9. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE OF THE PUB -- MIDDAY
Arthur is running up the road towards his demolished house, Ford following behind.
FORD: Stop it! Stop tearing my house down!
A loud, unearthly sound accompanies the appearance of GIGANTIC YELLOW SPACESHIPS sweeping overhead. People run in panic, except for Arthur, who stops still and stares with disbelief at the vision. Ford runs up and rummages a towel out of the ruins of Arthur's house, then he runs up to Arthur's side.
ARTHUR (pointing up): WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!
FORD: Ships from a Vogon Constructor Fleet. I picked up their signal this morning.
Ford shows Arthur his blinking Sens-O-Matic device. He presses the towel around Arthur's shoulders, saying:
FORD: Here. You'll need this.
ARTHUR: I'll need a towel?
FORD: Only always! Why, a towel is the most useful thing you can have in the whole galaxy! You can use it to keep warm; you can use it to lie on on the beach; you can wet it and use it in hand-to-hand combat. Oh, and people will see you and assume that if you are smart enough to have your towel with you, they should lend you just about anything else you need, cos they'll think you're such a hoopy frood!
ARTHUR: A what?
FORD: A towel! You need one! And maybe one of these, too.
Ford shows Arthur a blinking gadget with one hand and wraps his other arm around Arthur, as they vanish upward into a stream of twinkling light.
10. EXT. SURFACE OF THE PLANET EARTH, VARIOUS VIEWS
People in the street are shown reacting to the voice of the aliens, broadcasting all around them.
PROSTETNIC VOGON JELTZ V.O. (Played by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, reprising his role from the Touchstone Pictures film): This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.
MANKIND: (Yells of protest)
JELTZ V.O.: There’s no point in acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display at your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaints and its far too late to start making a fuss about it now.
MANKIND: (Louder yells of protest)
JELTZ V.O.: What do you mean you’ve never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh for heaven sake mankind it’s only four light years away you know! I’m sorry but if you can’t be bothered to take an interest in local affairs that’s your own regard. God, I don’t know…
11. INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE -- CONTINUOUS
JELTZ turns. He's large, green and walrusy.
JELTZ: Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all. Energize the demolition beams.
One of his walrusy OFFICERS pushes a yellow button.
12. EXT. SPACE
The Earth is destroyed in a huge explosion.
13. A distant RED GLOW appears. As it gets nearer we see that it says..."THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY."
NARRATOR: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book...
The title draws nearer. We see that it sits on an electronic book with lots of buttons.
NARRATOR: ... Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor.
The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations...
NARRATOR: More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE OMNIBUS, better selling than 53 MORE THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, WHERE GOD WENT WRONG, SOME MORE OF GOD'S GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD PERSON, ANYWAY?
Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as the book "presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial.
NARRATOR: In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom. For though it has many omissions, and contains much which is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper. And second, it has the words "DON'T PANIC" printed in large friendly letters on its cover.
The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just below the title, blinking like a tacky diner marquee. PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the blinking light illuminating his very disoriented face.
14. INT. HOLD OF VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP -- DARK
Arthur, in total shock, holds up the guide.
ARTHUR: So you're not from Jersey after all, and you're not an out-of-work actor, but rather a writer for this ... this ... book thing.
FORD: I bought some peanuts. Here, eat some. If you've never been through a matter transference beam before, you've probably lost some salt and protein.
ARTHUR: What?
FORD: How are you feeling?
ARTHUR: Like a military academy - bits of me keep passing out. If I asked you where we were, would I regret it?
FORD: We're safe.
ARTHUR: Oh good ...
FORD: We're in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships that just destroyed the Earth.
ARTHUR: Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.
FORD (Looking for the light): I'll look for the light.
ARTHUR: Ford, how did we get here?
FORD: We hitched a lift.
ARTHUR: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me that we just stuck out our thumbs and some bug-eyed monster stuck his head out and said, "Hi fellows, hop right in, I can take you as far as the Basinstoke roundabout"?
FORD: Well, the thumb's an electronic sub-ether device, the roundabout's at Barnard's Star, about six light years away, but otherwise that's more or less right.
ARTHUR: And the bug-eyed monster?
FORD: Is green, yes.
ARTHUR (Fed up with what sounds like a lot of nonsense): Fine. When can I go home?
FORD: You can't. Ah! I think I've found the light.
15. INT. BRIDGE, VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP
The Vogon Captain looks at a bank of screens, and is drawn to one where a light has just been turned on. He sees Ford and Arthur, and his walrusy eyes narrow. He can just hear Arthur's voice saying, "Good grief! Is this really the interior of a flying saucer? It's a bit squalid, isn't it?"
14 Cont. FORD AND ARTHUR IN THE INT. HOLD OF THE SHIP
FORD (Looking at their grubby surroundings): Well, this is a working ship, you see. These are the Dentrassis' sleeping quarters.
