28. INT. HEART OF GOLD BRIDGE
As the characters mill around talking, the camera pans back, expanding to show the whole of the bridge, then the corridors of the ship, then the exterior of the ship as it travels at inconceivable speeds through the Horsehead Nebula, while the voice of the Narrator begins to describe the ancient Galactic Empire and the legend of the planet Magrathea, ending with:
NARRATOR: In these enlightened days, of course, no one believes a word of it.
As the starship approaches a dry and desolate-looking world, we rejoin the passengers and crew on the bridge.
27 Cont. INT. BRIDGE , HEART OF GOLD
FORD: I’m sorry, I just don’t believe a word of it.
ZAPHOD: Listen to me Ford, I’ve found it. I swear I’ve found it.
FORD: Magrathea is a myth! A fairy story! It’s what parents tell their kids at night if they want them to grow up to be economists. And -
ZAPHOD: … and we are currently in orbit around it.
FORD: Zaphod, I can’t help what you may personally be in orbit around, but this ship --
ZAPHOD: Computer.
COMPUTER comes on-line with his usual ticking.
FORD: Oh no.
COMPUTER: Hi, guys! This is getting real sociable, isn't it? I’m feeling just great guys, and I know I’m just gonna get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run through me.
ZAPHOD: Computer, just tell us again what our current trajectory is.
COMPUTER: A real pleasure fella. We are currently in orbit, at an altitude of three hundred miles, around the legendary planet of Magrathea. Goll-ee.
FORD: Proving nothing. I wouldn’t trust that computer to speak my weight.
COMPUTER: I could do that for you sure.
FORD: No thank you.
COMPUTER: I could even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places if it’ll help.
Arthur looks inquiringly at Trillian. She waves him over to the computer consoles, where Zaphod and Ford are standing, but motions him to keep quiet.
TRILLIAN: Zaphod, any minute now we will be swinging round to the daylight side of the planet, whatever it turns out to be.
ZAPHOD: Right! Let's give our eyes a good time, then. Computer!
COMPUTER: Hi, there! What can I ...
ZAPHOD: Just shut up and give us a view of the planet, yeah?
The wall viewscreens come on and show the dark featureless mass of the planet rolling away beneath them. Too excited to wait quietly, Zaphod begins to speak in a hushed tone:
ZAPHOD: We are now traversing the night side. The surface of the planet is three hundred miles beneath us ...
FORD (Interrupting): Well, even supposing it is Magrathea --
ZAPHOD (Annoyed): It is!
FORD: …which it isn’t, what do you want with it anyway? I mean I take it you're not here for the sheer industrial archaeology of it all. What is it you’re after?
ZAPHOD: Well, it’s partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly I think it’s the fame and the money. (Returning to his narration spotted with heavy breathing): In a few seconds, we should see ... there!
A spectacular, binary sunrise graces the screen, illuminating the planet's crescent in driving colored shafts of mind-boggling light.
ZAPHOD: The fires of dawn! The twin suns of Soulianis and Rahm ...
FORD: Or whatever
ZAPHOD: Soulianis and Rahm!
Arthur edges up to Trillian and asks what is going on.
TRILLIAN: I only know what Zaphod's told me. Apparently Magrathea is some kind of legend from way back which no one seriously believes in. Bit like Atlantis on Earth, except that the legends say the Magratheans used to manufacture planets.
Arthur ponders this for a minute, then comes to a conclusion:
ARTHUR: Is there any tea on this spaceship?
FORD (Annoyed with Arthur): Just tell the computer to make your tea, frog! Can't you see that this guy doesn't have the faintest idea why we're here!
Arthur leaves the console area and talks to the Computer at the drink dispenser niche.
TRILLIAN: You know, I don't like the look of that planet at all.
ZAPHOD: Oh, come on! With half the wealth of the former Galactic Empire stored on it somewhere it can afford to look frumpy.
FORD: I think it's just a dead planet.
ARTHUR (Taking a cup from the drink dispenser, sipping it, and grimacing): The suspense is killing me.
28. NARRATOR: Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems in all parts of the galaxy and it is in order that this situation should not be in any way exacerbated that the following facts will now be revealed in advance: The planet in question, is, in fact, Magrathea. The deadly nuclear missile attack shortly to be launched by an ancient automatic defence system will merely result in the bruising of somebody’s upper arm, and the untimely creation and sudden demise of a bowl of petunias and an innocent sperm whale. In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved no revelation will yet be made concerning whose upper arm has been bruised. This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense since it is of no significance whatsoever. Arthur’s next question about the planet is very complex and difficult, and Zaphod’s answer is wrong in every important respect.
27 Cont. INT. BRIDGE , HEART OF GOLD
ARTHUR: Is it safe?
ZAPHOD: Magrathea’s been dead for five-million years, of course it’s safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and raised families by now.
A strange sound - as of a distant fanfare, hollow, reedy, and insubstantial - plays across the bridge, followed by an equally hollow, reedy, insubstantial voice:
RECORDED MESSAGE (Voiced by Dr. Julius Strangepork): Greetings to you ...
ZAPHOD: What?
TRILLIAN: Who’s that voice?
ZAPHOD: Computer?
COMPUTER: Hi there!
ZAPHOD: What is it?
COMPUTER: Oh just some five-million-year-old tape-recording that’s been broadcast at us
RECORDED MESSAGE: This is a recorded announcement as I’m afraid we’re all out at the moment. The commercial council of Magrathea …
ZAPHOD: A voice from the ancient Magratheas!
