25. INT. HEART OF GOLD CARGO BAY
FORD: I think this ship is brand new, Arthur.
ARTHUR: How can you tell? Have you got some exotic device for measuring the age of metal?
FORD: No, I just found this sales brochure lying on the floor. “The Universe can be yours.” Ah, and look, I was right, “Sensational new breakthrough in improbability physics. As the ship’s drive reaches infinite improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously. You select your own re-entry point. Be the envy of other major governments.” Wow! This is big-league stuff.
ARTHUR: It looks a lot better than that dingy Vogon ship. This is my idea of a spaceship! All gleaming white, flashing lights, everything. What happens if I press this button?
FORD: I wouldn’t…
Arthur presses button.
ARTHUR: Oh!
FORD: What happened?
ARTHUR: A sign lit up saying “please do not press this button again.”
FORD (Looking at the brochure): They make a big thing of the ship’s cybernetics. “A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics robots and computers, with the new G.P.P. feature.”
ARTHUR: ”G.P.P.”? What’s that?
FORD: Er… It says “Genuine People Personalities”.
ARTHUR: Sounds ghastly.
DOOR (Opening): Hummmm-ahhhhh…
MARVIN (Walking in): It is.
ARTHUR: What?
MARVIN: Ghastly. It all is. Absolutely ghastly. Just don’t even talk about it. Look at this door. “All the doors in this spacecraft have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their pleasure to open for you and their satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.”
DOOR (Shutting): Hummm-yummmm ...
MARVIN: Hateful isn’t it? Come on. I’ve been ordered to take you up to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, cos I don’t.
FORD: Excuse me, which government owns this ship?
MARVIN: You watch this door. It’s about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates… Come on.
DOOR (Opening): Hummm. Glad to be of service.
MARVIN: Thank you the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
DOOR (Closing): You’re welcome. Hummmm …
MARVIN: “Let’s build robots with Genuine People Personalities,” they said. So they tried it out with me. I’m a personality prototype, you can tell can’t you?
FORD: Hmm.
MARVIN: I hate that door. I’m not getting you down am I?
FORD: Which government owns this ship?
MARVIN: No government owns this ship. It’s been stolen.
ARTHUR and FORD: Stolen?
MARVIN (Mimicking them): Stolen?
FORD: Who by?
MARVIN: Zaphod Beeblebrox.
FORD: Zaphod Beeblebrox?!
MARVIN: Sorry did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it. Oh god, I'm so depressed. Here’s another of those self-satisfied doors.
DOOR: Hummmm-yummmm…
MARVIN: Life, don’t talk to me about life.
ARTHUR: No one even mentioned it. Ford, are you alright?
FORD: Did that robot really just say Zaphod Beeblebrox?
26. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD
Pan down to a mouse cage containing two white mice, played by Rizzo the Rat and Pepe the King Prawn, wearing white mouse suits.
PEPE: Why do we have to play the mice?
RIZZO: Cos we're small. Besides, these're good roles. We get to do some good stuff later in the story.
PEPE: This is not cool. (Picking at his mouse suit): White is not my color, okay?
TRILLIAN: Shut up, both of you! You don't even have any lines yet!
Trillian turns to Zaphod and says:
TRILLIAN: Zaphod, I've just thought of something.
ZAPHOD: Yeah?
TRILLIAN: About those guys we picked up.
ZAPHOD: What guys?
TRILLIAN (Exasperated): The guys we picked up! We picked up those guys in sector Zed, Zed, nine, plural Zed, Alpha. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
ZAPHOD: Mmmm. ZZ nine Plural Z Alpha. ZZ nine Plural Z Alpha.
TRILLIAN: Well?
ZAPHOD: What does the Z mean?
TRILLIAN: Which one?
ZAPHOD: Any one.
TRILLIAN: ARGH! Are you intentionally being stupid just to annoy me or genuinely being stupid because you're stupid?
ZAPHOD: Why? Does it make a difference?
