Here, then, is Part Fifteen of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets. Please scroll down to see the earlier parts.
55. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD
Zaphod, Ford, Trillian and Arthur are sitting on the seats on the bridge, watching the stars pass by on the wall viewer. Marvin putters around aimlessly in the background.
ARTHUR: What just happened?
FORD: I'll tell you about it after I've had a couple of very large drinks.
ZAPHOD (Laughing): I think the universe is in pretty good hands, yeah?
TRILLIAN: Very good. So what do we do now?
ZAPHOD: Anything we want. Hey, wait, look at that!
On the screen, a long silver spaceship drifts into view. It pulls up alongside the Heart of Gold.
TRILLIAN: We're being hailed.
ZAPHOD: Yeah? So put it on the screen.
Trillian operates some controls and the image of a tall, pale green alien with a flattened head appears on the wall viewer. It holds up a clipboard, consults it, then looks at the group on the bridge of the Heart of Gold.
ALIEN: Are you Arthur Dent?
Ford, Trillian and Zaphod look at Arthur in amazement.
ARTHUR: What? Er ... yes, why yes I am.
ALIEN: Arthur Philip Dent, of Earth?
ARTHUR: Yes?
ALIEN: You're a jerk, Dent. A real kneebiter.
ARTHUR: Er ...
The alien nods to itself, makes a particular alien check on its clipboard, and turns away.
ARTHUR: Er ... er ...
The alien turns back to face him and snaps:
ALIEN: Don't give me that!
The alien reaches for a control and the image disappears, shortly followed by the spaceship flitting away to vanish into the stars.
ARTHUR: What??
Ford, Zaphod and Trillian laugh happily as Arthur's head reels.
ARTHUR: This universe is crazy! It's run by a crazy old man in a shack, administered by crazy bureaucrats who are all fools, and populated by crazy aliens going around making insane insults for no reason! What's the point?!
MARVIN: Now you know how I feel.
TRILLIAN: Calm down, Arthur. It's not as bad as all that. What about this whole Question to the Ultimate Answer thing we're still stuck with? How are we going to figure out what it is?
ZAPHOD: Who cares? We're free to do whatever we want now, so let's go out and do it.
FORD: So what do you want to do?
Zaphod stopped. Several different looks of thought, confusion, and eventually dismay crossed first one face then the other.
ZAPHOD: I don't know! I've spent so much of my life trying to sort out what I've hidden from myself that now that I've done it, I don't know what to do next. Augh!
TRILLIAN: So let's figure out this whole Question to the Ultimate Answer thing. It's got to mean something, doesn't it?
ARTHUR: But how do we find out what it is?
ZAPHOD (Muttering): Excitement and adventure and really wild things ...
FORD: Hey, I've got a really crazy idea --
ARTHUR: Just what we need: more craziness.
FORD: No, listen, what if we program what we know about the Question to the Ultimate Answer into the Infinite Improbability Drive? It's designed to do as close to the impossible as we can get. Maybe it will give us some clues to work with.
MARVIN: It won't work.
TRILLIAN: Stop being so negative, Marvin. It couldn't hurt.
ZAPHOD (Holding his heads): My heads hurt. I need a drink.
While his other head says, 'Make that two drinks,' Zaphod goes to a niche in the back wall and makes a preposterous order.
ARTHUR: So what do we do?
FORD: We start programming.
Ford and Trillian start tinkering with the controls to the Infinite Improbability Drive, talking under their breathes about probabilities, computer logic, and other things that Arthur finds too arcane to follow. Dazed, he steps back. Behind him the niche that Zaphod is standing in begins to glow and to pulse, slowly at first and then more rapidly. Then, in a flash of light that only lasts for the blink of an eye, Zaphod disappears with an audible 'pop'. Arthur spins around at the sound, but sees nothing there. Turning back to Ford and Trillian, who appear to be finishing their task, he says:
ARTHUR: Where did Zaphod get to?
MARVIN: Who knows? Who cares? Nothing is worth getting involved in.
ARTHUR: You're as bad as he is.
TRILLIAN: Arthur, I think we've got it!
FORD: Now, to hit the button and activate the Infinite Improbability Drive!
FORD hits the button. The universe turns itself inside-out, elongates into an infinite whirlpool of light and sound rushing away into a wormhole, and disappears into itself. The universe rushes by at a frenetic pace; then it slows, then it stops. A rubber duck appears from nowhere, turns into one random object after another, and then finally turns into the Heart of Gold spaceship.
ARTHUR: Are we there?
FORD: Where? Where were we going?
ARTHUR: I don't know. You tell me.