RECORDED MESSAGE: …thanks you for your esteemed...
FORD: Okay, okay.
RECORDED MESSAGE: …visit, but regrets that the entire planet is closed for business. Thank you. If you would like to leave your name, and a planet where you can be contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone. (Beep.)
TRILLIAN: They want to get rid of us. What do we do?
ZAPHOD: It’s just a recording. We keep going, got that computer?
COMPUTER: I got it!
RECORDED MESSAGE: We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is resumed, announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines and colour supplements when our clients will once again be able to select from all that’s best in contemporary geography. Meanwhile we thank our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. Now.
ARTHUR: Well I suppose we better be going haven’t we.
ZAPHOD: Shh! There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about.
ARTHUR: Then why is everyone so tense?
ZAPHOD: They’re just interested! We keep going.
RECORDED MESSAGE: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated. And so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients… And the fully armed nuclear warheads are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives. Thank you.
Trillian, Ford and Arthur look panicked.
ZAPHOD: Look, will you get it into your heads? That's just a recorded message. It's millions of years old. It doesn't apply to us, get it?
Ford pulls another screen up onto the wall viewer, one showing two missiles climbing through the atmosphere toward the ship. A quick change of magnification brings them into close focus. They look ominous and deadly.
FORD: I think they're going to have a very good try at applying it to us.
ZAPHOD (Staring in astonishment): Hey, this is terrific! Someone down there is trying to kill us!
ARTHUR: Terrific.
ZAPHOD: But don't you see what this means?
ARTHUR: Yes. We're going to die.
ZAPHOD: But apart from that.
TRILLIAN: Apart from that?
ZAPHOD: It means we must be on to something!
FORD: How soon can we get off of it?
TRILLIAN: So, what are we going to do?
ZAPHOD: Just keep cool. (Suddenly panicked): Also, we're going to ... er ... take evasion action! Computer, what evasive action can we take?
COMPUTER: Er, none, I'm afraid, guys. Something seems to be jamming my guidance systems. Impact minus forty-five seconds. Please call me Eddie if it helps you to relax.
ZAPHOD: Right. Um look we’ve got to get manual control of this ship.
TRILLIAN: Can you fly her?
ZAPHOD: No. Can you?
TRILLIAN: No.
ZAPHOD: Ford?
FORD: No.
ZAPHOD: Fine we’ll do it together.
ARTHUR: I can’t either.
ZAPHOD: I guessed that. Computer I want full manual control now.
EDDIE: You got it. Good luck guys. Impact minus thirty seconds.
ZAPHOD: Okay Ford, full retro-thrust and ten degrees starboard.
TRILLIAN: We’re veering too fast!
FORD: I can’t hold her, she’s going into a spin!
ZAPHOD: Dive! Dive!
29. NARRATOR: It is, of course, more or less at this point that one of our heroes sustains a slight bruise to the upper arm. This should be emphasised because, as has already been revealed, they escape otherwise completely unharmed, and the deadly nuclear missiles do not eventually hit the ship. Our heroes’ safety is absolutely assured.
27 Cont. INT. BRIDGE , HEART OF GOLD
EDDIE: Impact minus fifteen seconds guys! (Singing): When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high ...
ZAPHOD: Would someone please shut that Computer up!
The ship danced wildly, and the missiles weaved and bobbed and followed it, getting closer and closer.
EDDIE (Singing): And don't be afraid of the dark!
ARTHUR (Watching the missiles): This is it, we are now quite definitely going to die, aren't we?
FORD (Shouting): I wish you'd stop saying that!
ARTHUR: Well, we are, aren't we?
FORD: Yes.
EDDIE (Singing): At the end of the storm is a golden sky, and the sweet silver song of the lark ...
ARTHUR (Surprised by a thought): Say, why doesn't anyone turn on this Improbability Drive thing?
ZAPHOD: What, are you crazy? Without proper programming anything could happen.
ARTHUR: Does that matter at this stage?
EDDIE (Normal voice): Impact minus one second. It's been great knowing you guys. (Continues singing.)
TRILLIAN: So, does anyone know why Arthur can't turn on the ...
There is a mind-mangling explosion of noise and light. The next thing that happens is that the passengers and crew of the Heart of Gold find themselves lounging in deck chairs, wearing vacation clothing, hats, and sunglasses, and holding tall iced drinks. The bridge of the starship is littered with sand underfoot, beach blankets, sun umbrellas, and there are muppets playing ball in the background.
ZAPHOD: What the heck happened?
ARTHUR: Well, I was just saying that there's this Improbability Drive switch here, and why can't we just use it?
FORD: But where are we?
TRILLIAN: Exactly where we were, I think.
ZAPHOD (Leaping out of his chair): Then what's happened to the missiles?
FORD (Looking at the console and shaking his head): They would appear to have turned into a bowl of petunias and a very surprised-looking whale.
EDDIE: At an Improbability factor of eight million, seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand, one hundred and twenty-eight to one against.
ZAPHOD (Staring at Arthur): Did you think of that, Earthman? That's very good thinking, you know. You just saved our lives, you know that?
ARTHUR: Oh, well, it was nothing, really ...
ZAPHOD: Was it? Oh well, forget it then. Okay, Computer, take us in to land.
ARTHUR: But ...
ZAPHOD: I said forget it.
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