Here is Part Seven of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie script, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to see the earlier Parts.

28. INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE

As the characters mill around talking, the camera pans back, expanding to show the whole of the bridge, then the corridors of the ship, then the exterior of the ship as it travels at inconceivable speeds through the Horsehead Nebula, while the voice of the Narrator begins to describe the ancient Galactic Empire and the legend of the planet Magrathea, ending with:

NARRATOR: In these enlightened days, of course, no one believes a word of it.

As the starship approaches a dry and desolate-looking world, we rejoin the passengers and crew on the bridge.

27 Cont. INT.  BRIDGE , HEART OF GOLD

FORD: I’m sorry, I just don’t believe a word of it.

ZAPHOD: Listen to me Ford, I’ve found it. I swear I’ve found it.

FORD: Magrathea is a myth! A fairy story! It’s what parents tell their kids at night if they want them to grow up to be economists. And -

ZAPHOD: … and we are currently in orbit around it.

FORD: Zaphod, I can’t help what you may personally be in orbit around, but this ship --

ZAPHOD: Computer.

COMPUTER comes on-line with his usual ticking.

FORD: Oh no.

COMPUTER: Hi, guys! This is getting real sociable, isn't it? I’m feeling just great guys, and I know I’m just gonna get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run through me.

ZAPHOD: Computer, just tell us again what our current trajectory is.

COMPUTER: A real pleasure fella. We are currently in orbit, at an altitude of three hundred miles, around the legendary planet of Magrathea. Goll-ee.

FORD: Proving nothing. I wouldn’t trust that computer to speak my weight.

COMPUTER: I could do that for you sure.

FORD: No thank you.

COMPUTER: I could even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places if it’ll help.

Arthur looks inquiringly at Trillian. She waves him over to the computer consoles, where Zaphod and Ford are standing, but motions him to keep quiet.

TRILLIAN: Zaphod, any minute now we will be swinging round to the daylight side of the planet, whatever it turns out to be.

ZAPHOD: Right! Let's give our eyes a good time, then. Computer!

COMPUTER: Hi, there! What can I ...

ZAPHOD: Just shut up and give us a view of the planet, yeah?

The wall viewscreens come on and show the dark featureless mass of the planet rolling away beneath them. Too excited to wait quietly, Zaphod begins to speak in a hushed tone:

ZAPHOD: We are now traversing the night side. The surface of the planet is three hundred miles beneath us ...

FORD (Interrupting): Well, even supposing it is Magrathea --

ZAPHOD (Annoyed): It is!

FORD: …which it isn’t, what do you want with it anyway? I mean I take it you're not here for the sheer industrial archaeology of it all. What is it you’re after?

ZAPHOD: Well, it’s partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly I think it’s the fame and the money. (Returning to his narration spotted with heavy breathing): In a few seconds, we should see ... there!

A spectacular, binary sunrise graces the screen, illuminating the planet's crescent in driving colored shafts of mind-boggling light.

ZAPHOD: The fires of dawn! The twin suns of Soulianis and Rahm ...

FORD: Or whatever

ZAPHOD: Soulianis and Rahm!

Arthur edges up to Trillian and asks what is going on.

TRILLIAN: I only know what Zaphod's told me. Apparently Magrathea is some kind of legend from way back which no one seriously believes in. Bit like Atlantis on Earth, except that the legends say the Magratheans used to manufacture planets.

Arthur ponders this for a minute, then comes to a conclusion:

ARTHUR: Is there any tea on this spaceship?

FORD (Annoyed with Arthur): Just tell the computer to make your tea, frog! Can't you see that this guy doesn't have the faintest idea why we're here!

Arthur leaves the console area and talks to the Computer at the drink dispenser niche.

TRILLIAN: You know, I don't like the look of that planet at all.

ZAPHOD: Oh, come on! With half the wealth of the former Galactic Empire stored on it somewhere it can afford to look frumpy.

FORD: I think it's just a dead planet.

ARTHUR (Taking a cup from the drink dispenser, sipping it, and grimacing): The suspense is killing me.

28. NARRATOR: Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the galaxy and it is in order that this situation should not be in any way exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance: The planet in question, is, in fact, Magrathea. The deadly nuclear missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient automatic defence system will merely result in the bruising of somebody’s upper arm, and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale. In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved no revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm has been bruised. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense since it is of no significance whatsoever. Arthur’s next question about the planet is very complex and difficult, and Zaphod’s answer is wrong in every important respect.

27 Cont. INT.  BRIDGE , HEART OF GOLD

ARTHUR: Is it safe?

ZAPHOD: Magrathea’s been dead for five-million years, of course it’s safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and raised families by now.

A strange sound - as of a distant fanfare, hollow, reedy, and insubstantial - plays across the bridge, followed by an equally hollow, reedy, insubstantial voice:

RECORDED MESSAGE (Voiced by Dr. Julius Strangepork): Greetings to you ...

ZAPHOD: What?

TRILLIAN: Who’s that voice?

ZAPHOD: Computer?

COMPUTER: Hi there!

ZAPHOD: What is it?

COMPUTER: Oh just some five-million-year-old tape-recording that’s been broadcast at us

RECORDED MESSAGE: This is a recorded announcement as I’m afraid we’re all out at the moment. The commercial council of Magrathea …

ZAPHOD: A voice from the ancient Magratheas!

RECORDED MESSAGE: …thanks you for your esteemed...

FORD: Okay, okay.

RECORDED MESSAGE: …visit, but regrets that the entire planet is closed for business. Thank you. If you would like to leave your name, and a planet where you can be contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone. (Beep.)

TRILLIAN: They want to get rid of us. What do we do?

ZAPHOD: It’s just a recording. We keep going, got that computer?

COMPUTER: I got it!

RECORDED MESSAGE: We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is resumed, announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines and colour supplements when our clients will once again be able to select from all that’s best in contemporary geography. Meanwhile we thank our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. Now.

ARTHUR: Well I suppose we better be going haven’t we.

ZAPHOD: Shh! There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about.

ARTHUR: Then why is everyone so tense?

ZAPHOD: They’re just interested! We keep going.

RECORDED MESSAGE: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated. And so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients… And the fully armed nuclear warheads are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives. Thank you.

Trillian, Ford and Arthur look panicked.

ZAPHOD: Look, will you get it into your heads? That's just a recorded message. It's millions of years old. It doesn't apply to us, get it?

Ford pulls another screen up onto the wall viewer, one showing two missiles climbing through the atmosphere toward the ship. A quick change of magnification brings them into close focus. They look ominous and deadly.

FORD: I think they're going to have a very good try at applying it to us.

ZAPHOD (Staring in astonishment): Hey, this is terrific! Someone down there is trying to kill us!

ARTHUR: Terrific.

ZAPHOD: But don't you see what this means?

ARTHUR: Yes. We're going to die.

ZAPHOD: But apart from that.

TRILLIAN: Apart from that?

ZAPHOD: It means we must be on to something!

FORD: How soon can we get off of it?

TRILLIAN: So, what are we going to do?

ZAPHOD: Just keep cool. (Suddenly panicked): Also, we're going to ... er ... take evasion action! Computer, what evasive action can we take?

COMPUTER: Er, none, I'm afraid, guys. Something seems to be jamming my guidance systems. Impact minus forty-five seconds. Please call me Eddie if it helps you to relax.

ZAPHOD: Right. Um look we’ve got to get manual control of this ship.

TRILLIAN: Can you fly her?

ZAPHOD: No. Can you?

TRILLIAN: No.

ZAPHOD: Ford?

FORD: No.

ZAPHOD: Fine we’ll do it together.

ARTHUR: I can’t either.

ZAPHOD: I guessed that. Computer I want full manual control now.

EDDIE: You got it. Good luck guys. Impact minus thirty seconds.

ZAPHOD: Okay Ford, full retro-thrust and ten degrees starboard.

TRILLIAN: We’re veering too fast!

FORD: I can’t hold her, she’s going into a spin!

ZAPHOD: Dive! Dive!

29. NARRATOR: It is, of course, more or less at this point that one of our heroes sustains a slight bruise to the upper arm. This should be emphasised because, as has already been revealed, they escape otherwise completely unharmed, and the deadly nuclear missiles do not eventually hit the ship. Our heroes’ safety is absolutely assured.

27 Cont. INT.  BRIDGE , HEART OF GOLD

EDDIE: Impact minus fifteen seconds guys! (Singing): When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high ...

ZAPHOD: Would someone please shut that Computer up!

The ship danced wildly, and the missiles weaved and bobbed and followed it, getting closer and closer.

EDDIE (Singing): And don't be afraid of the dark!

ARTHUR (Watching the missiles): This is it, we are now quite definitely going to die, aren't we?

FORD (Shouting): I wish you'd stop saying that!

