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Thursday, July 7, 2016

Here is the last part of the script to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down for the earlier parts. Please stay tuned and come back for a PDF version of the complete script.

57. INT. BRIDGE, GOLGAFRINCHAN SPACESHIP

The bridge is dotted with computer niches filled with officers toiling away at unknown and probably tedious tasks. In the middle of the bridge is a very large oval bathtub, filled with bubbles and the Captain of the ship, played by Dr. Teeth. The Number One officer, played by Floyd Pepper, walks up to his Captain.

NUMBER ONE: Captain ...

CAPTAIN: Yes, Number One?

NUMBER ONE: Just had a sort of report thingy from Number Two.

Number One passes a red piece of paper to his Captain. The Captain reads it, shaking his head.

CAPTAIN: Oh, dear. It looks like Number Two has captured some prisoners. Oh, well, perhaps that will keep him happy for a bit. He's always wanted some.

The door to the bridge opens. Ford and Arthur come in, followed by Number Two, who waves them in with his weapon.

NUMBER TWO: Prisoners, sir!

FORD and ARTHUR: Er ... hello?

CAPTAIN (Beaming): Oh, hello there. Excuse me for not getting up, just having a quick bath.

Number Two stands in front of the Captain, frustrated.

NUMBER TWO: Interrogate prisoners, sir?

The Captain looks on, bemused.

CAPTAIN: Why on Golgafrincham should I want to do that?

NUMBER TWO (Agitated): Interrogate! Interrogate!

FORD: We came to rescue you. Your ship is falling onto that planet. You put out a distress call, remember?

NUMBER TWO (Distressed): Interrogate?!

ARTHUR: You asked for help. We came to save you. What part of that don't you understand?

CAPTAIN: Steady on, Number Two. I put out that distress call, just as a matter of course. Regulations, don't you know. But we don't really need the help, do we? This actually is the planet we were headed for. I just sort of gathered that we were supposed to land on it, not crash on it. Crashes require distress calls, don't you know. Just following the rules. Sorry to have bothered you, and all that.

NUMBER TWO (Angry): Interrogate! Interrogate!

CAPTAIN: Oh all right, if you must. Ask them what they want to drink.

NUMBER TWO (Rounding on Ford and Arthur and making them jump): What drink?! What drink?!

FORD: Um, er ... root beer?

ARTHUR: Oh, er, yes, a root beer would be nice.

NUMBER TWO (Bellowing): Ice?

FORD: Oh, yes, please. And do you have any of those little biscuits? You know, the cheesy ones?

NUMBER TWO (Howling): Me ask questions!

CAPTAIN: Shove off and get the drinks, would you Number Two? There's a good chap. I'm trying to have a relaxing bath here.

Number Two stalks off. Number One approaches the Captain.

NUMBER ONE: Haven't you been in that bath for over three years?

The Captain squirms in his bath and gives Ford and Arthur a lame smile.

CAPTAIN: Well, you need to relax a lot in a job like mine.

Number Two returns with Ford and Arthur's drinks.

FORD (To the Captain): Um, I couldn't help but noticing, the bodies. In the hold.

CAPTAIN (Surprised): Bodies?

ARTHUR: Yes, all those dead hairdressers and account executives, you know, down in the hold.

The Captain stares at them for a moment, then throws his head back and laughs.

CAPTAIN: Oh, they're not dead. No, no, they're frozen. They're going to be revived, all of them. Tired TV producers, insurance salesmen, personnel officers, security guards, public relations executives, management consultants, you name it. We're going to colonize that planet, do you see?

ARTHUR: What, with that lot?

CAPTAIN: Now, don't misunderstand me. We're just one of the ships on the Ark Fleet. We're the 'B' Ark, you see.

FORD: What is a 'B' Ark?

CAPTAIN: This is, this ship. You see, our planet, the world from which we have come was, so to speak, doomed. Oh, I can't, I can't remember why, but it was decided that we pack the whole population into some giant spaceships and go and settle on another planet. Three ships were built, three Arks in space, do you see? The idea was that into the first ship, the 'A' ship, would go all the brilliant leaders, the scientists, the great artists, you know, all the achievers; and then into the third, or 'C' ship, would go all the people who did the actual work, who made things and did things; and then into the 'B' ship -- that's us -- would go everyone else, the middlemen, you see. And we were sent off first, to prepare things for everyone else, as it were.

