

TRILLIAN: But where are we?

FORD: If I'm reading these sensors right, we're in a parking garage waiting to be assigned a berth so that we can park.

ARTHUR: So what do we do now?

FORD: Wait, I guess. Hey, Zaphod old mate, since we seem to have the time to think about it, I've got a question for you.

ZAPHOD: Lay it on me!

FORD: That whole story about why you became President of the Galaxy, it has several enormous holes in it, you know?

ZAPHOD: I know! Or rather, I don't know. I seem to have forgotten a lot of really important things since, or even before I became President.

TRILLIAN: What do you mean, forgotten?

ZAPHOD: Yeah, of course I forgot! I had to forget. They screen your brain when you get the job, you know. If they'd found out my head was full of tricksy ideas I'd have been right out on the street again with nothing to show for it but a fat pension, secretarial staff, a fleet of ships and a couple of slit throats.

ARTHUR: Sheesh!

ZAPHOD: The worst part is that if I am meant to be doing some great thing or other, it looks to me as if I was not supposed to know. And I resent that, right? The old me did this to me because the old me knew and cared. Fine, so far so good. Except that the old me cared so much that he actually got inside his own brain -- my own brain! -- and locked off the bits that knew and cared, because if I knew and cared I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to go and be President, and I wouldn't be able to steal this ship, which must be the important thing. But this former self of mine killed himself off, didn't he, by changing my brain? Okay, that was his choice. This new me has his own choices to make, and by a strange coincidence those choices involve not knowing and not caring about this big number, whatever it is. That's what he wanted, that's what he got. Except this old self of mine tried to leave himself in control, leaving orders for me in the bit of the brain he locked off. Well, I don't want to know, and I don't want to hear them. That's my choice. I'm not going to be anyone's puppet, particularly not my own.

FORD: Do you mean that you have absolutely no idea why you did what you did to yourself?

ZAPHOD: Right.

FORD: That can't be right. It has to make some kind of sense, doesn't it?

TRILLIAN: Maybe it's like a puzzle, or a riddle. Maybe if we all put our heads together we can sort it all out.

FORD: Zaphod, you knew when you were President of the Galaxy, as did Yooden Vranx before you, that the President is nothing. A cipher. Somewhere in the shadows behind is another man, being, something, with ultimate power.

ZAPHOD: It could be a computer for all I know. What difference does it make?

TRILLIAN: Well, if they've gone to so much effort to hide the reality of where ultimate power comes from, that's got to mean something, doesn't it? Who does hold ultimate power? Why are they being hidden from the Universe? What does it all mean?

ZAPHOD: Who knows? Who cares? I already told you that I don't. What difference does it make?

ARTHUR: It makes every difference, because whether you like it or not you seem to be stuck on this quest to find the ultimate whatsit, and we're stuck following you around while you're onto it, is all. You may not care, but we do because we don't know what's going to happen to us next because of it!

FORD and TRILLIAN: Right!

At that moment the Computer came to life, and said (ticker tape, ticker tape):

EDDIE: Hi, guys! I have just been informed by the parking authority that we have finally been assigned a berth. I'm bringing the ship in to land. Welcome to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!

51. INT. FOYER, THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE

As Ford, Zaphod, Trillian and Arthur enter the foyer of the restaurant, they look around in amazement. The place is all crystal chandeliers, glass walls and glowing neon. One particularly large fixture features the name of the restaurant, Milliways, in large pink neon lights.

TRILLIAN: We should have brought Marvin along. He looked awfully put out that we left him on the ship.

ZAPHOD: This is a restaurant! He doesn't have a stomache. Who cares?

ARTHUR: That's your answer to everything, isn't it?

ZAPHOD: Yeah. Get used to me kid, there's a lot of me to go around. (Laughs.) Now, where's the food?

The maître d' approaches the group.

MAITRE D' (Played by Sam the Eagle): How many?

ZAPHOD: How many what?

MAITRE D': In your party?

TRILLIAN: Four, s'il vous plaît.

MAITRE D': Follow me, please.

The maître d' leads the party into the restaurant, and to a table with a view of the band rostrum. The ballroom floor is covered with dancers enjoying the light music that the band plays.

MAITRE D': Your waiter will be with you shortly.

FORD: Thank you.

ARTHUR: What is this place?