ARTHUR: Well, we are, aren't we?

FORD: Yes.

EDDIE (Singing): At the end of the storm is a golden sky, and the sweet silver song of the lark ...

ARTHUR (Surprised by a thought): Say, why doesn't anyone turn on this Improbability Drive thing?

ZAPHOD: What, are you crazy? Without proper programming anything could happen.

ARTHUR: Does that matter at this stage?

EDDIE (Normal voice): Impact minus one second. It's been great knowing you guys. (Continues singing.)

TRILLIAN: So, does anyone know why Arthur can't turn on the ...

There is a mind-mangling explosion of noise and light. The next thing that happens is that the passengers and crew of the Heart of Gold find themselves lounging in deck chairs, wearing vacation clothing, hats, and sunglasses, and holding tall iced drinks. The bridge of the starship is littered with sand underfoot, beach blankets, sun umbrellas, and there are muppets playing ball in the background.

ZAPHOD: What the heck happened?

ARTHUR: Well, I was just saying that there's this Improbability Drive switch here, and why can't we just use it?

FORD: But where are we?

TRILLIAN: Exactly where we were, I think.

ZAPHOD (Leaping out of his chair): Then what's happened to the missiles?

FORD (Looking at the console and shaking his head): They would appear to have turned into a bowl of petunias and a very surprised-looking whale.

EDDIE: At an Improbability factor of eight million, seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand, one hundred and twenty-eight to one against.

ZAPHOD (Staring at Arthur): Did you think of that, Earthman? That's very good thinking, you know. You just saved our lives, you know that?

ARTHUR: Oh, well, it was nothing, really ...

ZAPHOD: Was it? Oh well, forget it then. Okay, Computer, take us in to land.

ARTHUR: But ...

ZAPHOD: I said forget it.

Part Seven of the HHGTTG movie script, starring the Muppets, features only one new character addition, the Magrathean recording. This character is portrayed by Dr. Julius Strangepork.

Here is part Six of the movie script for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to see the earlier Parts.

25.  INT. HEART OF GOLD CARGO BAY

FORD: I think this ship is brand new, Arthur.

ARTHUR: How can you tell? Have you got some exotic device for measuring the age of metal?

FORD: No, I just found this sales brochure lying on the floor. “The Universe can be yours.” Ah, and look, I was right, “Sensational new breakthrough in improbability physics. As the ship’s drive reaches infinite improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously. You select your own re-entry point. Be the envy of other major governments.” Wow! This is big-league stuff.

ARTHUR: It looks a lot better than that dingy Vogon ship. This is my idea of a spaceship! All gleaming white, flashing lights, everything. What happens if I press this button?

FORD: I wouldn’t…

Arthur presses button.

ARTHUR: Oh!

FORD: What happened?

ARTHUR: A sign lit up saying “please do not press this button again.”

FORD (Looking at the brochure): They make a big thing of the ship’s cybernetics. “A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics robots and computers, with the new G.P.P. feature.”

ARTHUR: ”G.P.P.”? What’s that?

FORD: Er… It says “Genuine People Personalities”.

ARTHUR: Sounds ghastly.

DOOR (Opening): Hummmm-ahhhhh…

MARVIN (Walking in): It is.

ARTHUR: What?

MARVIN: Ghastly. It all is. Absolutely ghastly. Just don’t even talk about it. Look at this door. “All the doors in this spacecraft have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their pleasure to open for you and their satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.”

DOOR (Shutting): Hummm-yummmm ...

MARVIN: Hateful isn’t it? Come on. I’ve been ordered to take you up to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, cos I don’t.

FORD: Excuse me, which government owns this ship?

MARVIN: You watch this door. It’s about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates… Come on.

DOOR (Opening): Hummm. Glad to be of service.

MARVIN: Thank you the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

DOOR (Closing): You’re welcome. Hummmm …

MARVIN: “Let’s build robots with Genuine People Personalities,” they said. So they tried it out with me. I’m a personality prototype, you can tell can’t you?

FORD: Hmm.

MARVIN: I hate that door. I’m not getting you down am I?

FORD: Which government owns this ship?

MARVIN: No government owns this ship. It’s been stolen.

ARTHUR and FORD: Stolen?

MARVIN (Mimicking them): Stolen?

FORD: Who by?

MARVIN: Zaphod Beeblebrox.

FORD: Zaphod Beeblebrox?!

MARVIN: Sorry did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it. Oh god, I'm so depressed. Here’s another of those self-satisfied doors.

DOOR: Hummmm-yummmm…

MARVIN: Life, don’t talk to me about life.

ARTHUR: No one even mentioned it. Ford, are you alright?

FORD: Did that robot really just say Zaphod Beeblebrox?

26.  INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

Pan down to a mouse cage containing two white mice, played by Rizzo the Rat and Pepe the King Prawn, wearing white mouse suits.

PEPE: Why do we have to play the mice?

RIZZO: Cos we're small. Besides, these're good roles. We get to do some good stuff later in the story.

PEPE: This is not cool. (Picking at his mouse suit): White is not my color, okay?

TRILLIAN: Shut up, both of you! You don't even have any lines yet!

Trillian turns to Zaphod and says:

TRILLIAN: Zaphod, I've just thought of something.

ZAPHOD: Yeah?

TRILLIAN: About those guys we picked up.

ZAPHOD: What guys?

TRILLIAN (Exasperated): The guys we picked up! We picked up those guys in sector Zed, Zed, nine, plural Zed, Alpha. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

ZAPHOD: Mmmm. ZZ nine Plural Z Alpha. ZZ nine Plural Z Alpha.

TRILLIAN: Well?

ZAPHOD: What does the Z mean?

TRILLIAN: Which one?

ZAPHOD: Any one.

TRILLIAN: ARGH! Are you intentionally being stupid just to annoy me or genuinely being stupid because you're stupid?

ZAPHOD: Why? Does it make a difference?

TRILLIAN: ARGH!! That's the same sector you originally picked me up in, stupid!

ZAPHOD (Genuinely interested): Hey, yeah, that is wild! We should have zapped straight into the middle of the Horsehead Nebula. How did we come to be there, that's nowhere, man.

TRILLIAN: Improbability Drive, remember? You explained it to me yourself. We pass through every point in the Universe, you know that.

ZAPHOD: Yeah, but picking them up there's just too strange a coincidence. I wanna work this out. Computer!

TRILLIAN (Facepalming): Oh no ...

COMPUTER (Played by Scooter, and playing it up as if he were selling soap door-to-door): Hi there!

A ticker tape spits out of the console in front of them. The ticker tape says, "Hi there!"

COMPUTER: I want you to know that whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it.

ZAPHOD: Er, look, I think I'll just use a piece of paper.

COMPUTER (Continuing to spit out a stream of ticker tape): Sure thing. I understand. If you ever need --

ZAPHOD: Shut up!

COMPUTER (In a hurt tone of voice): Okay, okaaay.

Zaphod grabs a pencil and he and Trillian try to figure out the numbers.

ZAPHOD: Trillian, the ship picked them up all by itself, right?

TRILLIAN: Right.

ZAPHOD: Can we work out from their point of view what the Improbability of their rescue was?

TRILLIAN: It's really, really high.

ZAPHOD: Yeah, they're two lucky, lucky guys

TRILLIAN: You're telling me.

ZAPHOD: But relative to what we were doing when the ship picked them up ...

ZAPHOD tries but can't figure out on paper the chances. He accidentally bangs his heads together in frustration, and says "Ow!"

ZAPHOD: I can't figure it out!

TRILLIAN (Also frustrated): Oh give that here! (She takes the paper and pencil and scribbles away furiously. She stops, and they both look at what she has done.)

One of Zaphod's heads says:

ZAPHOD: That's pretty low!

The other head replies:

ZAPHOD: Yeah, it is!

TRILLIAN: So what does that mean?

Zaphod's two heads look at each other and say:

ZAPHOD: I don't know. Computer!

COMPUTER (Very cheerfully): Why hello there (ticker tape, ticker tape). All I want to do is make your day nicer and nicer ...

ZAPHOD: Yeah, well, shut up and work something out for me.

COMPUTER: Sure thing. You want a probability forecast based on improbability data, right?

ZAPHOD and TRILLIAN: Right.

COMPUTER: Okay. Here's an interesting little notion for you to ponder while I calculate. Did you realize that most people's lives are governed by telephone numbers?

Trillian gasps, looks at the numbers being shown on the computer's display, and says:

TRILLIAN: Telephone number? Did that thing say telephone number?

COMPUTER: What I was about to say was that ...

TRILLIAN: Forget it!

ZAPHOD: Look, what's going on?

TRILLIAN: I don't know, but those hitchhikers, they're on their way up to the bridge?

ZAPHOD: Right.