FORD: And the other ships followed on after you, did they?

NUMBER ONE: Well, it's a funny thing you should say that because curiously enough we haven't seen them since we left some five years ago ... but they must be behind us somewhere.

FORD: Well, it seems like you've got a lot of things you're going to need to be doing, then, to prepare for your landing. If you could just show us to the nearest teleport booth, or escape shuttle, we'll be going.

NUMBER ONE: Actually, we don't have any of those things.

ARTHUR: What?

CAPTAIN: Oh yes, so many of those things that you'd expect to see on a starship, like communications arrays or escape pods or landing craft, we just don't seem to have any of them.

FORD: You mean we're stuck here on this ship?

CAPTAIN: Yes, yes in fact, because, I think, so much of the ship's planning, it's trajectory thingy and all that was preset before we left Golgafrincham. Perhaps because I'm not very good with figures ...

ARTHUR: So you mean that we're going to land on that wretched planet with you?

CAPTAIN: Well, not so much land as such, no ... er --

FORD (Sharply): What are you talking about?

CAPTAIN (Carefully): Well, I think as far as I can remember we were programmed to crash on it.

FORD and ARTHUR: Crash?

CAPTAIN: Er, yes, yes, it's all part of the plan, I think. There was a terribly good reason for it which I can't quite remember at the moment. It was something to do with ... er ...

FORD (Exploding): You're a load of useless bloody loonies!

CAPTAIN (Beaming): Yes, that was it, that was the reason.

58. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD

Marvin watches the alien ship start to burn as it plunges through the atmosphere, to crash upon the planet below.

MARVIN: There they go, leaving me behind again. Don't worry about me, alone and abandoned on a forgotten spaceship in orbit around an insignificant little blue-green planet out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the galaxy. God, I'm so depressed. I think I'll turn myself off.

59. EXT. SWAMP, PLANETSIDE

NARRATOR: The Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark blazes as it falls to the planet surface. Pieces tear and peel off and dash to the surface like burning meteors. The red-hot ship tears through the sky and belly-flopps into a murky swamp. It sinks in the gray predawn light, taking most of its millions of frozen passengers with it. Thousands survive, however, and dredge themselves out of the muck and onto whatever dry land that they can find. On a nearby hillside, wet and bedraggled Ford and Arthur watch.

ARTHUR: Filthy dirty trick to pull.

FORD (Shrugging): An imaginitive solution to a problem, I'd have thought.

ARTHUR: Why can't people just learn to live together in peace and harmony?

Ford gives a loud, very hollow laugh.

FORD: Forty-two! No, doesn't work. Never mind.

Arthur looks at Ford as if he were a crazy bear.

ARTHUR: What do you think will happen to them all?

FORD: In an infinite Universe anything can happen, even survival. Strange but true.

Ford digs a Sens-O-Matic device from his satchel.

FORD: Broken. All of my tools have been destroyed in the crash, or lost in the swamp.

ARTHUR: What?

FORD: We're in trouble. Unless we can find some way to contact the Heart of Gold up in orbit, our chances of getting off this planet are zero.

Ford tosses everything back in his bag, and walks off.

FORD (Over his shoulder): Coming?

Arthur shrugs his shoulders and follows in Ford's wake.

60. EXT. SURFACE, PLANETSIDE

NARRATOR: Ford and Arthur spend years wandering the surface of the unknown planet, avoiding the Golgafrinchans, occasionally meeting primitive natives, traveling far and wide over landscapes ranging from mountains and valleys to deserts and seas, from forests and plains to icefields and glaciers. Ford occasionally works on his Sens-O-Matic, trying to repair it, to no end. One day, while traveling along the edge of a glacier, Arthur finds Ford crouching near a wall of ice. Ford is tense with excitement.

FORD: Look, look!

Arthur looks. He sees a solid wall of blue ice.

ARTHUR: Yes, it's a glacier. I've already seen it.