ZAPHOD: Only the greatest restaurant in the whole of everything! Milliways! The restaurant at the end of the universe!

ARTHUR: The what?

FORD: This is the most exclusive restaurant in the universe, and very hard to get into. If Zaphod here weren't President of the Galaxy, we probably couldn't get past the front door!

TRILLIAN: Really? Why?

ZAPHOD: Listen, this is the coolest, most wild and wonderful eating establishment in the universe! How many restaurants at the end of the universe are there?

ARTHUR: End of what?

ZAPHOD: The universe.

ARTHUR: When did that end?

WAITER (Played by Grover, reprising his role from the restaurant sketch on Sesame Street): In just a few minutes, sir. Would you care to start with a few drinks?

ZAPHOD and FORD: Would we!

TRILLIAN: Ooh! Thank you!

ARTHUR: But look Ford, surely if the universe is about to end here and now, don’t we go with it?

FORD: Ah, no, no, no, look, I mean, as soon as you come into this dive I think you get held in this sort of amazing force-shielded temporal warp thing. Now imagine this napkin, right? …as the temporal universe, right? And imagine this spoon as the, as the transductional mode in the matter curve - no, no, better still, this fork --

ARTHUR: What?

FORD: Yeah, well, forget that. I mean, do you know how the universe began for a kick off?

ARTHUR: Well, probably not.

FORD: Alright imagine this: you get a large round bath made of ebony.

ARTHUR: Where from? Harrod’s was destroyed by the Vogons.

FORD: Well it doesn’t matter --

ARTHUR: So you keep saying!

FORD: No, No listen. Just imagine that you’ve got this ebony bath, right? And it’s conical.

ARTHUR: Conical? What kind of bath is --

FORD: No, no, shh, shhh, it’s, it’s, it’s conical okay? So what you do, you fill it with fine white sand right? Or sugar, or anything like that. And when it’s full, you pull the plug out and it all just twirls down out of the plug hole … but the thing is …

ARTHUR: Why?

FORD: No, the clever thing is that you film it happening. You get a movie camera from somewhere and actually film it. But then you thread the film in the projector backwards.

ARTHUR: Backwards?

FORD: Yeah, neat you see. So what happens is you sit and you watch it and then everything appears to swirl upwards, out of the plug hole and fill the bath… amazing.

ARTHUR: And that’s how the universe began?

FORD: No. But it’s a marvellous way to relax.

TRILLIAN: Funny man.

FORD: Well it broke the ice didn’t it? Zaphod, you're pretty silent all the sudden. Are you okay?

ZAPHOD: Shhh! We're being watched.

ARTHUR (Looking around): What? By whom?

ZAPHOD: Don't look! He's over there, by the bar. Oh, no, he's coming over here. Be cool.

ZARNIWOOP (Played by either Link Hogthrob or a Celebrity Special Guest Star) (To Zaphod): You took your time coming, Beeblebrox. I was beginning to think you weren't coming. Did you bring it?

ZAPHOD (Very cool): It's you. You're looking very you, you are. Who are you, again?

ZARNIWOOP: The Heart of Gold. You did bring it, didn't you?

ZAPHOD: Maybe. Maybe you just think I brought it.

FORD (Under his breathe): Zaphod, who is this guy?

ZAPHOD (With one head): Beats me. (With the other head): First, tell my friends here who you are and what you're doing here.

ZARNIWOOP: My name is Zarniwoop and you were supposed to come alone.

ZAPHOD: Listen, this is my crew and they need to know what's going on. So tell them already!

ZARNIWOOP: You forget, Beeblebrox, you're not the one giving orders here. We had a plan, and it doesn't include them.

FORD: Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but we have what you want, and if you want to get it, you need to clue us in to what's going on and why we need to give it to you.

ZARNIWOOP: Ask Zaphod, it was his plan; he's the one giving the orders. Oh, wait, you can't. (Laughs.) That Zaphod is gone. He left me in charge, and he left the plan with me as well.

ZAPHOD (Angrily): That's it! You can count me out, from here on in you can count me out. I've had all I want of this. You play your own games.

ZARNIWOOP: I'm afraid you cannot avoid it. Once you stole that ship, you were entwined  in the Improbability Field. You cannot escape your fate. Now, for the last time, take me to the ship!

ARTHUR: And I haven't even had my tea yet.