TRILLIAN: Can we pick them up on any monitor cameras?

COMPUTER: Sure thing!

27.  INT. HEART OF GOLD HALLWAY

The wall facing Trillian and Zaphod lights up, showing Marvin leading Ford and Arthur up a hallway. Marvin's voice can be heard saying:

MARVIN: ... and then of course I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. I mean, I've asked for them to be replaced but no one ever listens.

ARTHUR: Oh sorry ...

FORD (To himself): Well well well, Zaphod Beeblebrox.

26 Cont.  BACK TO INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE

Trillian and Zaphod look at back and forth from the monitor to each other.

TRILLIAN (To herself): Arthur? Oh!

ZAPHOD: Hey! It's Ixxy! This is great!

TRILLIAN: Uh, excuse me. I have to ... um ... er ... bye! [Leaves.]

ZAPHOD: Right. Which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered in? (Sits.) Yeah … ok.

DOOR (Opens): Hummmm-yummm… Glad to be of service.

MARVIN: I suppose you’ll want to see the aliens now. Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?

ZAPHOD: Show them in please Marvin!

FORD and ARTHUR enter.

ZAPHOD (Rising from his seat, and being ultra-cool about it): Praxibetel Ix, you zarking hoopy! Hi. How are you? Glad you could drop in.

FORD (Not to be out-cooled): Zaphod, great to see you. You’re looking well… the extra arm suits you. Nice ship you’ve stolen.

ZAPHOD and FORD begin to do an odd little alien greeting dance around each other.

ZAPHOD: What are you doing here?

FORD: I don't know! Just stuck out the thumb and here I am.

ZAPHOD: That is so you.

FORD: And look at you! President? Last time I saw you, you were a beach bum.

ZAPHOD: Everyone needs a hobby, Ixxy.

FORD: Hey, it's Ford now.

ZAPHOD: What is?

FORD: My name. It's Ford Prefect. Picked it up on Earth. Sorta grew on me.

ZAPHOD: Okay "Ford" — you zarking frood.

They continue to dance, and they bump into Arthur.

FORD: Oh, this is Arthur. Arthur, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox. My cousin? Semi-half brother?

ZAPHOD: He shares three of the same mothers as me.

ARTHUR (Goggling at Ford): Really?

FORD (Behind one hand): Not really, it's in the script.

ARTHUR: Fozzy! (Returning to the aforementioned script.) Do you mean that you know this guy?

FORD: Sure! He's ...

ARTHUR (Sharply): We've met.

FORD: What?!

ZAPHOD: Oh, er… have we? Hey…

FORD: What do you mean you’ve met?! This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse Five, you know, not, not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon!

ARTHUR: I don’t care; we’ve met. Haven’t we Zaphod? …Or should I say Phil?

FORD: What?!

ZAPHOD: Er... y- you’ll have to remind me, I have a terrible memory for species.

ARTHUR: It was at a party.

ZAPHOD: I rather doubt it.

FORD: Cool it will you, Arthur.

ARTHUR: A party six months ago… on Earth… England…. London…

ZAPHOD: Er…

ARTHUR: Islington!

ZAPHOD: O-heh, that party…

FORD (Both rattled and a little angry): What? (To Zaphod): You don't mean to say you've been on that miserable little planet as well, do you?

ZAPHOD (Breezily): No, of course not. Well, I may have just dropped in briefly, you know, on my way somewhere ...

FORD: But I was stuck there for fifteen years!

ZAPHOD: Well, I didn't know that, did I?

FORD: But what were you doing there?

ARTHUR (Trembling with anger): He gate-crashed a fancy dress party.

FORD: Not that party?

ARTHUR: Yes! He only had the two arms and the one head and he called himself Phil, but ...

TRILLIAN: But you must admit that he did turn out to be from a different planet, Arthur.

ARTHUR (As if a ton of bricks had fallen on him): Tricia McMillan? What are you doing here?

TRILLIAN: Same as you Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in math and another in astrophysics, it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. And the name is Trillian now, I shortened it. Sounds more spacey, no?

Ford looks back and forth between Arthur and Trillian, amazed and amused.

ZAPHOD (To the camera): Oh, for goodness sakes! Let's just get the introductions over with and get on to the next scene already. (To Ford): Ford, this is Trillian. Hi. Trillian, this is Ford, my semi-half cousin. Hiii. (To Trillian): Is this thing going to happen every time we use the Infinite Improbability Drive?

TRILLIAN: Very Probably, I'm afraid.

Zaphod says 'Sheesh!', and turns to a computer niche in the wall. He pushes a button and a beverage appears.

ZAPHOD (To himself): Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink ... Hi. (One head gulps the drink down, while the other says, 'Hey, what about me?')

Here is Part Five of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie script, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to find the earlier Parts.

21. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

TRILLIAN (V.O.): Two to the power of two hundred thousand to one against and falling.

Ford and Arthur find themselves in a swirling maelstrom of weird sights and sounds that makes the psychadelics of the Poetry Appreciation chairs look tame, and tumble down onto a floor.

FORD (Gasping): There you are. I told you I'd think of something.

ARTHUR: Oh sure.

FORD: Bright idea of mine, to find a passing spaceship and get rescued by it.

ARTHUR: Oh come on, the chances against it were astronomical.

FORD: Don't knock it, it worked.

TRILLIAN (V.O.): Two to the power of one hundred thousand to one against and falling.

ARTHUR: What was that voice?

FORD: I don't know. It sounded like a measurement of probability.

ARTHUR: Probability? What do you mean?

FORD: Oh, sure, you know, like two to one, three to one, five to four against. It said two to the power of one hundred thousand against. That's pretty improbable, you know.

ARTHUR: But what does it mean?

FORD: I don't know. But I think we're on some kind of spaceship.

ARTHUR looks around at the new psychadelic mess they are in, as a bunch of chickens and penguins float by playing volleyball.

ARTHUR: I can only assume that this is not the first-class compartment.

Arthur turns to talk to Ford and does a double-take.

ARTHUR: Ford, you're turning into a sofa! Stop it!

TRILLION (V.O.): Two to the power of seventy-five thousand against and falling.

FORD: You're turning into a sofa, too, Arthur!

ARTHUR: What? Augh!!

TRILLIAN (V.O.): Please relax, you're perfectly safe.

FORD: What? Hey, who are you? Where are you? What's going on and is there any way of stopping it?

TRILLIAN (V.O.): Two to the power of fifty thousand against and falling.

A rain of throw pillows and assorted weird items falls across the two sofas that were once Arthur and Ford, and they exclaim.

FORD: Isn't there anything you feel you ought to be telling us?

Ford and Arthur return to their normal selves with an audible 'pop!' as the room they are in resolves itself into a perfectly ordinary-looking cargo bay.

TRILLION (V.O.): Welcome to the Starship Heart of Gold. Please do not be alarmed by anything you see or hear around you. You are bound to feel some ill effects as you have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level of two to the power of two hundred and seventy-six thousand to one against -- possibly much higher. We are now cruising at a level of two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway. Thank you.

FORD (Very excited): Kermit, I mean, Arthur, this is fantastic! We've been picked up by a ship powered by the Infinite Improbability Drive! This is incredible! I heard rumors about it before! They were all officially denied, but they must have done it!

ARTHUR: An Infinite Improbability Drive? What's that?

FORD: Oh here, I'll show you.

Ford grabs the Guide and says "Infinite Improbability Drive."

22. The Guide then begins to describe what the Infinite Improbability Drive is, how it was invented, and how it works.

23. INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE

Trillion hunches over a microphone attached to a clump of instruments, reading off figures.

TRILLIAN: Five to one against and falling ... four to one against and falling ... three to one ... two ... one ... probability factor of one to one ... we have normality. I repeat: we have normality.

She turns the microphone off and goes to turn away, stops, then turns it back on.

TRILLIAN (Charmingly): Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem. Please relax. You will be sent for soon.

Trillian collapses into a chair with a relieved sigh.

ZAPHOD (O.S.): Who are they, Trillian?

TRILLIAN: Just a couple of guys we picked up in open space.

We see a close up of Zaphod's face. Zaphod Beeblebrox is played by Gonzo the Great.

ZAPHOD: Yeah, well, that's a very sweet thought, Trillian, but do you really think it's wise under the circumstances? I mean, here we are on the run and everything, we must have half the police of the Galaxy after us by now, and we stop to pick up hitchhikers. Okay, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, yeah?

A monitor screen behind Zaphod is playing a news story. The camera zooms in on the monitor.

REPORTER (Played by Newsman): ... and of course, the top story is still the sensational theft of the new Improbability Drive prototype ship Heart of Gold last week, stolen at the launch ceremony by none other than Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox.

ZAPHOD (ON TV): So, in the name of the people and freedom and, I dunno, democracy and stuff, I hereby kidnap myself and - hey! - I'm taking the ship with me!

