52. INT. BRIDGE, HEART OF GOLD
TRILLIAN: I can't believe we're doing this. Giving the ship to this character. Traveling who knows where for who knows what reason.
ZARNIWOOP: The reason will be made clear to you shortly. I have programmed the computer with the Improbability Coordinates pertinent to our journey. We will arrive there very soon. Meanwhile, you should try to relax and prepare for your meeting.
FORD: Our meeting with whom?
ZARNIWOOP: We are going to meet the man who rules the Universe.
ZAPHOD: Hey, yeah? Now you've got my undivided attention. And we're meeting this man, why?
ZARNIWOOP: Because he has the answers. All of the answers. And we're going to get them from him one way or another. That was our plan; your plan. Who was behind it all? Who held ultimate power? If not the President of the Galaxy, then who? Why? All of the big questions, all of them answered. And to do that, we needed this ship because the man we want is hidden behind a vast field of Unprobability to which only a handful of men in this Galaxy have a key. But now we have our own key: this ship, the Heart of Gold. Only its Infinite Improbability Drive can penetrate the Unprobability field and take us to the hidden planet at its center.
TRILLIAN: And why you?
ZARNIWOOP: I was Yooden Vranx's partner in the scheme. It was originally his idea, but he was dying and he knew he couldn't complete it. So he had to find a successor. That was you, Beeblebrox. We planned for you to take Yooden's place, and you did. You were to steal the ship, I was to wait for you at Milliways with the coordinates. Then we would proceed to the location. That's all. And the plan has worked perfectly. You should be proud, Zaphod,
ZAPHOD (Savagely): And when all this is done, it's done, all right? I'm free to go and do what the heck I like and lie on beaches and stuff?
ZARNIWOOP: It depends what transpires from the meeting.
ARTHUR (Sarcastically): Will the adventure never end?
MARVIN: It will, but you won't like it.
Everyone answers: 'Oh, shut up!'
53. NARRATOR: One of the major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them. To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem. And so this is the situation we find: a succession of Galactic Presidents who so much enjoy the fun and palaver of being in power that they very rarely notice that they're not. And somewhere in the shadows behind them -- who? Who can possibly rule if no one who wants to do it can be allowed to?
54. A grey landscape. A small hut huddles next to a washed-out path near the edge of a sea. It is bucketing down rain, churning and slopping the land into a mudbath. The rain pounds on the corrugated iron roof of the hut. Inside the hut is a shambling figure of a muppet (or a human*), hunched over an old and weatherbeaten cat, waving a fish at it.
MAN (Played either by Cookie Monster or a Celebrity Special Guest Star*): Pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy want his fish? Nice fish.
The cat seems undecided. It paws at the fish suspiciously, then loses attention.
MAN: Pussy not eat his fish, pussy get thin and waste away, I think. I imagine this is what will happen, but how can I tell? Pussy think,eat fish or not eat fish. I think it is better if I don't get involved.
The man leaves the fish on the floor for the cat, and retires to his seat.
MAN: Fish come from far away, or so I'm told. Or so I imagine I'm told. When the men come, or when in my mind the men come in their six black shiny ships, do they come in your mind too? What do you see, pussy? And when I hear their questions, do you hear questions? What do their voices mean to you? Perhaps you just think they're singing songs to you.
The man pauses and thinks about this for a while.
MAN: Perhaps they are singing songs to you, and I just think they're asking me questions. Do you think they came today? I do. There's mud on the floor, cookies on the table, fish on a plate for you and a memory of them in my mind. Hardly conclusive evidence, I know, but then all evidence is circumstantial. I think I must be right in thinking they ask me questions. To come all that way and leave all these things just for the privilege of singing songs to you would be very strange behavior. Or so it seems to me. Who can tell, who can tell.
The man picks up a glass that was lying on the floor and looks at it.
MAN: I think I saw another ship in the sky today. A big white one. I've never seen a big white one, just the six black ones. And the six green ones. And the others who say they come from so far away. Never a big white one. Perhaps six small black ones can look like one big white one at certain times.
The man sets the glass down on the table.
MAN: Perhaps some other people are coming to see me.
After a short while there is the sound of a starship landing outside, nearby. There is a knocking at the door. The man looks at the door but does not move to open it. After a pause, the knocking returns. The man thinks for a while. The knocking returns again. The man gets up and opens the door.
