MOgreland

Here is Part One of the movie-style script of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, starring the Muppets! Enjoy!

HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

Screenplay by Douglas Adams

Based on the book "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" by Douglas Adams

And partly based on the original BBC radio scripts, and also the motion picture screenplay revised by Karey Kirkpatrick 8/8/03

Butchered by Chris Carroll

1. Rowlf the Dog comes into view carrying a script. He sits at a desk facing a radio microphone, puts on a set of wired headphones, and begins to read, playing the part of the Narrator, who is also the voice of The Book.

NARRATOR: It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet ...

Rowlf takes a long look into the camera before continuing.

NARRATOR: ... Instead of the third most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, dolphins, who curiously enough had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth. They had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so they eventually decided they would leave Earth by their own means.

Rowlf looks up from his script and says to the camera, "Smart move!"

Behind Rowlf, Fozzy the Bear and Beauregard carry cardboard cutouts of dolphins from stage right to stage left. They stop behind Rowlf and Fozzy asks him, "Uh, sorry Rowlf, but do you know where these are supposed to go?"

Off-screen, the voice of Kermit the Frog says, "Fozzie! Not now!"

Fozzy and Beau both jump, and Fozzy says, "Oh, sorry Kermit! But, what do we do with the dolphins?"

KERMIT (yelling): Get out of the shot!!

Fozzy says sorry again, and he and Beau take the cardboard cutouts away, stage left. Rowlf watches them leave, shaking his head while Kermit makes 'sheesh'-ing noises offstage, then he returns to the script.

NARRATOR: The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but in fact the message was this ... "So long and thanks for all the fish."

TITLES ROLL

Muppet and cardboard cutout dolphins perform a partly animated Buzby Berkley-style song and dance routine to the song, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH," performed by Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

END TITLES

As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then ...

VOICE ON RADIO: ... as well as aquariums around the world reporting their dolphins have mysteriously disappeared overnight.

2. INT. ARTHUR DENT'S BEDROOM -- MORNING

CLOSE ON the clock radio from which the voice emanates. A familiar green hand shuts it off. ARTHUR DENT is awake. He looks a lot like Kermit the Frog. In fact, he is being portrayed by Kermit the Frog. He gets out of bed, into his slippers and robe, and goes to the bathroom

3. IN THE BATHROOM -- Arthur gargles in front of the mirror. He bends over to spit, revealing a YELLOW BULLDOZER through the window crawling toward his house. A TEA KETTLE WHISTLES O.S.

4. INT. ARTHUR DENT'S KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS

Arthur sets a newspaper (with the headline "DOLPHINS VANISH") on the table, removes the kettle. Doesn't notice through the window 3 MORE LARGE YELLOW BULLDOZERS.

There is a picture in a frame behind Arthur. It is of himself and a pretty pig (Tricia). There is a LOUD RUMBLING O.S. The picture falls, Arthur turns and picks it up. As he rises, he sees the bulldozers out the window. Arthur throws his arms up into the air and screams.

5. EXT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE -- MORNING

Arthur, still in his pajamas and robe, lies in the mud in front of a bulldozer, blocking it from destroying his house.

MR. PROSSER, a bureaucrat played by Clifford, stands over him.

PROSSER: Come off it, man. You can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever.

ARTHUR: I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.

PROSSER: Look, man, this bypass has got to be built and it's going to be built. You should have made your protest, like, months ago.

ARTHUR: Really? The first I heard of it was when a workman came yesterday. I asked if he'd come to clean the windows, and he said he'd come to demolish the house. He didn't tell me right away of course. First he wiped a couple of windows and charged me ten quid. Then he told me.

Clifford looks confused and asks, "Kermit, what in the world is a quid?"

"Uh, I don't know, Clifford. I think it's money or something. What's your next line?"

Recovering, Clifford continues:

PROSSER: Oh, well, the plans, you know, were like, on display at the planning office, man. That's where they keep plans, isn't it?

ARTHUR: On display? I had to go down to the cellar!

PROSSER: That's the display department.

ARTHUR: With a flashlight.

PROSSER: Oh, well, the lights had probably gone.

ARTHUR: So had the stairs!

PROSSER: Well, you found the plans, didn't you?