TRILLIAN: Can we put your ego aside for one moment? Something important has happened.

Zaphod looks from Trillian to the monitor and back to Trillian.

ZAPHOD: If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot now. (Laughs.)

He turns back to the monitor and turns the volume up.

REPORTER (On monitor): ... the question everyone seems to be asking is, has the Big Z finally flipped? We asked his private brain care Specialist, Gag Halfrunt ...

GAG HALFRUNT (Played by The Swedish Chef): Well, Zaphod's just this guy, you know?* (*In Swedish Chef language.)

The monitor turns off with a loud click.

ZAPHOD: Hey!

Zaphod turns to face Trillian, who is holding a remote control, and we see that he has two heads and three arms, which even for Gonzo is a little weird.

ZAPHOD: Hey! I've got two heads!

ZAPHOD'S OTHER HEAD: And three arms! This is so cool!

TRILLIAN: Oh brother!

ZAPHOD: But I only had the one head and two arms on TV! What gives?

TRILLIAN: Who knows? You're a weirdo! Get back to the script!

ZAPHOD: Oh, right! Why'd you pick up hitchhikers anyway?

TRILLIAN: I didn't pick them up. The ship did all by itself.

ZAPHOD: That's weird.

TRILLIAN: Says the weirdo with two heads and three arms.

Zaphod high fives himself twice, says "Yeah!" and laughs.

TRILLIAN: Anyways, we picked them up in sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha -- say, that's where you picked me up!

Zaphod comes over to look at the clump of instruments Trillian is looking at.

ZAPHOD: That's impossible.

TRILLIAN: No. Just very, very improbable. Look, don't worry about the hitchhikers, they're probably just a couple of guys I expect. I'll send the robot down to check them out. Hey, Marvin ...

A pile of junk in the corner begins to stir and takes the form of a smallish robot, played by 80's Robot, wearing a largish pair of triangle-shaped sunglasses.

MARVIN (In a low, hopeless and very familiar voice): I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

ZAPHOD (To Trillian): What happened to his voice?

TRILLIAN: We liked the original voice better, so we reprogrammed him.

ZAPHOD: Oh.

TRILLIAN (To Marvin, trying to be cheerful): Well, here's something to occupy you and keep your mind off things!

MARVIN: It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind.

TRILLIAN (Switching to a warning tone of voice): Marvin!

MARVIN: Oh, all right. What do you want me to do?

TRILLIAN: Go down to number two cargo bay and bring the two hitchhikers up here under surveillance.

MARVIN: Just that?

TRILLIAN: Yes.

MARVIN: I won't enjoy it.

ZAPHOD: She's not asking you to enjoy it, just do it will you?

MARVIN (In a slow drone): All right. I'll do it.

ZAPHOD: Yeah, good, great, thank you.

MARVIN: I'm not getting you down at all, am I?

TRILLIAN: No, no Marvin. That's just fine, really.

MARVIN: I wouldn't want to think that I was getting you down.

TRILLIAN: No! Don't worry about that. You just act as comes natural and everything will be fine.

MARVIN: You're sure you don't mind?

ZAPHOD: No, no, it's all just part of life.

MARVIN (Droning again): Life. Don't talk to me about life.

Marvin heads for the door.

DOOR: Hummmm-yummmm ...

TRILLIAN: I don't think I can stand that robot much longer, Zaphod.

24. The Guide describes what a robot is.

Part Five of the script for HHGTTG starring the Muppets introduces several characters. Among them are Trillian, played by Miss Piggy; Zaphod Beeblebrox, played by Gonzo the Great (a very rough test image is shown below, just to test the concept); and the Heart of Gold starship. Also, we see 80's Robot is cast to play Marvin, although in the script he uses the original voice from the radio plays. Note: in this rough draft, the character of Marvin is not utilized very much. Hopefully, if the script goes into revisions, that favorite character will get more lines.

Here is Part Four of the movie script for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to find the earlier Parts.

16. The Narrator describes Vogon poetry and why, like Vogons, it too is best avoided.

17. INT. BRIDGE, VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP

Ford and Arthur are strapped into chairs, with electrodes attached to their heads.

ARTHUR: Ford, are they going to torture us?

FORD: Yes, with poetry. Very bad poetry.

ARTHUR: What is all this stuff?

FORD: These are Poetry Appreciation chairs - imagery intensifiers, rhythmic modulators, alliterative residulators and simile dumpers - all designed to heighten the experience of the poem and make sure that not a single nuance of the poet's thought is lost.

ARTHUR: Is that a good thing?

FORD: No! Vogons suffer no illusions as to how bad their poetry is, so they use all this stuff just to make it worse!

Ford and Arthur quiver in fear. The Vogon captain turns to face them, holding a poem in his hands, and he begins to read.

VOGON CAPTAIN: Oh freddled gruntbuggly ...

Experienced from the point of view of Ford and Arthur, psychadelic imagery appears accompanied by the sounds of frying and popping electronics, and they scream in pain.

VOGON CAPTAIN: ... thy micturations are to me, as plurdled gabbleblotchits on a turgid bee.

More psychadelics, more screaming.

VOGON CAPTAIN: Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.

Still more psychadelics, more screaming.

VOGON CAPTAIN: And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!

Yet more psychadelics, and yet more screaming. Gasping and exhausted, Ford and Arthur finally stop screaming as the imagery and etc. stops.

VOGON CAPTAIN: Now, Earthlings, I present you with a simple choice: Either die in the vacuum of space, or [Dramatic Pause] tell me how good you thought my poem was.

Ford gasps and moans.

ARTHUR: Actually I quite liked it.

Ford looks at Arthur as if he were a crazy frog.

VOGON CAPTAIN (Confused at this turn of events): Oh, yes? ...

ARTHUR: I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective.

FORD: Arthur, what are you doing?

Arthur frantically gestures with his head to Ford to just go with it.

FORD: Oh. Oh, right!

VOGON CAPTAIN: Yes, do continue.

ARTHUR: Oh, and, er, interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to counterpoint the ... er ... er ... (Floundering)

FORD (Leaping in): ... counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the ... er ... (Also floundering)

ARTHUR: ... humanity of the ...

FORD: Vogonity!

ARTHUR: Oh yes, Vogonity - sorry - of the poet's compassionate soul, which contrives through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other [Getting excited at his own creativity] and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into ... into ... er ... (Floundering again - so much for creativity)

FORD: ... into whatever it was the poem was about! (To Arthur:) Well done, Arthur, that was very good!

VOGON CAPTAIN: So what you’re saying is that I write poetry because underneath my mean, callous, heartless exterior, I really just want to be loved. Is that right?

FORD: Er, well... I mean yes, yes, don’t we all, deep down… you know..?

VOGON CAPTAIN: No, well, you’re completely wrong. I just write poetry to throw my mean, callous, heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway! Guard! Take the prisoners to number three airlock and throw them out.

VOGON GUARD (Played by Vogon Guard, reprising his role from the Touchstone Pictures film): Okay Captain.

FORD: You can’t throw us off into deep space, we’re trying to write a book!

VOGON GUARD: Resistance is useless!

ARTHUR: I don’t want to die now, I’ve still got a headache. I don’t want to go to heaven with a headache, I’ll be all cross and wouldn’t enjoy it.

VOGON GUARD: Come on.

The Vogon guard grabs Arthur and Ford around the necks, and drags them out into the hallway. As the door closes, the Vogon captain mutters to himself:

VOGON CAPTAIN: "... counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor ..." Hmph. Death's too good for them.

18. INT. HALLWAY, VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP

The Vogon guard drags Arthur and Ford down the hallway.

VOGON GUARD (Shouting): Resistance is useless!

ARTHUR: Let go of me you brute!

FORD: Don't worry. I'll think of something.

VOGON GUARD: Resistance is useless!

FORD (To VOGON GUARD): Don't say things like that! How can anyone maintain a positive mental attitude when you're saying things like that?

ARTHUR: Ford, you're talking about a positive attitude and you haven't even had your planet demolished today!

FORD: All right, just stop panicking!

ARTHUR: I'm not panicking! This is just the culture shock. You wait till I've settled down into the situation and found my bearings. Then I'll start panicking!

VOGON GUARD: Resistance is useless!

FORD: Oh, give it a rest! I mean, do you really enjoy this sort of thing?

VOGON GUARD: Resistance is……what d’ ya mean?

FORD: I mean does it give you a full satisfying life? Stomping around, shouting, throwing people out of spaceships?

VOGON GUARD (Confused): The hours are good.

FORD: They’d have to be.

VOGON GUARD: But now that you’ve come to mention it, I suppose much of the actual minutes are pretty lousy. Er, er. Except some of the shouting I quite like. Resistance is use-

FORD: Yeah, sure, yes... You’re good at that I can tell… but if it’s mostly lousy, then why do you do it? What is it? The girls? The leather? The machismo?