TRILLIAN: ARGH!! That's the same sector you originally picked me up in, stupid!
ZAPHOD (Genuinely interested): Hey, yeah, that is wild! We should have zapped straight into the middle of the Horsehead Nebula. How did we come to be there, that's nowhere, man.
TRILLIAN: Improbability Drive, remember? You explained it to me yourself. We pass through every point in the Universe, you know that.
ZAPHOD: Yeah, but picking them up there's just too strange a coincidence. I wanna work this out. Computer!
TRILLIAN (Facepalming): Oh no ...
COMPUTER (Played by Scooter, and playing it up as if he were selling soap door-to-door): Hi there!
A ticker tape spits out of the console in front of them. The ticker tape says, "Hi there!"
COMPUTER: I want you to know that whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it.
ZAPHOD: Er, look, I think I'll just use a piece of paper.
COMPUTER (Continuing to spit out a stream of ticker tape): Sure thing. I understand. If you ever need --
ZAPHOD: Shut up!
COMPUTER (In a hurt tone of voice): Okay, okaaay.
Zaphod grabs a pencil and he and Trillian try to figure out the numbers.
ZAPHOD: Trillian, the ship picked them up all by itself, right?
TRILLIAN: Right.
ZAPHOD: Can we work out from their point of view what the Improbability of their rescue was?
TRILLIAN: It's really, really high.
ZAPHOD: Yeah, they're two lucky, lucky guys
TRILLIAN: You're telling me.
ZAPHOD: But relative to what we were doing when the ship picked them up ...
ZAPHOD tries but can't figure out on paper the chances. He accidentally bangs his heads together in frustration, and says "Ow!"
ZAPHOD: I can't figure it out!
TRILLIAN (Also frustrated): Oh give that here! (She takes the paper and pencil and scribbles away furiously. She stops, and they both look at what she has done.)
One of Zaphod's heads says:
ZAPHOD: That's pretty low!
The other head replies:
ZAPHOD: Yeah, it is!
TRILLIAN: So what does that mean?
Zaphod's two heads look at each other and say:
ZAPHOD: I don't know. Computer!
COMPUTER (Very cheerfully): Why hello there (ticker tape, ticker tape). All I want to do is make your day nicer and nicer ...
ZAPHOD: Yeah, well, shut up and work something out for me.
COMPUTER: Sure thing. You want a probability forecast based on improbability data, right?
ZAPHOD and TRILLIAN: Right.
COMPUTER: Okay. Here's an interesting little notion for you to ponder while I calculate. Did you realize that most people's lives are governed by telephone numbers?
Trillian gasps, looks at the numbers being shown on the computer's display, and says:
TRILLIAN: Telephone number? Did that thing say telephone number?
COMPUTER: What I was about to say was that ...
TRILLIAN: Forget it!
ZAPHOD: Look, what's going on?
TRILLIAN: I don't know, but those hitchhikers, they're on their way up to the bridge?
ZAPHOD: Right.
TRILLIAN: Can we pick them up on any monitor cameras?
COMPUTER: Sure thing!
27. INT. HEART OF GOLD HALLWAY
The wall facing Trillian and Zaphod lights up, showing Marvin leading Ford and Arthur up a hallway. Marvin's voice can be heard saying:
MARVIN: ... and then of course I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. I mean, I've asked for them to be replaced but no one ever listens.
ARTHUR: Oh sorry ...
FORD (To himself): Well well well, Zaphod Beeblebrox.
26 Cont. BACK TO INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE
Trillian and Zaphod look at back and forth from the monitor to each other.
TRILLIAN (To herself): Arthur? Oh!
ZAPHOD: Hey! It's Ixxy! This is great!
TRILLIAN: Uh, excuse me. I have to ... um ... er ... bye! [Leaves.]
ZAPHOD: Right. Which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered in? (Sits.) Yeah … ok.
DOOR (Opens): Hummmm-yummm… Glad to be of service.