FORD: No, you've looked at it, you haven't seen it. Look again.

Arthur peers. He tilts his head from one side to another. He does a double-take. He peers again. His mouth flops open. Sounds come out of his mouth but don't make words. Shadows and lines in the ice seem to drift and overlap from the parallax caused by Arthur tilting his head back and forth. They slowly resolve themselves into enormous words in an alien language. Arthur had seen those words before, in an office on an alien planet far from his home world. Above the words is the outline of a face, a face that he was all too familiar with. It is the face of Slartibartfast.

FORD (Laughing hysterically): Norway!

61. EXT. WOODED GLEN, PLANETSIDE

The Golgafrinchans are gathering in a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is the bathtub from the bridge of the Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark. In the middle of the tub is the Captain. Several Golgafrinchans approach him.

NUMBER ONE: It's time for the afternoon committee meetings, sir.

CAPTAIN: Oh good, those are my favorites.

From a distance Ford and Arthur watch. Ford begins to walk briskly towards the gathering. Arthur follows.

CAPTAIN: All right, I'd like to call this meeting to some sort of order. Is that alright with everybody? When you're all ready.

Ford enters the clearing and approaches the bath.

FORD: I bring you news of a discovery that might interest you.

An officer, Number Three (Played by Zoot), approaches Ford.

NUMBER THREE: Is it on the agenda? Speaking as a management consultant of many years' standing, man, I must insist on the importance of observing the committee structure.

ARTHUR (Having joined Ford): What?

NUMBER TWO: Address the chair!

FORD: There isn't a chair, there's only a rock.

NUMBER ONE: We call it a chair.

A Marketing Girl (Played by Janice) approaches the rock.

MARKETING GIRL: Shut up, you guys! I want to table a motion, for sure, really.

ARTHUR: You mean boulder a motion.

FORD: This is rediculous. All you do is have meetings, and you haven't even discovered the wheel yet.

CAPTAIN: Oh, the wheel! In fact, we have a committee working on that project as we speak. It sounds like a terribly interesting project.

MARKETING GIRL: Ah, well, we're having a little difficulty there.

FORD: Difficulty? Difficulty? What do you mean, difficulty? It's the single machine in the entire universe!

MARKETING GIRL: All right, Mr. Wiseguy, if you're so clever, you tell us what color it should be.

FORD: Almighty Zarquont, have none of you done anything?

NUMBER THREE: Of course we have! I have the report on fiscal policy ...

FORD: Fiscal policy! How can you have money if none of you actually produces anything? It doesn't grow on trees you know.

NUMBER ONE: Since we decided to a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich. But we have also run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying one ship's peanut.

Arthur makes sheeshing noises.

CAPTAIN: So in order to obviate this problem and effectively revalue the leaf, we are about to embark on a massive defoliation campaign, and ... er, burn down all the forests. I think you'll all agree that's a sensible move under the circumstances.

FORD: This is crazy! Have you not achieved anything?

MARKETING GIRL: We've started making a fascinating documentary about the cavemen living in the area.

FORD: They're not cavemen.

MARKETING GIRL: They look like cavemen.

FORD: Do they live in caves?

NUMBER ONE: They live in huts.

ARTHUR: Have you noticed that, since you've arrived they've been dying out?

MARKETING GIRL: That's what the documentary is about. That gives it a poignant twist which is the hallmark of the really great documentary!

ARTHUR: Good grief!

MARKETING GIRL: Well, what have you two been doing all this time, then?

FORD: We've been on a journey. We went to try and find out something about this planet, and have we got news for you. We know this planet's future, and it doesn't matter a fetid pair of dingo's kidneys what you all do from now on. Burn down the forests, anything, it won't make a scrap of difference. Your future history has already happened. Two million years you've got and that's it. At the end of that time your race will be dead, gone and good riddance to you. Remember that, two million years!

Ford stalks off into the forest, with Arthur following behind him.

CAPTAIN (With a soothing smile): Well, still time for a few more baths. Could someone please pass me the sponge. I just dropped it over the side.

61. EXT. FOREST

Arthur and Ford walk up a slight incline, towards a group of the aboriginal natives of the planet. Arthur joins one native (Played by Sweetums), who is sitting on the ground tinkering with a board and some small pieces of stone.