VOGON GUARD: I-I-I dunno … I-I-I ... I think I, just sort of, do it really.

FORD: There Arthur, you think you’ve got problems.

ARTHUR: Yes, this guy’s still half throttling me!

FORD: Yeah!, but try an’ understand his problem.

VOGON GUARD: Right, so, what’s the alternative?

FORD: Well, stop doing it, of course.

VOGON GUARD: Hmmm…. Hmm…. Er... well... doesn’t sound that great to me.

FORD: Well, wait a minute, that’s just the start! There’s more to it than that, you see?

VOGON GUARD: Er… no. I, I think that if it’s all the same to you, I better just get you both shoved into this airlock and then go and get on with some other bits of shoutin’ I’ve got to do. Thanks for takin’ an interest. Bye now.

ARTHUR: Stop! Don’t do it!

FORD: No, listen, listen! There’s a, there’s a whole world you don’t know anything about. I mean here… how about this? [Singing the melody to 'Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony'] Da da da dum! I mean, doesn’t that stir anything in you?

Airlock opens, Arthur and Ford are shoved in, and the airlock closes as the guard says:

VOGON GUARD: I’ll mention what you said to my aunt.

19. INT. AIRLOCK, VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP

FORD: Potentially bright lad, I thought.

ARTHUR: We’re trapped now, aren’t we?

FORD: Er… Yes, we’re trapped.

ARTHUR: Well didn’t you think of anything?

FORD: Oh Yes.

ARTHUR: Yes?

FORD: But, unfortunately, it rather involved being on the other side of the airtight hatchway they’ve just sealed behind us.

ARTHUR: So, what happens next?

FORD: The hatchway in front of us will open automatically in a moment and we’ll shoot out into deep space and asphyxiate in about … thirty seconds.

ARTHUR: So this is it?!? We’re going to die!

FORD: Yes…. except.. No! Wait a minute! What’s this switch?

ARTHUR: What?! Where?

FORD (Reaching for switch): No, it's nothing. We are going to die.

ARTHUR: You know, it’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock, with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young!

FORD: Why, what did she tell you?

ARTHUR: I don’t know, I didn’t listen!

Airlock door opens and Ford and Arthur are shot out into the vacuum of space.

20. EXT. SPACE -- CONTINUOUS

Ford and Arthur spin away from the ship, holding their breath. The Guide slips out of Arthur's pocket.

NARRATOR: 'The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ is truly a remarkable book. "Space..." says the introduction, "...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the market, but that's just peanuts compared to space..." and so on.

The weightless Guide twirls away. Arthur reaches for it. The words "Don't Panic" light up.

NARRATOR: It also says that if you hold a lung full of air you can survive in the total vacuum of space for about thirty seconds -- but with space being really big and all, the chances of being picked up within that time are 2 to the power of 2,076,775,949 to 1 against ...

Something else falls out of his pocket -- his digital phone showing the photo of Tricia at the fancy dress party.

NARRATOR: ...which, by a staggering coincidence, is also the telephone number of the Islington flat where Arthur once went to a fancy dress party and met a very nice girl whom he totally failed to connect with.

Arthur reaches for the phone, it's just beyond his fingertips. He frets as the phone tumbles away.

Then -- WOOMPH -- space seems to stretch and bend. A tiny hole appears, then opens wide. Paper hats and party balloons fall out, then drift away. The hole flips inside out. Arthur and Ford are enveloped, then replaced by a stunning, sleek starship, the HEART OF GOLD.

The only character introduced in Part Four is the Vogon Guard.

Here is Part Three of the movie script of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to find the earlier Parts.

9. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE OF THE PUB -- MIDDAY

Arthur is running up the road towards his demolished house, Ford following behind.

FORD: Stop it! Stop tearing my house down!

A loud, unearthly sound accompanies the appearance of GIGANTIC YELLOW SPACESHIPS sweeping overhead. People run in panic, except for Arthur, who stops still and stares with disbelief at the vision. Ford runs up and rummages a towel out of the ruins of Arthur's house, then he runs up to Arthur's side.

ARTHUR (pointing up): WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!

FORD: Ships from a Vogon Constructor Fleet. I picked up their signal this morning.

Ford shows Arthur his blinking Sens-O-Matic device. He presses the towel around Arthur's shoulders, saying:

FORD: Here. You'll need this.

ARTHUR: I'll need a towel?

FORD: Only always! Why, a towel is the most useful thing you can have in the whole galaxy! You can use it to keep warm; you can use it to lie on on the beach; you can wet it and use it in hand-to-hand combat. Oh, and people will see you and assume that if you are smart enough to have your towel with you, they should lend you just about anything else you need, cos they'll think you're such a hoopy frood!

ARTHUR: A what?

FORD: A towel! You need one! And maybe one of these, too.

Ford shows Arthur a blinking gadget with one hand and wraps his other arm around Arthur, as they vanish upward into a stream of twinkling light.

10. EXT. SURFACE OF THE PLANET EARTH, VARIOUS VIEWS

People in the street are shown reacting to the voice of the aliens, broadcasting all around them.

PROSTETNIC VOGON JELTZ V.O. (Played by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, reprising his role from the Touchstone Pictures film): This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.

MANKIND: (Yells of protest)

JELTZ V.O.: There’s no point in acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display at your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaints and its far too late to start making a fuss about it now.

MANKIND: (Louder yells of protest)

JELTZ V.O.: What do you mean you’ve never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh for heaven sake mankind it’s only four light years away you know! I’m sorry but if you can’t be bothered to take an interest in local affairs that’s your own regard. God, I don’t know…

11. INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE -- CONTINUOUS

JELTZ turns. He's large, green and walrusy.

JELTZ: Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all. Energize the demolition beams.

One of his walrusy OFFICERS pushes a yellow button.

12. EXT. SPACE

The Earth is destroyed in a huge explosion.

13. A distant RED GLOW appears. As it gets nearer we see that it says..."THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY."

NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book...

The title draws nearer. We see that it sits on an electronic book with lots of buttons.

NARRATOR: ... Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor.

The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations...

NARRATOR: More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE OMNIBUS, better selling than 53 MORE THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, WHERE GOD WENT WRONG, SOME MORE OF GOD'S GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD PERSON, ANYWAY?

Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as the book "presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial.

NARRATOR: In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom. For though it has many omissions, and contains much which is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper. And second, it has the words "DON'T PANIC" printed in large friendly letters on its cover.

The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just below the title, blinking like a tacky diner marquee. PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the blinking light illuminating his very disoriented face.

14. INT. HOLD OF VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP -- DARK

Arthur, in total shock, holds up the guide.

ARTHUR: So you're not from Jersey after all, and you're not an out-of-work actor, but rather a writer for this ... this ... book thing.

FORD: I bought some peanuts. Here, eat some. If you've never been through a matter transference beam before, you've probably lost some salt and protein.

ARTHUR: What?

FORD: How are you feeling?

ARTHUR: Like a military academy - bits of me keep passing out. If I asked you where we were, would I regret it?

FORD: We're safe.

ARTHUR: Oh good ...

FORD: We're in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships that just destroyed the Earth.

ARTHUR: Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.

FORD (Looking for the light): I'll look for the light.

ARTHUR: Ford, how did we get here?

FORD: We hitched a lift.

ARTHUR: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me that we just stuck out our thumbs and some bug-eyed monster stuck his head out and said, "Hi fellows, hop right in, I can take you as far as the Basinstoke roundabout"?

FORD: Well, the thumb's an electronic sub-ether device, the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, about six light years away, but otherwise that's more or less right.

ARTHUR: And the bug-eyed monster?

FORD: Is green, yes.

ARTHUR (Fed up with what sounds like a lot of nonsense): Fine. When can I go home?

FORD: You can't. Ah! I think I've found the light.

15. INT.  BRIDGE, VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP

The Vogon Captain looks at a bank of screens, and is drawn to  one where a light has just been turned on. He sees Ford and Arthur, and his walrusy eyes narrow. He can just hear Arthur's voice saying, "Good grief! Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? It's a bit squalid, isn't it?"

14 Cont. FORD AND ARTHUR IN THE INT. HOLD OF THE SHIP

FORD (Looking at their grubby surroundings): Well, this is a working ship, you see. These are the Dentrassis' sleeping quarters.

ARTHUR: I thought you said they were called Vogons.

FORD: Yes, the Vogons run the ship, the Dentrassis are the cooks; they let us on board.

ARTHUR: But what's a Vogon?

FORD: Ask the Guide. Say "Vogons."

ARTHUR (Holding up the guide): Vogons.

The Guide explains what Vogons are, and why they are best avoided if at all possible.