ARTHUR: I thought you said they were called Vogons.
FORD: Yes, the Vogons run the ship, the Dentrassis are the cooks; they let us on board.
ARTHUR: But what's a Vogon?
FORD: Ask the Guide. Say "Vogons."
ARTHUR (Holding up the guide): Vogons.
The Guide explains what Vogons are, and why they are best avoided if at all possible.
ARTHUR: What a strange book. How did we get a lift then?
FORD: Well, that's the point, it's out of date now. I'm doing the field research for the new revised edition of the Guide, and one of the things I'll have to do is to include a bit about how the Vogons now employ Dentrassi cooks, which gives us a rather useful little loophole.
ARTHUR: Who are the Dentrassi?
FORD: The best cooks in the galaxy! They'll always help out hitchhikers, partly because they like the company, but mostly because it annoys the Vogons. Which is exactly the sort of thing you need to know if you're an impoverished hitchhiker trying to see the marvels of the galaxy for less than thirty Altairian dollars a day.
ARTHUR (Boggled): Ford, what am I doing here?
FORD: Well, I rescued you from the Earth, didn't I?
ARTHUR: And what has happened to the Earth?
FORD: It's been disintegrated.
ARTHUR: Has it?
FORD: Yes, just boiled away into space.
ARTHUR: Look, I'm a bit upset about that.
FORD: Yes, I can understand that.
ARTHUR (Shouting): Understand that! Understand that!
FORD: Look at the book!
ARTHUR: What?
FORD: Don't Panic.
ARTHUR: I'm not panicking!
FORD: Yes you are.
ARTHUR: All right, so I'm panicking. What am I supposed to do now?
FORD: You come along with me and have a good time. The Galaxy's a fun place. You'll need to have this fish in your ear.
Ford takes a yellow fish from his bag and, showing it to Arthur, tries to stuff it in his ear. They struggle, Arthur trying to stop Ford from sticking a fish in his ear and Ford saying, "Where exactly IS a frog's ear?" Then a violent noise leaps at them.
ARTHUR: What the devil's that?
FORD: Listen, it might be important. It's the Vogon Captain making an announcement.
ARTHUR: But I can't speak Vogon!
FORD (Slapping the fish into Arthur's ear): You don't need to - just put this fish in your ear.
ARTHUR (Thrashing around and waving the Guide): What the!?!
FORD: It's a Babel Fish!
At the sound of Ford's voice saying Babel Fish, the Guide begins to describe what a Babel Fish is. Following this short description, Arthur finds that he can in fact begin to understand the alien gibberish.
VOGON CAPTAIN: ... should have a good time. Message repeat. This is your Captain speaking so [Shouts] stop whatever you’re doing and pay attention! First of all, I see from our instruments that we have a couple of hitch-hiker’s aboard our ship. Hello wherever you are! I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome! I worked hard to get where I am today, and I didn’t become captain of a Vogon Constructor ship simply so that I could turn it into a taxi service for degenerate freeloaders! I have sent out a search party. As soon as they find you I will put you off the ship - if you’re very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first. Secondly, we are about to jump into hyperspace for the journey to Barnard Star. On arrival we will stay in dock for a seventy-two hour refit and no one’s to leave the ship during that time! I repeat, all planet leave is cancelled! I’ve just had an unhappy love affair. So I don’t see why anyone else should have a good time. Message Ends.
ARTHUR (Looking shaken): Ford?
FORD: Yeah?
ARTHUR: If you're a researcher for this book thing and you were on Earth, you must have been gathering material on it.
FORD: Well, I was able to extend the original entry a bit, yes.
ARTHUR: Why? What did it originally say?
FORD: Just ask the Guide.
Arthur holds up the Guide and says, "Earth." Arthur stared at it for a moment and then exclaimed.
ARTHUR: What? Harmless! Is that all it's got to say? Harmless! One word!
FORD: Well, there are a hundred billion stars in the Galaxy, and only a limited amount of space in the book, and no one knew much about the Earth, you know.
ARTHUR: Well, I hope you managed to rectify that a bit.
FORD: Oh yes, well, I managed to transmit a new entry off to the editor. He had to trim it a bit, but it's still an improvement.
ARTHUR: And what does it say now?
FORD: Mostly harmless.
ARTHUR (Shouting): Mostly harmless!
A sound of marching footsteps comes from O.S.
FORD: What was that noise?
ARTHUR: It was me shouting.
FORD: No! Listen! I think we're in trouble.
ARTHUR: The Dentrassis?
FORD: No, those are steel-tipped boots.
ARTHUR: Then who is it?
FORD: Well, if we're lucky it's just the Vogons come to throw us into space.
ARTHUR (Shaken): And if we're unlucky?
FORD: If we're unlucky, the captain might be serious in his threat to read us some of his poetry first.
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