MARVIN: I suppose you’ll want to see the aliens now. Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall apart where I’m standing?
ZAPHOD: Show them in please Marvin!
FORD and ARTHUR enter.
ZAPHOD (Rising from his seat, and being ultra-cool about it): Praxibetel Ix, you zarking hoopy! Hi. How are you? Glad you could drop in.
FORD (Not to be out-cooled): Zaphod, great to see you. You’re looking well… the extra arm suits you. Nice ship you’ve stolen.
ZAPHOD and FORD begin to do an odd little alien greeting dance around each other.
ZAPHOD: What are you doing here?
FORD: I don't know! Just stuck out the thumb and here I am.
ZAPHOD: That is so you.
FORD: And look at you! President? Last time I saw you, you were a beach bum.
ZAPHOD: Everyone needs a hobby, Ixxy.
FORD: Hey, it's Ford now.
ZAPHOD: What is?
FORD: My name. It's Ford Prefect. Picked it up on Earth. Sorta grew on me.
ZAPHOD: Okay "Ford" — you zarking frood.
They continue to dance, and they bump into Arthur.
FORD: Oh, this is Arthur. Arthur, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox. My cousin? Semi-half brother?
ZAPHOD: He shares three of the same mothers as me.
ARTHUR (Goggling at Ford): Really?
FORD (Behind one hand): Not really, it's in the script.
ARTHUR: Fozzy! (Returning to the aforementioned script.) Do you mean that you know this guy?
FORD: Sure! He's ...
ARTHUR (Sharply): We've met.
FORD: What?!
ZAPHOD: Oh, er… have we? Hey…
FORD: What do you mean you’ve met?! This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse Five, you know, not, not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon!
ARTHUR: I don’t care; we’ve met. Haven’t we Zaphod? …Or should I say Phil?
FORD: What?!
ZAPHOD: Er... y- you’ll have to remind me, I have a terrible memory for species.
ARTHUR: It was at a party.
ZAPHOD: I rather doubt it.
FORD: Cool it will you, Arthur.
ARTHUR: A party six months ago… on Earth… England…. London…
ZAPHOD: Er…
ARTHUR: Islington!
ZAPHOD: O-heh, that party…
FORD (Both rattled and a little angry): What? (To Zaphod): You don't mean to say you've been on that miserable little planet as well, do you?
ZAPHOD (Breezily): No, of course not. Well, I may have just dropped in briefly, you know, on my way somewhere ...
FORD: But I was stuck there for fifteen years!
ZAPHOD: Well, I didn't know that, did I?
FORD: But what were you doing there?
ARTHUR (Trembling with anger): He gate-crashed a fancy dress party.
FORD: Not that party?
ARTHUR: Yes! He only had the two arms and the one head and he called himself Phil, but ...
TRILLIAN: But you must admit that he did turn out to be from a different planet, Arthur.
ARTHUR (As if a ton of bricks had fallen on him): Tricia McMillan? What are you doing here?
TRILLIAN: Same as you Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in math and another in astrophysics, it was either that or back to the dole queue on Monday. And the name is Trillian now, I shortened it. Sounds more spacey, no?
Ford looks back and forth between Arthur and Trillian, amazed and amused.
ZAPHOD (To the camera): Oh, for goodness sakes! Let's just get the introductions over with and get on to the next scene already. (To Ford): Ford, this is Trillian. Hi. Trillian, this is Ford, my semi-half cousin. Hiii. (To Trillian): Is this thing going to happen every time we use the Infinite Improbability Drive?
TRILLIAN: Very Probably, I'm afraid.
Zaphod says 'Sheesh!', and turns to a computer niche in the wall. He pushes a button and a beverage appears.
ZAPHOD (To himself): Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink ... Hi. (One head gulps the drink down, while the other says, 'Hey, what about me?')
I don't know why, in posting this, the blog inserted spaces before the last paragraph, and changed its font. Weird.
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