ARTHUR: What a strange book. How did we get a lift then?

FORD: Well, that's the point, it's out of date now. I'm doing the field research for the new revised edition of the Guide, and one of the things I'll have to do is to include a bit about how the Vogons now employ Dentrassi cooks, which gives us a rather useful little loophole.

ARTHUR: Who are the Dentrassi?

FORD: The best cooks in the galaxy! They'll always help out hitchhikers, partly because they like the company, but mostly because it annoys the Vogons. Which is exactly the sort of thing you need to know if you're an impoverished hitchhiker trying to see the marvels of the galaxy for less than thirty Altairian dollars a day.

ARTHUR (Boggled): Ford, what am I doing here?

FORD: Well, I rescued you from the Earth, didn't I?

ARTHUR: And what has happened to the Earth?

FORD: It's been disintegrated.

ARTHUR: Has it?

FORD: Yes, just boiled away into space.

ARTHUR: Look, I'm a bit upset about that.

FORD: Yes, I can understand that.

ARTHUR (Shouting): Understand that! Understand that!

FORD: Look at the book!

ARTHUR: What?

FORD: Don't Panic.

ARTHUR: I'm not panicking!

FORD: Yes you are.

ARTHUR: All right, so I'm panicking. What am I supposed to do now?

FORD: You come along with me and have a good time. The Galaxy's a fun place. You'll need to have this fish in your ear.

Ford takes a yellow fish from his bag and, showing it to Arthur, tries to stuff it in his ear. They struggle, Arthur trying to stop Ford from sticking a fish in his ear and Ford saying, "Where exactly IS a frog's ear?" Then a violent noise leaps at them.

ARTHUR: What the devil's that?

FORD: Listen, it might be important. It's the Vogon Captain making an announcement.

ARTHUR: But I can't speak Vogon!

FORD (Slapping the fish into Arthur's ear): You don't need to - just put this fish in your ear.

ARTHUR (Thrashing around and waving the Guide): What the!?!

FORD: It's a Babel Fish!

At the sound of Ford's voice saying Babel Fish, the Guide begins to describe what a Babel Fish is. Following this short description, Arthur finds that he can in fact begin to understand the alien gibberish.

VOGON CAPTAIN: ... should have a good time. Message repeat. This is your Captain speaking so [Shouts] stop whatever you’re doing and pay attention! First of all, I see from our instruments that we have a couple of hitch-hiker’s aboard our ship. Hello wherever you are! I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome! I worked hard to get where I am today, and I didn’t become captain of a Vogon Constructor ship simply so that I could turn it into a taxi service for degenerate freeloaders! I have sent out a search party. As soon as they find you I will put you off the ship - if you’re very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace for the journey to Barnard Star. On arrival we will stay in dock for a seventy-two hour refit and no one’s to leave the ship during that time! I repeat, all planet leave is cancelled! I’ve just had an unhappy love affair. So I don’t see why anyone else should have a good time. Message Ends.

ARTHUR (Looking shaken): Ford?

FORD: Yeah?

ARTHUR: If you're a researcher for this book thing and you were on Earth, you must have been gathering material on it.

FORD: Well, I was able to extend the original entry a bit, yes.

ARTHUR: Why? What did it originally say?

FORD: Just ask the Guide.

Arthur holds up the Guide and says, "Earth." Arthur stared at it for a moment and then exclaimed.

ARTHUR: What? Harmless! Is that all it's got to say? Harmless! One word!

FORD: Well, there are a hundred billion stars in the Galaxy, and only a limited amount of space in the book, and no one knew much about the Earth, you know.

ARTHUR: Well, I hope you managed to rectify that a bit.

FORD: Oh yes, well, I managed to transmit a new entry off to the editor. He had to trim it a bit, but it's still an improvement.

ARTHUR: And what does it say now?

FORD: Mostly harmless.

ARTHUR (Shouting): Mostly harmless!

A sound of marching footsteps comes from O.S.

FORD: What was that noise?

ARTHUR: It was me shouting.

FORD: No! Listen! I think we're in trouble.

ARTHUR: The Dentrassis?

FORD: No, those are steel-tipped boots.

ARTHUR: Then who is it?

FORD: Well, if we're lucky it's just the Vogons come to throw us into space.

ARTHUR (Shaken): And if we're unlucky?

FORD: If we're unlucky, the captain might be serious in his threat to read us some of his poetry first.

Here we see Fozzy Bear playing Ford Prefect, showing us the Babel Fish, which is

introduced in Part Three of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets.

Also, here is another character that all fans of the HHGTTG will remember (Haha):

Here is Part Two of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie script, starring the Muppets! Please scroll down to find the earlier Parts.

6. INT. VILLAGE PUB -- MIDDAY

Ford and Arthur enter. Ford approaches the bar, behind which we see the barman, played by Pops.

FORD: Six root beers. And quickly. The world's about to end.

BARMAN: Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

The Barman puts a mug each in front of Ford and Arthur, and starts to open root beers.

ARTHUR: What just happened, Ford?

FORD: Oh, nothing, it's just that the world's about to end.

Ford throws a handful of bills on the table for the Barman

FORD: Keep the change.

BARMAN (Pleasantly suprised): Thanks!

FORD: You've got ten minutes left to spend it.

The Barman leaves, looking confused.

FORD: Drink up, you've got three root beers to get through.

ARTHUR: At lunchtime?

FORD: Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.

ARTHUR: Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.

FORD: Drink up. If you get enough fizzies up your nose you won't feel what happens next. (Grabbing bags of peanuts.) And eat these peanuts. You'll need the salt and protein.

Arthur stares into his root beer.

ARTHUR: Did I do anything wrong today, or has the whole world always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to notice?

FORD: All right, I'll try to explain. How long have we known each other?

ARTHUR: About five years, maybe six. Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time.

FORD: Right. So, how would you react if I said that I'm not from Jersey after all but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?

Arthur shrugs in a so-so sort of way and takes a pull from his root beer.

ARTHUR: I don't know. Why, do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?

FORD: Do you remember when we met?

7. QUICK CUT TO A STREET -- MIDDAY

Ford is standing in the middle of the road, trying to greet an oncoming car that looks as if it might run him down.

Arthur, passing by, drops everything to rush out into the street, tackle Ford, and save him from being clobbered by the car.

6 Cont. BACK TO FORD AND ARTHUR IN THE PUB

FORD: Didn't you find it a little strange that I was trying to shake hands with a car?

ARTHUR: I assumed you'd had too many root beers.

FORD (Shaking his head): I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was trying to introduce myself.

ARTHUR: Is that why you're named after an old British car?

FORD (Nodding): Yes. You saved my life that day. Now I'm saving yours.

Arthur stares at him, then turns back to his drink.

ARTHUR: This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

FORD: Look, if it's about your house ...

ARTHUR: No, it's not that. Look ...

Arthur takes out his cellphone and shows Ford the picture of the girl that was in the frame in his house.

ARTHUR: I found her. The perfect girl. I found her at a fancy dress party, but I let her get away.

FORD: This isn't a long story, is it? We've only got six minutes.

Arthur shakes his head. Ford checks his watch.

ARTHUR: I met her at a party in Islington. I told you about it, remember?

8. INT. ISLINGTON FLAT -- NIGHT

Crowded flat. Costume party. Loud music BLARING.

ARTHUR: I can't bear those sort of parties. Don't know why I was there. But there I was -- and then, there she was ...

Arthur, dressed in safari attire, is alone and looking miserable, when a voice from O.S. says

TRICIA: Oh, and who are vou? (Giggles)

Arthur looks up and is dazzled by TRICIA MCMILLAN, played by Miss Piggy, dressed in a mid-19th century men's suit, complete with large mutton chop sideburns, and holding a beagle.

ARTHUR: I'm Arthur. Arthur Dent.

TRICIA: No, I mean who are you.

ARTHUR: Oh, the costume. Right. Er, um ... (sheepishly tipping his hat) Livingston, I presume. (Pointing to her attire.) Granted. Not as clever as Darwin, but the best I could do on short notice.

TRICIA: You're the first person who's got it right. Everyone keeps calling me Sherlock.

ARTHUR: Really? I thought the beagle made it rather obvious.

Arthur tries to pet the dog, but it snaps at him. Tricia laughs and says:

TRICIA: Let's go somewhere.

ARTHUR: Yeah. It is a bit noisy. There's a lovely little cafe around the corner ...

TRICIA: Let's go to Madagascar.

ARTHUR: What?

TRICIA: Madagascar! Africa! Adventure! Let's go have some fun!

6 Cont. BACK TO FORD AND ARTHUR IN THE PUB

FORD: Madagascar. Really?

ARTHUR: Yeah, well, I never found out, did I? The next thing that I know, some weird guy comes from out of nowhere and says, 'Hey, doll, is this guy boring you? Why don't you come with me, I'm from another planet. Do you want to see my spaceship?'