ARTHUR: Look, Ford, they're still trying to play the game.

FORD: Play what game? What are you talking about?

ARTHUR: Well, I made a sort of word puzzle game and I've been trying to use it teach the natives how to speak. It hasn't been going all that well. The only word they know is grunt and they can't spell it.

FORD: What's that supposed to achieve?

ARTHUR: We've got to encourage them to evolve! To develop! Can you imagine what a world would be like descended from those, those ... cretins we arrived with?

FORD: Imagine? We don't have to imagine. We've seen it.

ARTHUR: Did you tell them what we'd discovered? Norway. Slartibartfast's signature in the glacier. Did you tell them?

FORD: They weren't interested. Face it, those zeebs over there are your ancestors, not these poor creatures here. Put the game away, Arthur, it won't save the human race because this lot aren't going to be the human race. The human race are currently sitting around a rock on the other side of this hill making documentaries about themselves.

Arthur winced.

ARTHUR: There must be something we can do.

The native, bored with the game, leaves. Arthur picks up a playing piece and holds it in his hand. He puts it down on the board. It is a 'W'.

ARTHUR: Ford, look, if that Question is printed in my brain wave patterns but I'm not consciously aware of it, it must be somewhere in my unconscious.

FORD: Yes, I suppose so.

ARTHUR: Mightn't there be a way of bringing that unconscious pattern forward?

FORD: Oh yes?

ARTHUR: Yes, by introducing some random element that can be shaped by that pattern.

FORD: Like how?

ARTHUR: Like by pulling word game letters out of a bag blindfolded.

Excited, Ford and Arthur sit next to the game board and begin to throw pieces into a bag made from Ford's towel.

FORD: Totally mad, utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense. Come on, come on. Right, close your eyes and pull out a letter.

Arthur closes his eyes and pulls out three letters. He hands them to Ford, who puts them onto the board with the letter Arthur had already left there.

FORD: W, H, A, T ... What! I think it's working!

Arthur pushed more letters towards Ford. Ford puts them onto the board.

FORD: D, O, Y ... Doy. Oh, perhaps it isn't working.

ARTHUR: Here's the next three.

FORD: O, U, G ... Doyoug ... It's not making much sense I'm afraid.

Arthur pulls another two letters from the bag. Ford puts them into place.

FORD: E, T, Doyouget ... Do you get! (Shouting): It is working! This is amazing, it really is working!

Arthur pulls out more letters. Ford quickly puts them into place.

FORD: I, F, Y, O, U ... M, U, L, T, I, P, L, Y ... What do you get if you multiply ... S, I, X ... six ... B, Y, by, six by, ... what do you get if you multiply six by ... N, I, N, E ... six by nine ... Come on, where's the next one?

ARTHUR: Er, that's the lot, that's all there were.

FORD: You mean that's it?

ARTHUR: That's it.

FORD: Six by nine. Forty two.

ARTHUR: That's it. That's all there is.

Ford and Arthur stand up and boggle at the game board.

ARTHUR (Sighing despondently): I always said there was something fundamentally wrong with the universe.

FORD: All for that.

ARTHUR: Yup. It's very sad, you know. Just at the moment it's a very beautiful planet.

Ford and Arthur wander off across the landscape.

FORD: It is, it is indeed. The rich primal greens, the river snaking off into the distance, the burning forests.

ARTHUR: And in only two millions years, bang, it gets destroyed by the Vogons. What a life for a young planet to look forward to. What a waste.

FORD: Well, better than some. I read of some planet up in the seventh dimension, got used as a ball in an intergalactic game of bar billiards. Got potted straight into a black hole, killed ten billion people.

ARTHUR: Madness, total madness!

FORD: Yeah, only scored thirty points, too.

ARTHUR: Where'd you read that?

FORD: Oh, a book.

ARTHUR: What book?

FORD: Oh, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

ARTHUR: Oh, that thing.

FORD: I wonder whatever happened to it.

ARTHUR: I threw it in the river. I don't think I'll be wanting it any more.

Ford and Arthur walk off into the distance.

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