Zaphod, Zarniwoop, Trillian, Ford and Arthur stand huddled in the doorway, soaking wet.
MAN: Hello?
ZARNIWOOP: Ah, excuse me, I have reason to believe --
ZAPHOD: Do you rule the universe?
MAN (Smiling): I try not to. Are you wet?
They look at him in astonishment.
FORD: Wet? Doesn't it look like we're wet?
MAN: That's how it looks to me, but how you feel about it might be an altogether different matter.If you find warmth makes you dry, you'd better come in.
They go in.
Everyone looks around the tiny one-room shack with distaste, interest, or delight, each as suits their natures.
ZAPHOD: Hey, er ... what's your name?
The man looks at them doubtfully.
MAN: I don't know. Why, do you think I should have one? It seems very odd to give a bundle of vague sensory perceptions a name.
ARTHUR (Looking at the Man's run-down chair): Is this really the seat of power?
ZARNIWOOP: Listen, I must ask you some questions.
MAN: All right. You can sing to my cat if you like.
TRILLIAN: Would he like that?
MAN: You'd better ask him.
TRILLIAN: Does he talk?
MAN: I have no memory of him talking, but I am very unreliable.
Zarniwoop pulls some notes out of a pocket.
ZARNIWOOP: Now, you do rule the universe, do you?
MAN: How can I tell?
Zarniwoop ticks off a note on the paper.
ZARNIWOOP: How long have you been doing this?
MAN: Ah, this is a question about the past, is it?
Everyone looks at the man in puzzlement. This isn't exactly what they were expecting.
ZARNIWOOP: Yes.
MAN: How can I tell that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?
Zarniwoop stares open-mouthed at him for a moment, then says:
ZARNIWOOP: So you answer all questions like this?
MAN (Quickly): I say what it occurs to me to say when I think I hear people say things. More I cannot say.
ARTHUR: What?
Zaphod laughs happily.
FORD: Wait a minute. People come to you, do they? In ships ...
MAN: I think so.
TRILLIAN: And they ask you to make decisions for them? About people's lives, about worlds, about economies, about wars, about everything going on out there in the Universe?
MAN: Out there? Out where?
ZARNIWOOP (Pointing at the door): Out there!
MAN (Politely): How can you tell there's anything out there? The door's closed.
ZARNIWOOP: But you know there's a whole universe out there! You can't dodge your responsibilities by saying they don't exist!
MAN: You're very sure of your facts. I couldn't trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe -- if there is one -- for granted.
Zarniwoop quivers. Zaphod whoops.
MAN: I only decide about my Universe. My universe is my eyes and my ears. Anything else is hearsay.
ARTHUR: But don't you believe in anything?
The man shrugs and picks up his cat.
MAN: I don't understand what you mean.
ZARNIWOOP: You don't understand that what you decide in this shack of yours affects the lives and fates of billions of people? This is all monstrously wrong!
MAN: I don't know. I've never met all these people you speak of. And neither, I suspect, have you. They only exist in words we hear. It is folly to say you know what is happening to other people. Only they know, if they exist. They have their own universes of their eyes and ears.
Trillian, smiling, drags a gape-mouthed Arthur towards the door.
TRILLIAN: I think we're just popping outside for a moment.
Trillian and Arthur leave through the door.
ZARNIWOOP: Do you believe other people exist?
MAN: I have no opinion. How can I say?
Zaphod grabs Ford by the arm and steers him, protesting, towards the door.
ZAPHOD: We'd better see what's up with Trillian and Arthur.
Zaphod and Ford also leave.
ZARNIWOOP: But don't you understand that people live or die on your word?
The man waits until he hears the starship's engines starting, and then he speaks to cover it.
MAN: It's nothing to do with me. I am not involved with people. I am not a cruel man. Please, I think I am tired.
Zarniwoop heaves a thoroughly dissatisfied sigh and looks about.
ZARNIWOOP: Where did the others go?
The man settles in his chair and begins to stroke his cat.
MAN: What others? I remember no one. The past is a fiction to account for ...
ZARNIWOOP: Stuff it!
Zarniwoop runs out into the rain. There is no ship. He hollers into the rain. He turns and runs back to the shack but finds it locked. He pounds on the door but there is no answer. The rain continues to churn the mud.
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