TRILLIAN (Working the controls): Let's see what the sensors say. (The controls make electonic sounds.) The sensors say that we're exactly where we were. We didn't go anywhere!
FORD: That doesn't make sense. We had to have gone somewhere. Computer!
EDDIE: Hi, guys! Boy, it's great to see you again! I just know that I'll be happy to calculate --
FORD: Shut up! Just tell us where in Zarquont's name we just went.
EDDIE: You mean when you went, didn't you? Because you didn't travel anywhere in space, but you traveled approximately two million years back in time.
FORD, TRILLIAN and ARTHUR: What?!
MARVIN: Of course you did. You wouldn't want to miss out on all of the depressing things that happened in the past, now, would you?
EDDIE: That's right. The Infinite Improbability Drive has deposited you in the far past, according to the co-ordinates that you input into it. Gee whiz!
FORD: Wow! Zaphod, what do you think about that?
After a moment's silence, they all look around for Zaphod. He's not there.
TRILLIAN: Where'd he go?
ARTHUR: Don't you mean when did he go? Because just before Ford hit the Infinite Improbability Drive button, I was saying --
FORD: Computer! Where did Zaphod get off to?
EDDIE: Mr. Beeblebrox is no longer on the ship.
FORD and TRILLIAN: What?!
ARTHUR: As I was trying to say --
TRILLIAN: Computer, where did he go?
EDDIE: I really don't know. He programmed some really weird stuff into the teleport booth and it took him who-knows-where.
FORD (Shocked): Why would he do that?
TRILLIAN: We've got to find him!
ARTHUR (Retreating to a different niche in the wall): I think I'll just get myself a cup of tea.
An alarm klaxon starts blaring.
FORD: What now?
EDDIE: No worries! It's just that we've picked up a distress signal from a spaceship a long ways from here. They're trapped in a disintegrating orbit around a planet, and their engines have failed. Wow-ee!
TRILLIAN: Do you think it could be Zaphod?
FORD: Anything is possible. Do we check it out?
ARTHUR (Returning with his tea): Aren't we obligated to help when a ship is in distress?
FORD: It's just a suggestion.
TRILLIAN and ARTHUR: Ford!
FORD: Oh, all right! Computer, how far away is that ship?
EDDIE: Many days if we use the star drive. Minutes if we use the Infinite Improbability Drive.
ARTHUR: That sounds risky. Look what happened to us the last time we used it.
TRILLIAN: It's all right. So long as we have the right co-ordinates, we'll be fine. Computer, do it!
EDDIE: Here we go!
The Heart of Gold turns into a red rose, then into one random object after another, then vanishes. It reappears at a different point in space, orbiting a small blue-green planet. Another ship, drifting away towards the planet, can just be seen below it.
FORD: Computer, hail that ship!
EDDIE: No response.
TRILLIAN: Are there any lifeforms on board it?
EDDIE: Several, I think. But the readings are kind of odd. It says that there are many thousands of life signs, but they are abnormally weak. They could be dying.
ARTHUR: Dying? Good grief!
MARVIN: Lucky.
FORD: Can you use the tractor beam to pull that ship into a more stable orbit?
EDDIE: Nope. It's far too much larger than we are for that to work.
FORD: Can we dock with it, or land on it?
EDDIE: I'm afraid not. It doesn't seem to be equipped for that. What an odd design! It's unlike any proper ship I've ever seen. No communications arrays, no sensors, no nothing! Weeeird!
FORD (Pushing his chair back): Well, it looks like they're done for!
ARTHUR: How can you say that?
FORD: Easy! There's nothing we can do, so who cares?
ARTHUR: Real humanitarian, you are.
FORD: Hey! There's no need to get all insulting about it!
TRILLIAN: We've still got to try to help. How about using the teleporter, like Zaphod did?
EDDIE: I wouldn't recommend it. It's programming is still a little bonkers from when Mr. Beeblebrox reprogrammed it.
TRILLIAN: So re-reprogram it. And be quick about it.
EDDIE: No promises.
FORD: Computer!
EDDIE (In a hurt tone): Okay, okay! It's ready. Just step into the booth and I'll try to teleport you over to the alien ship.
Ford, Trillian and Arthur step over to the teleport booth. Ford makes Arthur put down his tea. While Arthur protests ("I haven't finished that, yet!"), the teleport's lights blink. The cup of tea falls over, pouring into the teleport controls. Sparks fly, and there is a small explosion. With a loud popping sound, they vanish. Marvin looks at the destroyed teleport booth and shakes his head.
EDDIE: Oh, dear. That didn't quite go as expected, did it?
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