FORD: Yeah, well, that does happen.

ARTHUR: I got one picture of her and then I never saw her again. It's like she vanished off the face of the Earth.

FORD: Speaking of which ... (Pulls a blinking device from his satchel.) We've got two minutes. Drink up!

There's a ROAR OF ENGINES and a LOUD CRASH outside. Everyone looks outside.

ARTHUR: What's that?!

FORD PREFECT: Don’t worry they haven’t started yet.

ARTHUR DENT: Oh good!

FORD PREFECT: It’s probably just your house being knocked down.

ARTHUR DENT: What?!

FORD PREFECT: Let ‘em have their fun.

ARTHUR DENT: Darn you and your fairy stories, they’re smashing up my home!

Arthur runs out. Looking after him, Ford tosses the Barman a lot of money and grabs two handfuls of peanuts.

FORD: A round for everyone, on me.

BARMAN: You really think the world's going to end? (Ford nods.) Shouldn't we lie down or put a bag over our heads or something? That's what they told us to do in the Army.

FORD: If you want.

BARMAN: Will it help?

FORD: Not really. (Waving to the bar, Ford says goodbye and leaves.)

After a pause, the Barman clears his throat

BARMAN: Oh, well. Last orders, please.

Here are images that go with Part Two of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie script, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to find the earlier parts. One character is introduced in the next section, played by Pops. The other character doesn't appear yet, but is represented in a photo. This character is played by Miss Piggy.

Here is Part One of the movie-style script of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets! Enjoy!

HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

Screenplay by Douglas Adams

Based on the book "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

And partly based on the original BBC radio scripts, and also the motion picture screenplay revised by Karey Kirkpatrick 8/8/03

Butchered by Chris Carroll

1. Rowlf the Dog comes into view carrying a script. He sits at a desk facing a radio microphone, puts on a set of wired headphones, and begins to read, playing the part of the Narrator, who is also the voice of The Book.

NARRATOR: It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet ...

Rowlf takes a long look into the camera before continuing.

NARRATOR: ... Instead of the third most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, dolphins, who curiously enough had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so they eventually decided they would leave Earth by their own means.

Rowlf looks up from his script and says to the camera, "Smart move!"

Behind Rowlf, Fozzy the Bear and Beauregard carry cardboard cutouts of dolphins from stage right to stage left. They stop behind Rowlf and Fozzy asks him, "Uh, sorry Rowlf, but do you know where these are supposed to go?"

Off-screen, the voice of Kermit the Frog says, "Fozzie! Not now!"

Fozzy and Beau both jump, and Fozzy says, "Oh, sorry Kermit! But, what do we do with the dolphins?"

KERMIT (yelling): Get out of the shot!!

Fozzy says sorry again, and he and Beau take the cardboard cutouts away, stage left. Rowlf watches them leave, shaking his head while Kermit makes 'sheesh'-ing noises offstage, then he returns to the script.

NARRATOR: The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but in fact the message was this ... "So long and thanks for all the fish."

TITLES ROLL

Muppet and cardboard cutout dolphins perform a partly animated Buzby Berkley-style song and dance routine to the song, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH," performed by Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

END TITLES

As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then ...

VOICE ON RADIO: ... as well as aquariums around the world reporting their dolphins have mysteriously disappeared overnight.

2. INT. ARTHUR DENT'S BEDROOM -- MORNING

CLOSE ON the clock radio from which the voice emanates. A familiar green hand shuts it off. ARTHUR DENT is awake. He looks a lot like Kermit the Frog. In fact, he is being portrayed by Kermit the Frog. He gets out of bed, into his slippers and robe, and goes to the bathroom

3. IN THE BATHROOM -- Arthur gargles in front of the mirror. He bends over to spit, revealing a YELLOW BULLDOZER through the window crawling toward his house. A TEA KETTLE WHISTLES O.S.

4. INT. ARTHUR DENT'S KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS

Arthur sets a newspaper (with the headline "DOLPHINS VANISH") on the table, removes the kettle. Doesn't notice through the window 3 MORE LARGE YELLOW BULLDOZERS.

There is a picture in a frame behind Arthur. It is of himself and a pretty pig (Tricia). There is a LOUD RUMBLING O.S. The picture falls, Arthur turns and picks it up. As he rises, he sees the bulldozers out the window. Arthur throws his arms up into the air and screams.

5. EXT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE -- MORNING

Arthur, still in his pajamas and robe, lies in the mud in front of a bulldozer, blocking it from destroying his house.

MR. PROSSER, a bureaucrat played by Clifford, stands over him.

PROSSER: Come off it, man. You can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever.

ARTHUR: I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.

PROSSER: Look, man, this bypass has got to be built and it's going to be built. You should have made your protest, like, months ago.

ARTHUR: Really? The first I heard of it was when a workman came yesterday. I asked if he'd come to clean the windows, and he said he'd come to demolish the house. He didn't tell me right away of course. First he wiped a couple of windows and charged me ten quid. Then he told me.

Clifford looks confused and asks, "Kermit, what in the world is a quid?"

"Uh, I don't know, Clifford. I think it's money or something. What's your next line?"

Recovering, Clifford continues:

PROSSER: Oh, well, the plans, you know, were like, on display at the planning office, man. That's where they keep plans, isn't it?

ARTHUR: On display? I had to go down to the cellar!

PROSSER: That's the display department.

ARTHUR: With a flashlight.

PROSSER: Oh, well, the lights had probably gone.

ARTHUR: So had the stairs!

PROSSER: Well, you found the plans, didn't you?

ARTHUR: They were in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a broken rest room with a sign on the door saying 'beware of the leopard'!

PROSSER: A leopard? Was there a leopard?

ARTHUR: Yes! He was the janitor.

PROSSER (Nonplussed): Oh, that's Arnold. He's harmless.

ARTHUR (Waving his arms in the air and yelling): He tried to eat me!

PROSSER: Yeah, well, they don't let Arnold out much. That's why they put up signs, y'know? (Becoming a little frustrated.) Look, Mr. Dent, man, do you have any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll right over you?

ARTHUR (Shocked): What? No, how much?

PROSSER (Looking pleased with himself): None at all.

Arthur responds with cry and a horrified expression, turns to the camera and says, "Sheesh, this is turning into a PG-13 movie, isn't it?" O.S. another voice says:

FORD: Hello, Arthur!

Arthur and Prosser turn towards Fozzy Bear, playing Ford Prefect.

ARTHUR: Thank goodness! Get me out of this scene, quick, before I get turned into Frog Tartare!

FORD: Right! Say, Arthur, can we talk? We need to talk. And eat. We need to talk and eat. I need a root beer. Have a root beer with me.

ARTHUR: What?! Wait, now's not the best time, Ford. They're going to demolish my house.

FORD: Whoa. You already know? (Looks into the sky with alarm.) How?

ARTHUR: Bulldozers, Ford

FORD (Looking confused): What?

ARTHUR and PROSSER (Motioning towards bulldozers): Bulldozers!

FORD (Noticing the bulldozers): Oh, right! Well, never mind all that, I've got to tell you something important. And you need a drink and something to eat, so ...

ARTHUR: Never mind? What about my house?

Prosser looks back and forth from Arthur to Ford, confused with why he is surrounded by crazy people.

PROSSER (To Ford): C'mon, man, don't mess this scene up. It's, like, the only one I have!

FORD (To Arthur): He wants to knock your house down?

ARTHUR: Yes.

FORD: (To Prosser): And you can't because he's lying in front of your bulldozer?

PROSSER: Yes.

FORD: No problem! (To Prosser) Look, can we maybe assume that Arthur here is going to be lying in front of your bulldozers all day?

PROSSER: Do we have to?

FORD: Yes! And all your men are going to be standing around all day doing nothing, right?

PROSSER: I don't like where this is going ...

FORD (very convincingly): Riiight?

PROSSER (unhappily): Right ...

FORD: Well, if you're resigned to doing that anyway, you don't  exactly need him to lie here all the time do you?

PROSSER: What?

FORD: You don't actually need him here.

PROSSER: Well, no, not as such ... not exactly need ...

FORD: So if you would just like to take it as read that he's actually here, then he and I can slip off down to the pub for half an hour, right?

PROSSER: What??

FORD: And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, we can always cover for you in return.

PROSSER (no longer able to keep up): Oh! Thanks! Thank you very much, that's very kind, I think ...

FORD: So, if you would just like to come over here and lie down ...

PROSSER (completely lost now): What???

FORD: It's very simple. My client, Mr. Dent here, says that he will stop lying in the mud on the sole condition that you come over and take over from him.

ARTHUR: What are you talking about?

Ford shushes Arthur while Prosser tries but fails to make sense of things.