ARTHUR: They were in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a broken rest room with a sign on the door saying 'beware of the leopard'!

PROSSER: A leopard? Was there a leopard?

ARTHUR: Yes! He was the janitor.

PROSSER (Nonplussed): Oh, that's Arnold. He's harmless.

ARTHUR (Waving his arms in the air and yelling): He tried to eat me!

PROSSER: Yeah, well, they don't let Arnold out much. That's why they put up signs, y'know? (Becoming a little frustrated.) Look, Mr. Dent, man, do you have any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll right over you?

ARTHUR (Shocked): What? No, how much?

PROSSER (Looking pleased with himself): None at all.

Arthur responds with cry and a horrified expression, turns to the camera and says, "Sheesh, this is turning into a PG-13 movie, isn't it?" O.S. another voice says:

FORD: Hello, Arthur!

Arthur and Prosser turn towards Fozzy Bear, playing Ford Prefect.

ARTHUR: Thank goodness! Get me out of this scene, quick, before I get turned into Frog Tartare!

FORD: Right! Say, Arthur, can we talk? We need to talk. And eat. We need to talk and eat. I need a root beer. Have a root beer with me.

ARTHUR: What?! Wait, now's not the best time, Ford. They're going to demolish my house.

FORD: Whoa. You already know? (Looks into the sky with alarm.) How?

ARTHUR: Bulldozers, Ford

FORD (Looking confused): What?

ARTHUR and PROSSER (Motioning towards bulldozers): Bulldozers!

FORD (Noticing the bulldozers): Oh, right! Well, never mind all that, I've got to tell you something important. And you need a drink and something to eat, so ...

ARTHUR: Never mind? What about my house?

Prosser looks back and forth from Arthur to Ford, confused with why he is surrounded by crazy people.

PROSSER (To Ford): C'mon, man, don't mess this scene up. It's, like, the only one I have!

FORD (To Arthur): He wants to knock your house down?

ARTHUR: Yes.

FORD: (To Prosser): And you can't because he's lying in front of your bulldozer?

PROSSER: Yes.

FORD: No problem! (To Prosser) Look, can we maybe assume that Arthur here is going to be lying in front of your bulldozers all day?

PROSSER: Do we have to?

FORD: Yes! And all your men are going to be standing around all day doing nothing, right?

PROSSER: I don't like where this is going ...

FORD (very convincingly): Riiight?

PROSSER (unhappily): Right ...

FORD: Well, if you're resigned to doing that anyway, you don't  exactly need him to lie here all the time do you?

PROSSER: What?

FORD: You don't actually need him here.

PROSSER: Well, no, not as such ... not exactly need ...

FORD: So if you would just like to take it as read that he's actually here, then he and I can slip off down to the pub for half an hour, right?

PROSSER: What??

FORD: And if you want to pop off for a quick one yourself later on, we can always cover for you in return.

PROSSER (no longer able to keep up): Oh! Thanks! Thank you very much, that's very kind, I think ...

FORD: So, if you would just like to come over here and lie down ...

PROSSER (completely lost now): What???

FORD: It's very simple. My client, Mr. Dent here, says that he will stop lying in the mud on the sole condition that you come over and take over from him.

ARTHUR: What are you talking about?

Ford shushes Arthur while Prosser tries but fails to make sense of things.

PROSSER: You want me to come and lie there ...

FORD: Yes.

PROSSER: In front of the bulldozer ...

FORD: Yes.

PROSSER: Instead of Mr. Dent ...

FORD: Yes.

PROSSER: In the mud.

FORD: In, as you say, the mud.

Prosser looks back and forth between Ford and Arthur, but finds no comfort with either of them.

PROSSER: Aw, man, this is a brand new suit!

FORD (to Arthur): Come on, get up and let the man lie down.

Arthur stands. Both he and Prosser look dazed as they trade places.

FORD (to Arthur): Come on, we'll go down to the pub and buy some root beers.

ARTHUR: But can we trust him not to knock my house down?

FORD: Oh, sure! I'd trust him to the end of the Earth!

ARTHUR (Sarcastically): Oh? And how far's that?

FORD (Looking at his watch): About twelve minutes away. Come on, let's have some root beers.