MOgreland

Here is Part Two of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie script, starring the Muppets! Please scroll down to find the earlier Parts.

6. INT. VILLAGE PUB -- MIDDAY

Ford and Arthur enter. Ford approaches the bar, behind which we see the barman, played by Pops.

FORD: Six root beers. And quickly. The world's about to end.

BARMAN: Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

The Barman puts a mug each in front of Ford and Arthur, and starts to open root beers.

ARTHUR: What just happened, Ford?

FORD: Oh, nothing, it's just that the world's about to end.

Ford throws a handful of bills on the table for the Barman

FORD: Keep the change.

BARMAN (Pleasantly suprised): Thanks!

FORD: You've got ten minutes left to spend it.

The Barman leaves, looking confused.

FORD: Drink up, you've got three root beers to get through.

ARTHUR: At lunchtime?

FORD: Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.

ARTHUR: Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.

FORD: Drink up. If you get enough fizzies up your nose you won't feel what happens next. (Grabbing bags of peanuts.) And eat these peanuts. You'll need the salt and protein.

Arthur stares into his root beer.

ARTHUR: Did I do anything wrong today, or has the whole world always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to notice?

FORD: All right, I'll try to explain. How long have we known each other?

ARTHUR: About five years, maybe six. Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time.

FORD: Right. So, how would you react if I said that I'm not from Jersey after all but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?

Arthur shrugs in a so-so sort of way and takes a pull from his root beer.

ARTHUR: I don't know. Why, do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?

FORD: Do you remember when we met?

7. QUICK CUT TO A STREET -- MIDDAY

Ford is standing in the middle of the road, trying to greet an oncoming car that looks as if it might run him down.

Arthur, passing by, drops everything to rush out into the street, tackle Ford, and save him from being clobbered by the car.

6 Cont. BACK TO FORD AND ARTHUR IN THE PUB

FORD: Didn't you find it a little strange that I was trying to shake hands with a car?

ARTHUR: I assumed you'd had too many root beers.

FORD (Shaking his head): I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was trying to introduce myself.

ARTHUR: Is that why you're named after an old British car?

FORD (Nodding): Yes. You saved my life that day. Now I'm saving yours.

Arthur stares at him, then turns back to his drink.

ARTHUR: This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

FORD: Look, if it's about your house ...

ARTHUR: No, it's not that. Look ...

Arthur takes out his cellphone and shows Ford the picture of the girl that was in the frame in his house.

ARTHUR: I found her. The perfect girl. I found her at a fancy dress party, but I let her get away.

FORD: This isn't a long story, is it? We've only got six minutes.

Arthur shakes his head. Ford checks his watch.

ARTHUR: I met her at a party in Islington. I told you about it, remember?

8. INT. ISLINGTON FLAT -- NIGHT

Crowded flat. Costume party. Loud music BLARING.

ARTHUR: I can't bear those sort of parties. Don't know why I was there. But there I was -- and then, there she was ...

Arthur, dressed in safari attire, is alone and looking miserable, when a voice from O.S. says

TRICIA: Oh, and who are vou? (Giggles)

Arthur looks up and is dazzled by TRICIA MCMILLAN, played by Miss Piggy, dressed in a mid-19th century men's suit, complete with large mutton chop sideburns, and holding a beagle.

ARTHUR: I'm Arthur. Arthur Dent.

TRICIA: No, I mean who are you.

ARTHUR: Oh, the costume. Right. Er, um ... (sheepishly tipping his hat) Livingston, I presume. (Pointing to her attire.) Granted. Not as clever as Darwin, but the best I could do on short notice.

TRICIA: You're the first person who's got it right. Everyone keeps calling me Sherlock.

ARTHUR: Really? I thought the beagle made it rather obvious.

Arthur tries to pet the dog, but it snaps at him. Tricia laughs and says:

TRICIA: Let's go somewhere.

ARTHUR: Yeah. It is a bit noisy. There's a lovely little cafe around the corner ...

TRICIA: Let's go to Madagascar.

ARTHUR: What?

TRICIA: Madagascar! Africa! Adventure! Let's go have some fun!

6 Cont. BACK TO FORD AND ARTHUR IN THE PUB

FORD: Madagascar. Really?

ARTHUR: Yeah, well, I never found out, did I? The next thing that I know, some weird guy comes from out of nowhere and says, 'Hey, doll, is this guy boring you? Why don't you come with me, I'm from another planet. Do you want to see my spaceship?'

FORD: Yeah, well, that does happen.

ARTHUR: I got one picture of her and then I never saw her again. It's like she vanished off the face of the Earth.

FORD: Speaking of which ... (Pulls a blinking device from his satchel.) We've got two minutes. Drink up!

There's a ROAR OF ENGINES and a LOUD CRASH outside. Everyone looks outside.

ARTHUR: What's that?!

FORD PREFECT: Don’t worry they haven’t started yet.

ARTHUR DENT: Oh good!

FORD PREFECT: It’s probably just your house being knocked down.

ARTHUR DENT: What?!

FORD PREFECT: Let ‘em have their fun.

ARTHUR DENT: Darn you and your fairy stories, they’re smashing up my home!

Arthur runs out. Looking after him, Ford tosses the Barman a lot of money and grabs two handfuls of peanuts.

FORD: A round for everyone, on me.

BARMAN: You really think the world's going to end? (Ford nods.) Shouldn't we lie down or put a bag over our heads or something? That's what they told us to do in the Army.

FORD: If you want.

BARMAN: Will it help?

FORD: Not really. (Waving to the bar, Ford says goodbye and leaves.)

After a pause, the Barman clears his throat

BARMAN: Oh, well. Last orders, please.