PROSSER: You want me to come and lie there ...

FORD: Yes.

PROSSER: In front of the bulldozer ...

FORD: Yes.

PROSSER: Instead of Mr. Dent ...

FORD: Yes.

PROSSER: In the mud.

FORD: In, as you say, the mud.

Prosser looks back and forth between Ford and Arthur, but finds no comfort with either of them.

PROSSER: Aw, man, this is a brand new suit!

FORD (to Arthur): Come on, get up and let the man lie down.

Arthur stands. Both he and Prosser look dazed as they trade places.

FORD (to Arthur): Come on, we'll go down to the pub and buy some root beers.

ARTHUR: But can we trust him not to knock my house down?

FORD: Oh, sure! I'd trust him to the end of the Earth!

ARTHUR (Sarcastically): Oh? And how far's that?

FORD (Looking at his watch): About twelve minutes away. Come on, let's have some root beers.

Introduction: Here is the first part of the movie-style script for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, as played by the Muppet Players. Assorted pictures are added to help set the scene or to introduce characters. For example, here are a few pictures of the first characters we will meet, and of the players playing them. Look to the next post to start reading the script.

Boy, it's been a long time since I used this blog. Way, way too long. To jump-start the re-use of this blog, I'm going to share a little funny thing I've been playing with: Over the next several or more posts, I'm going to share a movie-style screenplay of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, as played by the Muppets! Now, this is only a first rough draft, so keep in mind that there may be plenty of mistakes or missteps, plus the requirements of scripts may leave what seem like descriptive gaps in the storytelling, but that is just a vicissitude of the format.

Hopefully, this will appeal to HHGTTG fans, who can fill in any gaps from memory or the original texts, and also fans of the Muppets, too.

Please feel free to make any comments or suggestions that you feel are appropriate.

Thanks for your time and your interest! Enjoy!

Will the US actually fight ISIS/ISIL/Islamic State?
An annoyed, sleep-deprived commentary on today's news.

Part 1) Introduction

Today is Wednesday, September 17, 2014.

When I woke up today and turned on Facebook, three news stories reached out and pushed my buttons regarding national defense and terrorism, and I couldn't help but repost them and rant about them a little.

Before I knew it, I was ranting about them a lot.

When I looked at the length of my final rant, I realized that there was no way that I could post that comment to Facebook, so I have turned here to my blog to do so.

If any of you have come here from Facebook, thank you very, very much! Please let me know who you are and what you think by leaving a comment below!

However, there may need to be a bit of an explanation to arrange the setting for this rant.

1) The rapid takeover of large parts of Syria and Iraq by a terrorist group called the Islamic State In Syria (ISIS)/the Islamic State In the Levant (ISIL)/or just the Islamic State, has gone on over the summer of 2014 with little resistance. They have brutally murdered whole towns full of people, including beheading Westerners and posting videos of those actions on YouTube, and The West has barely responded up to August of that same year.

Here is a copy of a very useful map that I believe came from a CBS News story posted to Facebook regarding the latest political moves from the group in September 2014:

2) There was some talk of the United Nations or the United States building a coalition to oppose the Islamic State, but so far nothing had come of it from The West as late as September of 2014.

3) The ISIL terrorists even threatened to kill the Pope when he stops in the Middle East on a planned visit later in September or October. This follows warnings from the Saudi government that ISIL could mount terrorist attacks in both the U.S. and the U.K. homelands within months if nothing is done soon. Heated words issued from both Western governments, but not much else. Then it was announced that U.S. naval air forces would target ISIL military units facing Kurdish troops and Iraqi army units in combat, and the first strikes began in September of 2014.

4) In September of 2014, U.S. President Obama made a series of speeches that included such gaffs as his saying that there is no plan to address the issue of the rise of the Islamic State terrorists; that there was a plan, but that they were discussing it with their allies and nations in the region and not ready to share it with the American people; and a Presidential address to the nation saying that there is a plan, but not saying what it is, and giving no specifics on it.

5) Amidst all of that I wake up cranky from a bad night's not-enough-rest, and this is the first thing that I see (followed by the link for the news story, and my comments on them):

Obama Stands Firm: U.S. Will Not Fight Another Ground War in Iraq
NBC News, September 17, 2014
http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/isis-terror/obama-stands-firm-u-s-will-not-fight-another-ground-n205321

'Here we go again. Let's fight a war by not fighting. Yeah, that'll work ....'

I followed that comment up with this one:

[Quoting from the video in that link] 'Obama: "We're going to degrade and ultimately destroy ISIL through a comprehensive and sustained counter-terrorism strategy." By being an air force for the Iraqi army, which has proven in the past that it will throw down its weapons, take off its uniforms, and run away instead of fight if given the chance. So we're going to do what American politicians do best, and talk them to death? Sheesh ....'

Joint Chiefs chairman won't rule out U.S. ground troops to fight Islamic State
BY CHARLES HOSKINSON | SEPTEMBER 16, 2014 | 1:36 PM
The Washington Examiner
http://washingtonexaminer.com/joint-chiefs-chairman-wont-rule-out-u.s.-ground-troops-to-fight-islamic-state/article/2553450

'Uh, huh ...'

Odierno Warns Airstrikes Aren't 'End-All Solution' in ISIS Battle
NBC News
http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/isis-terror/odierno-warns-airstrikes-arent-end-all-solution-isis-battle-n205251

' ... right ... '

That was where I lost all control and went on a very long rant. Since I went to so much trouble to write it, I will now share it with you. Please comment below and tell me what you think!

--

Part 2) Rant ... er, Commentary

Okay, so I have a question:

History shows us that the only way that a war ends is when one side makes it so that the other side is either unwilling or unable to continue the fight. 

In the First Gulf War this basic principle of war did not happen to Iraq, and that ultimately led to the Second Gulf War. Now, it seems as if that did not happen against al-Qaeda in either Afghanistan or Iraq, either.

Therefore, the survival of al-Queda and the creation of its daughter organizations, such as ISIS/ISIL/Islamic State in Syria and Iraq and Boko Haram in Nigeria, are the result.

BTW, both of those organizations have now declared Islamic States in their parts of the world, and are egging The West to go to war with them. I have yet to hear anybody say exactly what the terrorist groups would get out of such a war, so I have to guess.

I assume that they believe that if they start a war with The West and somehow survive intact and win even a political stalemate, that they therefore will be free to form legitimate states on their own terms with no outside interference from anyone else. North Korea did it following the still unresolved 1950-1953 Korean War (have you watched M*A*S*H on the TV reruns lately?), so it is certainly not unprecedented.

From there, the next step is to eventually become a regional power like China or Iran, and have a global impact upon the direction in which all of human civilization will be headed. The goal being to move world opinion and behaviors either toward or away from the ideals of Western Civilization.

Think that can't happen? Look up the peoples known in American History books as the Pirates of Tripoly, or look up The Barbary Wars (in the late 18th and early 19th centuries). Remember the Marines' Hymn? 'To the shores of Tripoli.' Or if that is too serious for you, look up the book and the film 'The Mouse That Roared' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mouse_That_Roared). Same idea.

Now, I that know some might say, 'Well, airstrikes worked against Milosovic and his gang in Yugoslavia when President Clinton did it! His opponents said airstrikes alone wouldn't work, but they did!"

No, they didn't work alone. The United Nations had to put boots on the ground to make it happen, and the American air strikes were simply a part of the international coalition's efforts that supported that action. Yet it still took quite a long time to effect a change on the ground.

There were ugly genocides while the international community talked and talked and did not act. Where is the moral responsibility to all of the dead who would be alive today, and their families and communities who suffered in those genocides? What if The West had done what it had said that it was going to do, instead of talking and talking until they were forced to act even if the nations and the peoples of The West didn't want to really do anything in the first place, because of the seemingly unending and certainly undeserving deaths of all of those people. Even today the political ramifications of that war are not resolved, and that all began back in 1990!

Exactly where is the moral responsibility to lead the world into a peaceful and prosperous new era in that equation? What does that say about the moral authority (or to use the PC terms, 'credibility' or 'capital') of the 'Leaders of the Free World'? Whoever they are, now ..

So my question is this: Forget all the political talk, talk, talk. Are we fighting a war, or aren't we? Are we going to fight another war of words while waiting for someone else to take action, or merely hoping that we don't have to go in and do the work ourselves again? What will be lost that can never be regained in the mean time?

Keeping in mind what the consequences could be if we fail, or equally as bad, if nothing is done in time to prevent a catastrophe, what are we doing and how are we choosing to do it? Talking, with limited airstrikes to back that up with? Sounds like a couple of our top military commanders don't believe that will work ...

The terrorists don't seem to be fighting with words! So if you resort to saying that we can win a war with them by not fighting them directly, please explain how. Especially to the families of all the people they've killed, including American and British citizens.